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Thanks for your feedback. But, maybe I'm in denial....but why does she continues to be that great GF in every way possible then the next day nothing. Part of her doubt of saying that she is not suited to be in any relationship stems from the fact (IMO).....that she has had 2 boyfriends as a teenager, moved away from home, lived with her uncle while attending college....met her future husband and married within 5 months....22 years later...divorced and met me within a few months of her divorce.
How does this explain her belief that she's not suited to be in a relationship? I'm not following you. She had a 22-year marriage. That's a pretty good run.
How does this explain her belief that she's not suited to be in a relationship? I'm not following you. She had a 22-year marriage. That's a pretty good run.
Any relationship you are in, there is always a possibility that one day the other person may not want to be in it anymore. I think you should respect her wishes!
Guys a lot of times where we make huge mistakes in relationships is in the beginning, we don't make a woman earn our trust, we just give it to them. A lot times when that happens you begin to feel pressured to do things that you're not really obligated to doing. The thing is, if a person can't see the good in you, that's on them. It's not your job to convince a person you're good, it will show through your heart.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
That's different than saying she's not suited to be in any relationship. If she wants to be single, she should say so.
Not sure I agree with this. The not suited to be in a relationship is a white lie. It probably means they don't want to date that person anymore, but if they say that they fear conflict. The "not suited" part, or the more common "I'm not ready for a relationship" line is to try to minimize the conflict and not make it about the other person or their relationship, but about themselves.
Any possible chance she could have a fear of commitment?
When will your child support obligations be over? It sounds like she's making excuses. If her money's tight, why did she buy new sheets for your bed? Sheets are expensive!
OP, she's not making sense. And it sounds like she's getting cold feet. Either that, or there's a problem in her mind that she hasn't communicated to you. So sorry this is happening to you, but it seems there's not much you can do. For whatever reason, she has doubts in her mind. It sounds like that's her problem, not anything you're causing by your behavior.
Ruth, the main issue as I see it is .... because of her background and her life experiences, she is obsessed with the need for security. And the men (father, ex-husband) in her life could not provide it.
As a foreign student, she could not finish college because her Dad business went bankrupt (no money) then subsequently years later died because of alcoholism. She married her ex-husband in part to get her green card....was married for 22 years. She has worked hard ever since she had to leave college.
She likes "quality" items but is NOT extravagent in her spending...she will budget until she can purchase what she wants. Example, she drives a BMW (albeit 7 yrs old) which she bought with her own money....and without her ex-husband approval. She said she was upset at the time that her ex did not agree to buy her the car. I say that because that has been a constant discussion point .... she wonders if I will be like her ex. She says my "consumer behavior" is not like hers .... hence the new sheets.
Not sure I agree with this. The not suited to be in a relationship is a white lie. It probably means they don't want to date that person anymore, but if they say that they fear conflict. The "not suited" part, or the more common "I'm not ready for a relationship" line is to try to minimize the conflict and not make it about the other person or their relationship, but about themselves.
Because of her cultural / moral beliefs, she is conflicted between being the "traditional/old world" woman where the man does everything for the woman and the woman "takes care of her man" versus being a modern 21st century working mother. In her mind, a man-woman relationship can only take place within marriage .... but we are not married ....so how can I really mean what I say if we are not married. Hence the conflict.
Ruth, the main issue as I see it is .... because of her background and her life experiences, she is obsessed with the need for security. And the men (father, ex-husband) in her life could not provide it.
As a foreign student, she could not finish college because her Dad business went bankrupt (no money) then subsequently years later died because of alcoholism. She married her ex-husband in part to get her green card....was married for 22 years. She has worked hard ever since she had to leave college.
She likes "quality" items but is NOT extravagent in her spending...she will budget until she can purchase what she wants. Example, she drives a BMW (albeit 7 yrs old) which she bought with her own money....and without her ex-husband approval. She said she was upset at the time that her ex did not agree to buy her the car. I say that because that has been a constant discussion point .... she wonders if I will be like her ex. She says my "consumer behavior" is not like hers .... hence the new sheets.
This changes the picture a bit, OP. Buying a BMW and fixating on "consumer behavior" (really??), buying new sheets, those things have nothing to do with financial security concerns. A BMW is a luxury vehicle, and they're expensive to maintain. That was a poor choice on her part, and it's not surprising her ex didn't support that decision.
She's not into security, OP. She's into money, and spending it. She hasn't been extravagant in her spending (except for the BMW ) because she hasn't been able to. She wants a man who has enough money that she can buy nice stuff when she wants, instead of having to budget. There's a huge red flag here that you're missing entirely. She wants your credit card, not you. Sorry to say, but that's what it looks like from this latest revelation of yours. She's tired of budgeting, and wants a higher standard of living, which she knows you won't be able to provide her, because some of your income is locked up in alimony/child support. Plus, you seem to live somewhat frugally or plainly (a good thing), perhaps not replacing your sheets as often as she'd like, foregoing periodic redecorating, and other spendy choices.
She's not the person you thought she was. Rude awakening, but better to realize that now, than puzzle over it forever, and agonize over her departure.
One wonders why she stayed with you this long, after sizing up your economic situation. Better luck next time, OP. You sound like a good guy, and you deserve happiness.
This changes the picture a bit, OP. Buying a BMW and fixating on "consumer behavior" (really??), buying new sheets, those things have nothing to do with financial security concerns. A BMW is a luxury vehicle, and they're expensive to maintain. That was a poor choice on her part, and it's not surprising her ex didn't support that decision.
She's not into security, OP. She's into money, and spending it.
I come from a completely different perspective on this.
If someone wants to buy something, and budgets for it, where's the problem? If someone else disagrees with the expenditure, does it then make it "wrong"? I couldn't imagine begrudging someone something that they wanted, budgeted for and then purchased.
With that being said, OP, she wants out. No matter how much you want it, if she's not on board, you have your answer.
You can be committed all you want-- but it takes two for a relationship.
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) because she hasn't been able to. She wants a man who has enough money that she can buy nice stuff when she wants, instead of having to budget. There's a huge red flag here that you're missing entirely. She wants your credit card, not you. Sorry to say, but that's what it looks like from this latest revelation of yours. She's tired of budgeting, and wants a higher standard of living, which she knows you won't be able to provide her, because some of your income is locked up in alimony/child support. Plus, you seem to live somewhat frugally or plainly (a good thing), perhaps not replacing your sheets as often as she'd like, foregoing periodic redecorating, and other spendy choices. 
