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I'd really appreciate advice. I've been with my bf for three years, we just celebrated our third anniversary a few days ago. I was hoping for a proposal, but it didn't come. We were oj a romantic holiday so it would have been perfect, but well. It was an amazing trip anyway and I didn't show my disappointment at all. We have been talking about marriage a few times in the relationship. I wad never the kind of person who brought the topic up a lot, but this past February we had a few fights about it because he didn't even want to give me a timeline and just kept saying that he doesn't want to get married yet. Finally he told me that we will get married at some point and that we can get engaged in 'a couple of months'. Ever since I've not mentioned marriage or wedding stuff, not even once, for the past almost six months. I didn't want him to feel pressured, and I don't really believe in ultimatums. I guess I was just hoping he would bring up the topic himself at some point, but nothing, not even one word.
Important- He is 31, I'm 28, so it's not like we're two college kids too young to get married. He has been working in his job for the past 7 years, and got a major position in his company last October. I've also been working for a couple of years, both of us are financially independent. We've also been living together for the past two years and everything is great. He shows me his love a lot, and he loves being with me. But I really start wondering where this is going. He knows marriage is important to me, and he knows I don't wanna be the eternal girlfriend. I told him six months ago it would be nice to get married in summer 2016 (at that point we'll hit the 4 year mark) but he didn't really say anything to it. He also knows I don't expect a fancy ring or an expensive wedding, I was never that type of girls. So I really start wondering what the problem is.
In my mind I've set myself some own kind of deadline, which is November this year, which would be almost 3.5 years of relationship. I'm not sure though if I'll really be sble to walk away then. I'd never tell him the deadline because the lst thing I want is a forced proposal. I just don't see myself waiting years and years for him to be ready, even though I'm absolutely crazy about him. He's over 30 and we've been together for three years, shouldnt that be enough to know if he wants to marry me?
Plus, we live in his country together, i moved here for him two years ago. Maybe I shouldnt have moved without a proposal, but it's too late for that now. I have to renew my visa here once a year, and it's an expensive and time consuming process. If we got married, this wouldn't be a problrm anymore. I just feel like after all this time and after me living here for him I should have a clear future with or without him ahead.
What would you do in my shoes? Should I walk away by the end of my deadline? Am I expecting too much and give him more time?
Thanks.
Why is a piece of paper so important to you? If everything else is great, just relax. My husband made me wait five years before he married me. We've been together 13 years now and still going strong.
I'm not sure how you can put a "deadline" on getting engaged; if it's going to happen at all, it should happen organically, not because of arbitrary deadline.
She's talking about a deadline to give up on her relationship and go back to her home country. In her situation, I think that's practical.
I agree with not setting specific deadlines. Those are true ultimatums.
It's absolutely not the same thing as an ultimatum. Because it's something only she knows. She's not telling him "You need to propose to me by November or I'm letting my Visa lapse and going home". This is her own, personal, private deadline. How is it an ultimatum if the other party doesn't know about it?
BTW, for any single women reading this, I would sincerely recommend NOT moving in together if you want to marry the man at some point. Living together kills the romance--I don't know why, but it does.
So silly. If living together kills the romance, then it's not the right relationship, and you're better off finding that out sooner than later. In a good relationship, living together will not kill the romance. And even if it did, by that logic, wouldn't it happen anyway after marriage, once you do set up house together? So either the romance is biting the dust before or after the ceremony. What a depressing thought. I don't agree with this at all.
So silly. If living together kills the romance, then it's not the right relationship, and you're better off finding that out sooner than later. In a good relationship, living together will not kill the romance. And even if it did, by that logic, wouldn't it happen anyway after marriage, once you do set up house together? So either the romance is biting the dust before or after the ceremony. What a depressing thought. I don't agree with this at all.
Me neither. This may have been her experience, but that doesn't extrapolate to the universe.
What would you do in my shoes? Should I walk away by the end of my deadline? Am I expecting too much and give him more time?
Thanks.
I think you are right on track. Your timeline seems reasonable, if you talk to him about this within the next couple of weeks. Basically, you want to get married, but you do not want to continue with him if he does not feel the same way. While you are certainly no old maid, 28 is a time when you need to be thinking about these things. By the time you get to be 34 or so, your scenario will be quite different, and there is no going back.
Talk to him patiently, seriously, straight-forwardly, and with no waffling around. Do it soon and make sure he knows that you are at a crossroads and that it is decision time.
However, if he agrees to marry you, try to make sure in your own mind that he really wants to do this with you and that he is not just going along reluctantly. That would not be a desirable scenario for you for very long.
Either he will be concerned about losing you and get a proposal or you will be heading home.
This is easy. Tell him that and do it soon.
I agree with this advice. Don't tell him he needs to marry you "or else" or anything like that. Just tell him you've had fun dating him, but you are going to just the above, tell him you decided not to renew your visa. He can then make his choice and you can move on if marriage isn't in the cards between you and him.
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