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hey guys, the more i think about it, the more i find communicating with my husband difficult and wanted to see if guys have any concrete suggestions.
On one hand they say the key to a good marriage/relationship is communication, and it would be unfair to make any radical decisions without giving my husband an opportunity to know what bothers me. On another hand a lot of men admit that they don't like emotional talk (my husband is very pragmatic and very non-verbal in general)
So how am I supposed to communicate to a man who does not like talking about emotions the fact that I don't feel loved, and appreciated and that my erotic needs are not met? He is a good person, but feels like a roommate, not like a romantic partner.
Any suggestions on how to talk about this so that 1. he actually listens, and 2. i dont hurt him
I dont think that sucking it up is an option for me at this time, because i can't live like this anymore.
As we have said numerous times in your other threads, you need to get together with a marriage/marital counselor to work through these issues. The problems and difficulties you have outlined elsewhere show there are serious and deep seated issues in your relationship which are becoming an increasing wedge between the two of you.
Putting the right "spin" on how to bring up these sensitive topics is not going to allow you to suddenly resolve the issues.
Even if he won't go with you, the marriage counselor may still be a benefit to you and the particulars of your situation. So you should still go.
I can't address all your issues, but I can say this, we have been married 30 years and the most important time of the day is when we walk the dog for an hour a day every day. During that time we talk continually and we sort out all our daily issues.
Just because he doesn't talk to you much doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. He maybe introverted and needs quite time to recharge his batteries. Another thing that I noticed is that my wife likes to talk about nothing and to some guys this is white noise so that when she needs to talk about something important the guy may not know this and treats it as white noise.
Here's the most important part of communications with a guy, come to the point. don't try to hope that he gets it. I told me wife that I will not try to guess what she means, I told her to just say it. Don't hope that he will know what your needs are, believe me when I say that most guys will do what makes their wife's happy if they know what it is.
I could only comment on my own experiences... I hope this provides some insight. My true advice is go seek a professional help as an individual and as a couple. However, I do realize how difficult it is to take that step. I'm struggling with it as well.....
My wife and I are going through a tough time; its complex. However, one of the things I have identified was how communication broke down between us... gradually over time. It really helps that both of us have spent quite a bit of time learning, discovering how each of us are "wired". This understanding came with years of being each others' support structure through various life's difficulties way back when we were just best of friends. For example... I'm an introvert and my wife is an extrovert. She understands my needs as an introvert and has learned when to give me space in solitude to gather my thoughts/recharge without assuming that I'm rejecting or ignoring her. In turn, I understand her self-esteem/confidence issues and know when she needs encouragement and when just to be quietly supportive.
Be observant and put to thought the subtle needs of your partner... learn from it... try not to assume he reacts in the same manner you would react in similar situations. Take daily interest and invest in each other's emotional and feelings. Men, in particular, are raised to compartmentalize and isolate their feelings/emotions. This is because we are raised to believe that those are vulnerabilities that can be exploited... a sign of weakness. He has to completely and utterly feel secure with you before he is willing to show / discuss true self. If you feel that there exists an insecurity around being vulnerable to you, work on that first before expecting him to open up to you.
One of the things my wife and I have done to improve communication is schedule time at the end of the evening to talk.. daily. We make sure the kids are asleep to insure privacy and no interruption. We have ground rules.
* No yelling or interrupting.
* Feel free to say whatever is on your mind.
* Don't waste time sugar coating... It is a waist of effort, slower to get true feelings out, and can result in miscommunication.
* We agree that nothing is to be taken defensively. Even if feelings are hurt. We focus on getting things "out in the open".
* Focus on the "couple" rather than individual. (this is difficult one) Rarely are problems the result of a single individual but rather the breakdown of the couple.
* Seek to acknowledge no matter how one disagrees. Seek to be understand no matter how irrational feelings may be on the surface. Only after that do we seek to be understood.
Good luck to you. I realize it is very difficult. I see that others have posted that you've touch on these issues in other threads. I haven't seen those threads... however.. try to make incremental improvements rather than the drastic. Incremental improvements could absolutely be steps towards therapy.
You need marital therapy. This is about more than just "communication tips."
I second this. Nothing anyone will say to you here is going to help. You need someone with real experience to sit and talk with both of you together. I will add, even if your husband doesn't go, you should go. Good luck.
hey guys, the more i think about it, the more i find communicating with my husband difficult and wanted to see if guys have any concrete suggestions.
On one hand they say the key to a good marriage/relationship is communication, and it would be unfair to make any radical decisions without giving my husband an opportunity to know what bothers me. On another hand a lot of men admit that they don't like emotional talk (my husband is very pragmatic and very non-verbal in general)
So how am I supposed to communicate to a man who does not like talking about emotions the fact that I don't feel loved, and appreciated and that my erotic needs are not met? He is a good person, but feels like a roommate, not like a romantic partner.
Any suggestions on how to talk about this so that 1. he actually listens, and 2. i dont hurt him
I dont think that sucking it up is an option for me at this time, because i can't live like this anymore.
Tell him the bolded. Then tell him the two of you need to get into couples counseling to work at avoiding a divorce.
That will get his attention. Don't mince words or try to soften the message in any way. Just say it, and say it like you mean it.
hey guys, the more i think about it, the more i find communicating with my husband difficult and wanted to see if guys have any concrete suggestions.
On one hand they say the key to a good marriage/relationship is communication, and it would be unfair to make any radical decisions without giving my husband an opportunity to know what bothers me. On another hand a lot of men admit that they don't like emotional talk (my husband is very pragmatic and very non-verbal in general)
So how am I supposed to communicate to a man who does not like talking about emotions the fact that I don't feel loved, and appreciated and that my erotic needs are not met? He is a good person, but feels like a roommate, not like a romantic partner.
Any suggestions on how to talk about this so that 1. he actually listens, and 2. i dont hurt him
I dont think that sucking it up is an option for me at this time, because i can't live like this anymore.
I realize you don't want to hurt him but the 'emotional' and 'erotic' needs are going to be personal.
Take time to be there for him. Support him and commend him for what you DO like.
Positive reinforcement will always out weigh negative complaints.
As square and CDR level of gay it may seem, set some time aside every week where you can talk about anything that bothers you or your hubby, or talk about the relationship in general. This allows communication at time when you are not upset with each other. Other than that, be more direct than you feel comfortable with. Most all men appreciate it.
I hope you find some helpful answers. I know how you feel as I was in a marriage and a long term relationship and had similar issues. wish you the best
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