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I was just going to recommend/suggest you move to Berkeley, California/Bay Area -->to find your enlightened, artsy, stimulating needle in a haystack.
Hey, I know a guy who met an artist at an art fair in Monterey, and married her last year. But I still wonder if the OP actually approaches and chats with women. Most of the info he gave indicates he responds when they look at him or talk to him, but I'm not seeing where he takes the initiative, much. That's what he's got to do, if he doesn't like the type of women who are approaching him.
This completely contradicts your later post, where you say you want someone to travel with, do weekend stuff with, and after-work activities with. If you don't have time to join some kind of weekend activity group, volunteer now and then, etc., then you don't have time for a relationship, either. You need to make up your mind which it is: do you have spare time to be active with others, or don't you?
I have plenty of time. I said fairly predictable. It's 9-6 maybe 85% - 90% of the time, other nights I might get pushed over by an hour or two (or have to do a meeting early, etc.). This is the American norm. I have married co-workers with way more demanding schedules than myself. I very occasionally, maybe once every other month, have to take some work home over the weekend. Travel happens two to three times a year and is usually only part of a week. Nothing that would interfere with a relationship as long as we were on similar schedules (hence the trepidation about dating service industry women). The comment was with regard to scheduled things like classes where you have to be there consistently and on time. That's all.
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The thing about meeting women is that you have to actually approach them and talk to them. Are you outgoing, OP? Do you chat with people while waiting in line at the cashier's, or while grocery shopping, or perusing art, or at intermission at a concert?
I'll admit I'm not a big "pick up" type of guy (but then neither are most guys I've ever met and they date and have relationships). Part of that is a certain percentage of people are just plain nasty to me. Chalk it up to the upper-middle class air of superiority around here, or perhaps my more alternative mantle, but unless people give me a bit of ease about not being "beneath them" for whatever reason, I'm not likely to chat them up. That's just years of conditioning there.
On the other hand, I'm not shy either. I'll talk to people when they give off a friendly vibe. I don't do anything canned, but if there's legitimately something to say, it's not like I'm going to hesitate talking to strangers. It's difficult sometimes too. I think people like yourself might not realize how rarely people are out and about that aren't in groups (men or women), and as the solo guy it ain't an easy game.
There's the converse too: I'm not responsible for chatting up the balance of the 7.3 billion people in the world in order to unite us. Some percentage of the time other people are doing the initiating... and they do on occasion. The situations haven't worked in my favor most of the time I guess. Maybe I have really bad luck. Who knows?
Last edited by Tune_It_Lower; 08-29-2015 at 06:11 PM..
I have plenty of time. I said fairly predictable. It's 9-6 maybe 85% - 90% of the time, other nights I might get pushed over by an hour or two (or have to do a meeting early, etc.). This is the American norm. I have married co-workers with way more demanding schedules than myself. I very occasionally, maybe once every other month, have to take some work home over the weekend. Travel happens two to three times a year and is usually only part of a week. Nothing that would interfere with a relationship as long as we were on similar schedules (hence the trepidation about dating service industry women). The comment was with regard to scheduled things like classes where you have to be there consistently and on time. That's all.
OP, you don't have to be at most classes any more consistently and on time than you're able to be, which is about 90% of the time. You sound like a certain other poster we've had here, who balks as soon as anyone suggests he get involved in community activities or classes. We're not talking graduate school for-credit classes. We're talking hobby-type classes, or university community-access classes. These are excuses you're coming up with.
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Originally Posted by Tune_It_Lower;
I'll admit I'm not a big "pick up" type of guy (but then neither are most guys I've ever met and they date and have relationships). Part of that is a certain percentage of people are just plain nasty to me. Chalk it up to the upper-middle class air of superiority around here, or perhaps my more alternative mantle, but unless people give me a bit of ease about not being "beneath them" for whatever reason, I'm not likely to chat them up. That's just years of conditioning there.
On the other hand, I'm not shy either. I'll talk to people when they give off a friendly vibe. I don't do anything canned, but if there's legitimately something to say, it's not like I'm going to hesitate talking to strangers. It's difficult sometimes too. I think people like yourself might not realize how rarely people are out and about that aren't in groups (men or women), and as the solo guy it ain't an easy game.
There's the converse too: I'm not responsible for chatting up the balance of the 7.3 billion people in the world in order to unite us. Some percentage of the time other people are doing the initiating... and they do on occasion. The situations haven't worked in my favor most of the time I guess. Maybe I have really bad luck. Who knows?
It's not about being a pick-up artist. It's about being neighborly. Don't read too much into it or expect too much, except to enjoy a pleasant exchange with a fellow-shopper, or whatever. Then, on occasion, you might be pleasantly surprised with the results. You might hit it off with someone.
This doesn't have to be complicated. For some people it comes naturally. You could be one of those people, if you wanted.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 08-30-2015 at 03:42 PM..
It's not about being a pick-up artist. It's about being neighborly. Don't read too much into it or expect to much, except to enjoy a pleasant exchange with a fellow-shopper, or whatever. Then, on occasion, you might be pleasantly surprised with the results. You might hit it off with someone.
This doesn't have to be complicated. For some people it comes naturally. You could be one of those people, if you wanted.
Sure sure, that happens reasonably often. Can't say I've met any appropriate women that way.
I tried to go to a singles Meetup last night. No one showed up.
Sure sure, that happens reasonably often. Can't say I've met any appropriate women that way.
I tried to go to a singles Meetup last night. No one showed up.
Maybe not enough people signed up, so it was canceled....? I don't know how those things work--are you supposed to contact the organizer in advance, to say you're coming?
At least you tried. Don't let it get you down. And don't expect instant success, either. This is a process. It could take you months, years, even, to find someone you hit it off with. Patience is imperative.
Maybe not enough people signed up, so it was canceled....? I don't know how those things work--are you supposed to contact the organizer in advance, to say you're coming?
Yeah, I contacted him. He finally got back to me today. He said that after the two RSVPs dropped off, he bailed on it and didn't see that I had RSVP'd myself. No big. He also said that he's found Meetup by-and-large to be "people who are too flaky to maintain their own friends"... and added to that that all the different singles' groups were essentially the same set of people, and Meetups in general were extremely cliquey and disappointing... something I have trouble arguing with after attending a good number of them myself. My mom is single and older (obviously) and she echoed the same experience.
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At least you tried. Don't let it get you down. And don't expect instant success, either. This is a process. It could take you months, years, even, to find someone you hit it off with. Patience is imperative.
Yeah, I'm terrible at being a quitter. Eternal string of expectations, eternal string of letdowns. It's just that I've been doing this on-and-off for about five years now. The Meetups, online dating, going out to happy hours, bars, doing the things I enjoy with the hopes that they'll match me up with like minded women. I'll keep trying though, do new things that seem like somewhat a fit when I can. The next libertarian spanakopita cook-off under the stars or whatever.
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It might be your beard. It attracts younger women in the hipster set. The thirty plus women you seek may be turned off by that. Just a thought,
I did not know there was a global conspiracy for thirty-something women to despise and eradicate beards, and a counter-conspiracy where twenty-something women love and try to bed men with beards. LOL! I tend to see the style across all age groups, but what do I know. ¯\(°_o)/¯
And I guess you're saying there's no women in their thirties who are in the "hipster" set (I'll go on official record here for saying I despise that term and how it's come to be appropriated to everyone even remotely revolving around music, the arts, and alternative communities in general... as living in Portland, I always took it to be the Neutral Milk Hotel crowd with ironic mustaches, girl jeans, and fixie bikes... and that beards were non-ironic fashion for the rest of us rock guys and the Millennial gentry who've copped it).
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No one in my social circle dates or is married to a guy with a beard, unless he's in a "stage" and the SO begs him to shave.
I guess your social circle is one I would not look for women in(?). I've actually had one (this time) for around six-months now. Most of my search for dates over the last half-decade has been without facial hair.
Last edited by Tune_It_Lower; 08-30-2015 at 11:04 PM..
I received your message and thought I would chime in.
When I said, "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten." you talked about how you currently work a 9-6 while prior you lived the bohemian lifestyle as about 50% of your time was taken up by a band you were in, prior to that you then discussed how you drove a Lotus.
Most of the details you've given off have been about how you seem to define yourself by being 'Alternate' or 'Metro' or any one of a number of other things you've claimed.
I think you might have a chip on your shoulder. Women, and most people, can sense that. It sounds like you're giving off vibes(And people here who have been part of this conversation for longer than I have can probably be more accurate in this) to people you meet that you are hostile or desperate for approval(The two are not mutually exclusive).
I married up - My wife had her doctorate in mathematics. She produced historically accurate Victorian dresses.
I did not know any of these things when we started dating. Nor any of the host of other interests she had.
If you want real advice, we cannot truly tell you what you're doing wrong. I believe that you are giving off vibes of hostility and defensiveness, which anyone with life experience will sense. Speak to someone who is a friend of yours: Preferably female and point blank ask if you're giving off 'Don't date me' vibes. Perhaps you stare too long or too intently. Perhaps you immediately get defensive when they are playfully aggressive or say something you don't like. Perhaps you are combative and that's simply exhausting in a relationship.
We don't know you.
As an aside, here is a study on whether women actually like facial hair:
1.) It doesn't happen that often. It's just that it's ~4/5ths of the interested parties (the other 1/5th being ragged cougars mad at the kids today... yeah, that doesn't work either...)
2.) Young doesn't always mean they look like Selena Gomez or whomever. Some are attractive, some are not.
3.) I actually want a long term relationship, one where we travel (and I don't foot the whole bill for two people), take weekends for stuff, hang out with my significant other after we both get off work at 6:00-7:00-ish,etc. I don't blame early 20's women for being directionless and scattered... but it just doesn't work for me where I am in life.
4.) If I'm hot to 23 year olds, could I at least be hot to the occasional 27 year old, 33 year old, 36 year old, etc. every once in a while? I guess that's rhetorical.
Common man 23 27 33 there is not much of an age difference. Get some
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talk to them. Are you outgoing, OP? Do you chat with people while waiting in line at the cashier's, or while grocery shopping, or perusing art, or at intermission at a concert?
Eternal string of expectations, eternal string of letdowns. It's just that I've been doing this on-and-off for about five years now. The Meetups, online dating, going out to happy hours, bars, doing the things I enjoy with the hopes that they'll match me up with like minded women. 
I guess that's rhetorical.
