Would you considered this to be "Controlling"? He controlling? (mother-in-law, marry)

[SummerFall]

Originally Posted by gouligann

Not too many husbands would insist that THEY change a lightbulb or carry heavy things for their wives. You say he is affectionate, emotionally supportive with you, kind and caring, and provides financial security for both of you. Your husband sounds like every woman's dream husband.

First of all, no one has the right to control another person. Take into consideration that your husband is a wonderful (sounding) guy and he is NOT your mother. I don't get the feeling from your post that he wants to control you at all. He's only worried and wants what is best for you and your future pregnancy(s).

I suggest that you and your husband make a compromise... Tell him you will ONLY work in an office while you are pregnant and then after you give birth, you will take another retail job. If doing this small thing will keep the peace in an otherwise wonderful marriage, (or so it sounds) then put your thoughts of your controlling mother and horrible childhood behind for a short time.

I agree with above post. You have admitted this guy is nice to you, you hardly ever have problems, and he lets you have YOUR way most of the time. But now, when it comes to the baby which will ALSO be his, he now wants to have a say in something for once because he is concerned about the well being of you and the baby. AND YOU AND SOME OTHERS ON HERE CALL HIM CONTROLLING???

So..this guy caters to you and your wants like 95 percent of the time, but now that he puts his foot down he is the devil?? AND..AND.....he is putting his foot down out of concern about the pregnancy. AND..his reasons make absolute sense.

I think you need to calm down and understand that your husband is not your mother. You need to either get a grip about your past, or seek counseling for it. I do NOT believe your husband is being controlling at all. He is finally just stepping up and having a say in things. You want it were NO ONE ever tells you what they want to do. Well...its a give and take in relationships. Sometimes one person calls the shots on an issue, and another time the other person calls the shots. Its give and take. Not necessarily controlling. Ive been with a controlling man. And honey, your husband sounds NOTHING like he was. Comprise with your husband. My God he is just worried. Take the office job, then go back to retail if you want.

Ok....I read that you have tried counseling already. Well I don't know what to tell you. You need to totally erase your family out if they bring you so much pain. Why keep going around them if it brings pain? You need to make a choice . Let go of your family, or continue to suffer the pain they bring. Move away from them. Change ur number. You must be married to a black guy. Everyone likes to lose their mind when one of their precious family members dates a black person.

[rosebyanothername]

Do what you want to do. Personally, I believe that he is looking out for your best interests, physically and financially. It doesn't sound like he understands exactly how strongly you feel working your retail job, being on your feet--even while pregnant, making less money--when you could probably make more money with a little training.

I don't understand why you choose what you do either.

It doesn't matter. What matters is that it is your choice to make.

Yes, he is being controlling to try and tell you that you HAVE to do that.

[thestaircase]

To SummerFall,
We been through alot, since I met him 5 years ago. It wasn't all rosey, it was hard. Especially with the tremendous pressure on my Chinese family side, it add alot of strain. And my emotional baggage, it just hard.
But we make it, we married now and I'm still trying to find faults. I guess because I suffer alot in my chilhood. Now I'm just NOT used to happiness. I don't think I can ever adapt to happiness.

He knows everything about my childhood. And I bet him letting me have things my way, it just his 'way' trying to solve this childhood baggage of mine.

You right, I shouldn't give my husband more stress. I'm stubborn and I have anxiety over nothing. I will start look for an Office job on Monday, it shouldn't be a problem since there alot of Chinese Doctor/Dentist business offices here.

I mentioned before in here that my husband is a Truck driver. He's a Fuel Tanker Truck driver. He hauls gasoline an fuel liquids.
I'm worried about his safety, especially knowing his truck hauls sloshing flammable/explosive liquid; there more danger risk and responsibility.
He's a very balance and smooth driver. But I still worried like when it heavy raining days, when there slippery roads. Or when have tight deadlines delivered fuel on time, and there traffic ahead, it can be mentally stressful.
If anything happened to him on the freeway, he hauls explosive liquid, it will be there go myh husband life.

If I have a choice, I really don't want to see my husband hauling 10,000 gallons of highly flammable gasoline/fuel, delivered 5-6 loads per day. But he gotta do what he gotta do for survival. He drives local so he home at night and I'm still worried!
He works this job full time Monday to Friday, and he make $55,000 a year. It have great benefits and health benefits. He also get a raise annually too. It not a fun job, but someone got to do it.

Unless Americans don't drive anymore, don't use gasoline anymore. Someone have to drive the tanker truck to delivered gasoline and fuel. I just wish he was driving Food/Milk truck instead.
But his Fuel truck job it very stable, the jobs always there. He doesn't want to change career, he likes his job.
Back then, he himself volunteer went to Trucking school and got his trucking License, I know it something he want to do as a career. And I'm as his then girlfriend now wife, I just have to support his decission.

He also have a Warehouse job on the weekend Sat to Sun. He only make $15,000 a year for this job though. It a part time job. But he works so we can have extra income.
None of us have a college degree. And he doing well himself given he alone make total of $70,000 a year.

So yeah, my husband work his butt off to secure everything for us, from financial to emotional. Financially I don't have any worries at all.. My minimum wage job, I work is for myself, I work for my own self-worth.
Eversince I married him, I live a life without worried much. We at a possition where we have enough money im our saving to pay for a house down-payment by the end of next year.

We have zero debt, we Debt-free. We both have excellent credit scores. We pay our credit card early in full payment on time every month. Never once we miss out on a credit payment.. With his yearly income, he more than qualify to get a home loan.

I know there few truckers wife here on this forum. If you happend to read this, do you mind share about the time when you and your DH buy a house?

----------------------------------------------------
Perhaps my husband secure everything for me, he do everything for me. And here I am trying to feed my childhood emotional baggage by picking on him.
My therapist said he is a Saint for putting up with my childhood baggage. And I should be thanking my lucky stars everyday.

I'm terrible for thinking he controlling. Even my own therapist say my normal meter is so broken. My therapist said it MY issue, NOT a husband issue.
She said she see ZERO, ZERO red flags in him, like zip, nothing.

But then she see alot of childhood emotional baggage red flags in me. She said I need to work on MYSELF.
Stop picking on my husband, Stop picking faults my marriage. Let him be a husband, and work on myself.

My therapist say, she never see someone with a broken normal meter like me. That how servere I am.
I don't know how to snap out of this, Perhaps find another therapist until I find a right one.

Yeah, my normal meter pretty messed up. My therapist said I'm here complain and complain, when there nothing to complain about.
Anyways, thank you for all the advice. Will listen to the husband and try office job.
I don't know why I'm fighting inside, probably just fighting for the heck of fighting. Like I'm always I'm, prone to anxiety and over-analytical everything.

When your own therapist said she never see someone with such a broken normal meter. That means it pretty bad, I do realized how my childhood is effecting me, I just don't know "how" to snap out of it. I'm gonna continue try this therapist and see, if not work out, then to next therapist until I find the right one.

[Kibbiekat]

You seem to realize the issues are your own, not his. I"m sorry you have so much baggage, but your therapist should help you rise above it, get out of it.

You never answered WHY you want to keep a lower paying job that you don't even like.

I think your mom has convinced you that you aren't worth anything, and thus not worth any more than minimum wage; and I think the retail job symbolizes how you got away from your abusive mother. Neither of those are legitimate reasons to keep a job you don't like when you could get a better one.

Just saying "oh well, I'll start looking for an office job on Monday" doesn't solve your problem. Now you will resent your husband for getting a job you don't want without addressing the actual problem which is why you don't want the better job for yourself.

You are risking losing your husband if you don't get your head straightened out.

[CraigCreek]

If it helps any, please understand that you can certainly help orphans in China without having to personally go to China. The same is true for orphans in other countries around the world. There are charities and non-profits which provide various kinds of assistance which would welcome your help.

There may even be some based in your area - would it be a dream job to work for one of them, doing office work? It might be possible, but you'll have to look around and see if this scenario exists in your area. Even if there are no such organizations in your area, you can still help. Look online, and you'll find a lot of them.

Also, you might be able to visit orphanages abroad for a week or two as part of a service project, even if you can't return to China permanently. You'd probably be very useful as a translater during such a trip.

So while you may need to alter this dream some, you don't have to give it up at all

[CraigCreek]

I am not clear about your relationship with your own family. You said your mother had disowned you, but then you write as if you still see or at least hear from her regularly.

It sounds to me as if establishing clear boundaries with your mother would be best. If you are with her and she starts to criticize you or your husband unjustly, tell her to stop, that you won't discuss it. If she continues, leave.

If you see her at all, keep it very superficial. Do not get into arguments with her or let her draw you into disagreements. Limit your time with her, and with anyone who criticizes your marriage and your other life-choices. It's okay to tell her that if she is just going to be critical and argumentative, you will leave. It's okay to tell her that you don't want this sort of thing in your own house - you may be surprised to see her back down if you tell her this. You don't deserve to be subjected to her bullying.. Remember you are an adult, and not that scared little girl you once were. She was cruel to that little girl, who deserved a LOT better. Don't let her continue to bully you now. If she starts, cut her off. If she continues, leave.

Best wishes to you.

P.S. Do you see a connection with your interest in helping orphans and your own childhood? It's not unusual for people with dysfunctional childhoods to want to work constructively with children as adults, and as long as you understand this, it's fine. Just realize that the children you may work with are not you, and that there are no remakes in life. However, you can certainly contribute to a better quality of life for children, and your past experiences will likely make you more compassionate and understanding.

[thestaircase]

To CraigCreek, may I explain to you this situation regarding my mom.

I live 1 hour drive away from my mom. I do drive home to visit 2-3 times a mohth, to visit my old Chinese father, the father that never abuse me. My dad is very old now, as a daughter I do want to see my dad and I miss my dad.
My dad is 10+ years older than my mom, and his health is not good now. When he go somewhere, it mom go with him.

The person that abuse me is my mother, not my father. I will not held my dad reliable for something my mom do.

My dad was a businessman back in Shanghai, China. He work hard to have enough money to immigrant our whole family to USA. Trust me, it NOT cheap to immigrant the whole family to U.S.
If it weren't for my dad, I won't be able to come to U.S. with my family at age 12
I was 12 years old when I first step foot on USA.

I give an example of how hard it is for me when I drive home to visit my dad.
For example last time on Fathers' Day. I drove over an hour on the freeway in hot weather to came back home, so I can have a meal with my dad. I know my mom hate me for being a disobedience and unfilial daughter. But I love my dad and I want to see my dad.
I know my mom will continue to verbally abuse me and insult me. Mom she still hold grudge against me, because I didn't listen to her and I decided my fate in my own marriage. She hates me even more because I choose my husband over her.
Yes, I know I committed the biggest top sin in Chinese culture being unflial. I know Karma won't spare me, I admit I deserve it when Karma decided to find me.

When I back to visit, I told my mom I won't stay long. I just want a peaceful meal with my dad, so I can talk to him and see how he doing.
If you're in my situation, you will know what emotional abusive is when you can see your own tears drop down the rice bowl while eating. In the past, I had swallow my own tears while eating on the dinner table. NEVER once I can have a nice meal with my old father with my mom presence, hearing she belittle/insulting me.
If it weren't for my old father, I do not have the strength to come back home to visit at all.

This time back, I told myself do not let my tears dropped down on the rice bowl again, Nope, I will not again be the girl that eat rice and eat my own tears again. I remind myself I will just stay to finish eat the meal with my dad then go home. I will just ignore mom comments, just be numb by my her words.
Mom still hold grudges because still belittle me, and still verbally insult me with her hurtful comments. My older brother had to stood up for me, and tell me I don't have to hear anymore of these hurtful words. My older brother said that I should just leave, because my mom won't stop lecturing me.
So I said sorry to my dad, and I walked out of the door and left.

When I left, I was proud of myself. Because hey, I didn't cry like last time, there was no tears in my rice bowl this time. But then when I get inside my car, I stare at the wheel and tears would just dropped and dropped down my face, I fail again. I realized that what my mom say still hurt, her words still have strong effect on me.
Subconsciously my mom still have alot of control over me, and control over my train of thoughts. You know what I mean?

I have try therapy, I am in therapy right now. And obviously it didn't help much, or else there won't be this thread. Perhaps I still haven't find the right therapist that I can click with.
I need clarity. I feel that I'm confuse. It still so much internal conflicts I have inside myself.

I don't klow what to do anymore. My mom will continue to lecture, will continue to make hurtful comments toward me, because she still hold grudges against me. It is her mouth, I cannot stop her from lecturing me; all I can do is suck it up.
I been sucking it up. I hold and hold it inside me. It like a balloon, one day it will just explode. I probably have an emotional break down by then. It just soooo hardddd. You know what I mean?

I don't know the right word to described it, but it the tremendous pressure. The mentally pressure from my mother. It like strain my head, my mental health, you know?
The physical pain it there and then gone. But the mental/emotional pain, it linger and linger, it just very very heavy on my head. I don't know why but it just hurt and hurt.

----------------------------
I put on a happy front when my husband home,because my husband doesn't deserve to have an unhappy wife. He is an awesome husband, he deserve better than this.
We just like other normal couple. I cook him dinner, wait he home to get late dinner together. We eat dinner we talk together. We watch News together, we go to bed together same time. We wake up at the same time.

On his half day off work. We go out to movies, go to eat, walk around the park, do things together like other normal couple.
We talk, we laugh we giggles like when we dating. Our marriage it just peaceful, the daily stable and steady.

But as a husband, he knows deep down inside the situation with my mother still bothering me. He said when I feel grief, he feels grief too.
The advice given to me here is right. I need to snap out of this childhood. I don't know "how", but I need to find a way. Try a different therapist. There have to be one that work.

[Kibbiekat]

I don't think your therapy will work as long as you still sit down to a meal with your mother every few weeks. What does your dad say while your mom is saying mean things to you?

You haven't been unfilial and karma is not going to get you. You married someone you love. You are entitled to do that. You are an adult and should be able to live your own life. This is the problem. You feel like you did something wrong. As far as I can tell, you didn't. Don't let your mom have so much control over your mind.

Tell your dad you can't be around your mother anymore. If you must visit, take him out to dinner. Only him.

[CraigCreek]

It sounds awful. How does your father react when your mother starts in on you? Does he speak up and come to your defense, or does he just let her say bad things?

Can you take your father out to eat instead of eating at your parents' house?

Instead of thinking of eating your own tears in your rice bowl (that's a remarkable image, btw), try to think of your mother's cruel words as water, that runs off you and evaporates and leaves no trace. Ignore what she says - do not reply, just talk calmly to your father about something else. If she insists on a response from you, just politely say, "Yes, Mother, I heard you". Do not let her see that she is upsetting you - that is what she wants, to make you unhappy and guilty. That is not right and you don't deserve to be treated that way.

Does your brother live with your parents? Can he visit them when you are there, to help deflect your mother and change the dynamics?

If you don't feel that you are making any progress with your current therapist, tell them that. They may be able to try another approach. If that still doesn't work, then find someone new.

Also, it sounds to me as if you are trying to be a very dutiful daughter to your parents. You are right to put your marriage first, though. You can still honor your parents - in this case, your mother doesn't deserve to be "honored", but you are visiting regularly and being respectful towards her and loving towards your father and brother. That's plenty!

Don't worry about what the local Chinese community thinks or says about you, either. I expect if most people knew the truth, they'd have a great deal of sympathy for you. Hold your head up high and don't be distressed by false gossip.

Best wishes to you.

[thestaircase]

Thank you KibbieKat and CraigCreek for your supporting words.
Kibbiekat, I''m sorry but I don't know how to answer your question when you asked why I want to work on this minimum wage Retail job. Maybe you right, maybe because all my life my mother instilled in my head that I worth less than a dog. The most I can worth is work at a minimum wage job for the rest of my life.

CrigaCreek, thank you for your understanding. I know my replies probably doesn't make any sense to a westerner. But this is what I'm struggling through as a Chinese girl raise in the rigid traditional Chinese culture.
For me, it really hard. It might look easy as an outsider looking in. But wbhen you are the person in the situation, it not easy.. The mental torture it just straining, it really really heavy on my head.

My dad is 15 years older in age than my mom. Mom and dad was in arranged marriage back then in China. It is normal back then in their age and time, that China have arrange marriage.
My dad is old now, and his health is not good now. When he go somewhere, it mom go with him, and help care for him.

I can come home visit less and less. But then I feel unfilial. I don't know how many years my dad have left with me and my brother. Please don't misunderstand me, I want my dad forever live with us.. But realistic is parents can't live with us forever, nobody is immortal.
When my dad still alive, I want to fulfill my duty as a daughter.

When my mom belittle me, scold at me and insult me at the dinner table. My dad does ask my mom to stop, but my mom refused to listen, what can he do? He can't just put his hands and cover my mom mouth.
He is an old man, and my mom is a younger woman who sure have a very fast tounge and mouth. She can yell too, she sure can talk all over his dad face. You know what I mean?

My dad didn't straight out insult me and my marriage, like how my mom insult me.. He just quite and not have comment. But I know deep down inside he doesn't approved my marriage. I can see in his eyes, he wasn't thrilled or happy at my marriage.

My older brother doesn't live with my mom. He married even before me. He is married with 4 kids and a wife he needs to take care. He have a handful. I don't want to bother him with my personal problems.
Unless it an absolutely emergency.

I have 2 friends my whole life since my High school days. But my 2 friends are married too, they both married before me and and they have kids. We can't hang out like how we were back then in our school days and our single days. We do get together once in a while to have 'girl talk', but that is once in a while thing.

I know this thread is like I'm using it as my diary. But I really don't have anyone to talk to. I feel that they don't understand me.
Even my own therapist think my normal meter is so broken, she said she never see one with such broken normal meter like me. That is quite a servere statement.

Fortunately, I have good relationship with my mother in-law. But I will not use my MIL to vent about my internal emotional conflicts inside. This is for therapist.
My husband is close with his family. He very close with his mother. His dad deceased when he was young, he was raised by his mother and his older sister.

My mother in-law treats me very good, she very nice to me. She wants us to have kids. She said she will help me watch the baby.
Sadly to say, but I'm close to my MIL more than I'm close to my mother. Me and my Chinese mother just have zero relationship.

Yes, I realized my life is doomes.
Financially I don't have to worried, no dooomed in financial. No doomed in mariage, because I have an awesome husband who loves me.
BUT I'm doomed when it come to mental health and inner peace. My head it just so heavy, my mother give me alot of pressure and strain.

Maybe I need to stop come home to visit. But I don't know how to find away to get my dad out alone so I can met him. Dad is very old now, and when he go somewhere, mom is coming with him.