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We all make mistakes and circumstances push us to do things we don't want to so just dont risk losing your husband by hurting him with the truth. Because he may not forgive you and if he does he may not trust you again
The OP doesn't sound like she feels she made a mistake at all. She admits doing it freely while knowing it was wrong because she is unhappy in her marriage. This isn't getting drunk on girls night out and slipping up with some guy at the bar.
She is already unhappy enough in her marriage she is wilfully going out and seeking other men. Why she did not divorce him first is the real mystery. Hiding the fact she has already checked out on her marriage just perpetuates a situation that is already over.
Yes, telling him will risk losing his trust. Justifiably so I would think... and even more justifiably so if she tries to bury this.
I cannot believe how many people are advocating keeping it a secret. Doesn't the husband deserve to know, so he can make the correct decision for his future? Will it be better, if he finds out 30 years down the line and realizes that his entire life was a lie, because the person who was supposed to have his back, decided to keep a secret of her selfish and disloyal behavior. Truth and honesty is ALWAYS the best choice. In a situation like this, you must tell your SO, its not even debatable. I get this odd feeling that most posters here dont really understand these situations. Do you think that by keeping infidelity secret, this no longer impacts your relationship, even if he was to never find out (which is extremely rare). It dramatically changes your relationship dynamics, mutual respect, how you treat each other and mostly in very negative ways. YOu would have to be blind or stupid not to understand this.
+1. If you've already committed a major breech in trust, the very least you own him is choice to either forgive you or not; cheating is bad enough, but the cover-up compounds it. Try to rationalize it all you want, but at the end of the day you're only covering it up to avoid the consequences of ****ing someone behind your spouse's back.
I agree with this and others who have posted along these lines. so many City-Data posters seem especially puritanical, judgmental (and hypocritical) on matters such as this, when we are all human and make mistakes. Sometimes it takes making a mistake to see things clearly.
If you, the OP, realized this was a huge mistake, I don't feel you should confess unless there is a probability he would find out somehow. Then you would have to tell him because the worry over it coming out would eat you alive. If you are sure he won't find out and you do NOT intend to do it again, and want to save your marriage, do as others have suggested and try to work it out with him. If this can't be done and you feel the marriage is over, do the right thing and separate first before "cheating" again.
Good luck to you.
Lol we all make mistakes-
Such as banging someone behind your husband's back, & expecting there to be no consequences......
Only the potential cheaters on this forum will suggest keeping this info to yourself-
Lol for obvious reasons...
They're also probably fooling around as well.......
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ascension2012
I cannot believe how many people are advocating keeping it a secret. Doesn't the husband deserve to know, so he can make the correct decision for his future? Will it be better, if he finds out 30 years down the line and realizes that his entire life was a lie, because the person who was supposed to have his back, decided to keep a secret of her selfish and disloyal behavior. Truth and honesty is ALWAYS the best choice. In a situation like this, you must tell your SO, its not even debatable. I get this odd feeling that most posters here dont really understand these situations. Do you think that by keeping infidelity secret, this no longer impacts your relationship, even if he was to never find out (which is extremely rare). It dramatically changes your relationship dynamics, mutual respect, how you treat each other and mostly in very negative ways. YOu would have to be blind or stupid not to understand this.
Doesn't surprise me in the least....
It's the nature of the beast on this forum
I cannot believe how many people are advocating keeping it a secret. Doesn't the husband deserve to know, so he can make the correct decision for his future? Will it be better, if he finds out 30 years down the line and realizes that his entire life was a lie, because the person who was supposed to have his back, decided to keep a secret of her selfish and disloyal behavior. Truth and honesty is ALWAYS the best choice. In a situation like this, you must tell your SO, its not even debatable. I get this odd feeling that most posters here dont really understand these situations. Do you think that by keeping infidelity secret, this no longer impacts your relationship, even if he was to never find out (which is extremely rare). It dramatically changes your relationship dynamics, mutual respect, how you treat each other and mostly in very negative ways. YOu would have to be blind or stupid not to understand this.
Some people here are making a huge assumption on how the husband would react. Nobody knows for sure how this man would handle this. Maybe he has an idea already and just waiting for the wife to fess up? Who knows for absolute certainty? but it's not ok to lie which is being advocated here.
Some of you former cheaters on here that got caught "don't tell him" or "tell him only if he will find out"
The "i am the only one who gets hurt by not admitting my mistakes to others" of thinking isn't going to build a better relationship, It's going to ruin any chance of their ever being one.
you're taking the actions of a person who doesn't want the relationship to grow organically or take it for what it is. You want to control and mold your prefect ideal and throw away everything else you do not like to focus only on those components YOU want to have.
Avoidence isn't how people ACTIVELY grow together.
Last edited by rego00123; 07-31-2015 at 01:08 PM..
My husband told me (before we even got married) that if I ever cheated on him once or something (something I know I will not do again), do not tell him.
For me though, if my husband cheated on me, even just once and knowing he'll never do it again, I'd still want to know so I can leave him. I would never want to touch him again after he's been intimate with another woman.
Maybe you can start off with a story and be like..."so and so did this and that. do you think she should tell her husband? would YOU want to know if I cheated on you?" That way, you'll know if he'll want to know or you just carry that burden of guilt. Just the fact that you're posting it here shows that you are open to the idea of not telling him, so, if you think you don't have to, then don't.
Location: Somewhere in a Field of Hopes and Dreams
596 posts, read 627,598 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gypsychic
I agree with this and others who have posted along these lines. so many City-Data posters seem especially puritanical, judgmental (and hypocritical) on matters such as this, when we are all human and make mistakes. Sometimes it takes making a mistake to see things clearly.
If you, the OP, realized this was a huge mistake, I don't feel you should confess unless there is a probability he would find out somehow. Then you would have to tell him because the worry over it coming out would eat you alive. If you are sure he won't find out and you do NOT intend to do it again, and want to save your marriage, do as others have suggested and try to work it out with him. If this can't be done and you feel the marriage is over, do the right thing and separate first before "cheating" again.
Good luck to you.
It's always amusing when those of a certain lot try to portray those with good sensibilities as judgmental. This isnt about judgment, it's about compassion and realizing just how wrong it is to compound an ALREADY BAD situation by lying and covering it up.
Could it be that we feel bad for the person who we SHOULD feel bad for???
Quote:
Originally Posted by luv my dayton
No confessions. Your life will never be the same and will be thrown in your face with any disagreement. You need to talk about why he is neglectful towards meeting your needs as that sounds like an ongoing problem.
So the OP cheated and gets to take no ownership of her mistake, lie about it but it's okay to tell her husband of all the things HE did wrong!??
This must be a joke.
Op if you don't want to tell the truth and lie on top of your cheating fine. But then you have absolutely NO RIGHT to go complaining to your husband about all the things he's doing wrong. He didn't cheat. You did.
If you don't want to own it, then don't go complaining about your needs being neglected, when you neglected your vow to HIM.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scooby Snacks
I agree. Don't confess. That is actually a selfish move on your part because it only serves to make you feel better and hurt your husband. Then he won't trust you and either divorce you or not trust you at least for a long time and feel he has to monitor your every move. Instead, tell him why you feel neglected and see if there is way for you to work this out together...
I'd like to know when did honesty become selfish entitlement? Maybe you need to revisit the dictionary.
"Then he won't trust you and divorce you..." oh wait, nevermind, you just highlighted the issue. Her not telling is the SELFISH part afterall, as it only serves to help her save face.
And then there's the audacious nature of withholding her faults but railing on the poor guy for all the things he's done wrong!??
The OP should of had that conversation before she slept with someone else. If she couldn't have that conversation when she WASN'T a cheater, why on earth is she having it now??
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