What makes a good relationship go bad? (younger, family, couple)

[TabulaRasa]

Onset of mental health issues that affect behavioral health.

Many formerly good marriages/relationships end up not being able to weather things like combat PTSD, schizophrenia (not uncommon to have young adult onset), Alzheimer's Disease (early or average onset), traumatic brain injury, etc.

The person is not the same, does not act and react in the same ways, and it can become very difficult and even unsafe to adjust to.

[rego00123]

Originally Posted by TabulaRasa

Onset of mental health issues that affect behavioral health.

Many formerly good marriages/relationships end up not being able to weather things like combat PTSD, schizophrenia (not uncommon to have young adult onset), Alzheimer's Disease (early or average onset), traumatic brain injury, etc.

The person is not the same, does not act and react in the same ways, and it can become very difficult and even unsafe to adjust to.

We recently had married friends devoirce becuase of health issues.

The man in the relationship was suffering from heart related issues. He was easy to anger due to being physically exsaughted...everything was just harder for him. As he aged this got more and more prevalent as things where naturally becoming harder to do with the loss of muscle mass and deterioration of his physical body on top of his physical ailment already making them difficult for him to do in the first place.

The stress on his body translated to stress on his mind. He was always in a state of irritability becuase he body was always under varring degrees of stress.

Although he was able to understand where his anger was coming from, he had no control over his irritability.
He was irritable all the time.

...their are so many things that can change behavior. It's a downward spiral affect

[TabulaRasa]

My grandfather developed congestive heart failure due to decades of working in a cement mill, breathing in cement dust that wreaked havoc on his respiratory/cardiovascular system. His health deteriorated, and with it, his quality of life, and he became an intensely depressed shut-in. He would go days/weeks without speaking to my grandmother, treated her with emotional abuse, she moved out of their room into her own, and he eventually never left his room. He went through the entire gamut of emotions and the grief cycle one goes through with major health issues, and gave in to extreme depression and anger. When he did interact at all, he said cruel, hurtful things, lashed out. He became unbearable to be around.

He and my grandmother stayed together until he died, but their relationship had long since deteriorated. Severe health issues clearly precipitated mental health problems that poisoned all his relationships with others.

[timberline742]

Emotions have a mind of their own, much of the time. Just no explaining when the feeling of falling in love will happen, or often, disappear.

[TabulaRasa]

I've actually never had feelings of love spontaneously disappear. On the rare occasions that feelings of love for someone have vanished, it's been in the wake of very specific precipitating events, occurrences, and/or behavior. I've never had the, "Yeah, just not feeling it anymore, can't explain it," experience.

I wonder if it's something some people experience more than others.

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by TabulaRasa

I've actually never had feelings of love spontaneously disappear. On the rare occasions that feelings of love for someone have vanished, it's been in the wake of very specific precipitating events, occurrences, and/or behavior. I've never had the, "Yeah, just not feeling it anymore, can't explain it," experience.

I wonder if it's something some people experience more than others.

I didn't say the feeling of love exactly, I said the feeling of falling in love. I meant to say really: being in love. Loving someone and being in love with them aren't remotely the same feeling.

I've never loved someone and then not loved them. But I have been in love and no longer been in love with them, though I still care.

I think people really don't appreciate the large difference between loving someone and being "in love" with someone (and no I don't mean infatuation).

I didn't articulate it as well as a I could have, I suppose.

[TabulaRasa]

Originally Posted by timberline742

I didn't say the feeling of love exactly, I said the feeling of falling in love. I meant to say really: being in love. Loving someone and being in love with them aren't remotely the same feeling.

Yeah, this isn't something I've ever been able to identify with, either. I get the loving someone in the platonic/familial love sense being a distinctly different emotion than that of romantic love, of course, but when just looking at romantic love on its own, I've never really been able to differentiate between "loving someone" and "being in love" with someone. To me, it's all the same thing. It's not that I don't appreciate a large difference between the two, it's that I genuinely don't see and haven't ever felt a difference, personally. *shrug* Perhaps I've only ever experienced one.

[orangeapple]

I think it was on here someone posted a thread about a book which noted the happier marriages simply had less negativity in comparison to the positives. That may seem obvious, but some think no problems is the answer. Really, it is a matter of perception, which is affected by the ration of happy moments to arguing.

The obvious things are finances, cheating or failing to care for their appearance. But often those are symptoms of an already bad relationship.

So I would say these are some things which lead people down the road to marital misery;
- Poor communication, leading to resentment, outbursts, verbal abuse and generally more negative talk than positive talk. If held in, the it leads to negative feelings, even if not aired. Need a balance of being able to be emotionally honest without fear of abandonment and communicating in non-hurtful and constructive ways.
- Lack of emotional/physical intimacy and physical/verbal affection, which oftenleads to lack of sex, and also makes the ratio of arguing seem higher (less positivity to counter it...and non-sexual touching maintains pair-bonding). It can also lead to a partner seeking support, attention, and intimacy from someone else.
- Tendency to be negative, increasing stress, arguing and criticism....when infatuation wears off we tend to default to our previous emotional state, which is why people note that a relationship in and of itself cannot make you happy. Stuff like criticizng your partner to others corrodes trust and respect too. They likely had many flaws when you met, but you chose to gloss over it then; you can keep choosing to do that or harp on flaws and be miserable. Not dealing with hard times as a team, but attacking the other out of stress; can be avoided if you cultivate a more calm, grateful, positive attitude.
- Laziness, one partner not pulling their weight as the other partner does way more practical work, whether for income and/or around the house. This will breed resentment, even in valid cases such as illness.
- Not taking reasonable care of one's appearance. Sure, everyone gets old, many gain sone weight, post pregnancy bodies look different (for men too...what's up with that? ).
- Getting into a rut and/or growing apart. Not spending time together doing anything fun or new...just the daily grind of life. Some are so stability focused they forget the purpose of creating stability - to make things run efficiently so you have time/energy for more significant and enjoyable pursuits.

[picklejuice]

Originally Posted by maastricht789

From my observations and close connection (brother) with the couple in question .... they met post-divorce. They seem to be at the same stage of life ... ages 48/52; both with 2 older kids of the same age, very little drama from their respective divorces, committed to each other. They get along very well...travel / go out often .... seen a positive change in them over the past 2+ years. Have heard both of them say how they fit well together .... BUT recently, there are signs of discord. Overheard my brother's gf say "Perhaps, I am not meant to ever be in a relationship".

I heard this reason given in another thread, but about a different relationship problem/subject: onset of menopause.

[beweirdess]

When one of the partners relaxes too much and stops trying to impress/ seduce The other. Then it gets super boring and it starts dying out