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I know, I know - this is the biggest disgrace in girl world, but it happens. And never did I ever think I would be "that girl" or "the other girl". But it's happened.
Over a year ago, in the summer, I met this (single) guy through mutual friends. Handsome, sweet, funny. As we flirted all weekend, we continued to keep in touch through texting once he went back home.
Note: we are from different states, different colleges, different age (two years).
A month or two into school I noticed through social media that he got a girlfriend, no big deal, good for him. A few months into their relationship we somehow came across paths and started communicating again. That first night we started talking, and it lasted all night. He was sounding all sad, in a bar, not like him. He somewhat explained his situation (problems with the girlfriend) but I didn't need to know that. I was just being there for him. Then the night escalated into a whole new conversation all about us. Flirting to no end, and probably a little too far if you know what I mean.
I thought this may have been a one time thing, but no. From there on out we talked several times a week, this lasted for a couple months until I finally said something. I felt guilty, like why is he talking to me like this. I felt like he should be talking to his girlfriend this way, not me. As I tell him it has to stop, and that it's not right; he simply says "our feelings are only going to grow stronger if you try to deny this." Really?! How stupidly perfect is that? A few days go by, I couldn't help but talk to him. I don't know why, it just didn't feel right.
From there on out, we have talked nearly every single day. Through texting, snapchatting, face timing, everything. It's been about a total of 10 months of constant talking. And a little over a year since I met him. And yes, he's still in a relationship... We don't talk about it much, but sometimes I get annoyed because I see posts that he's tagged in (from his girlfriend) online. And they are "social media perfect." I feel like I shouldn't have the right to be mad, but then again I don't know of any right that I may or may not have. He always says the same thing about them, they aren't doing good. She's in denial that they've been bad for a long time, blah blah. But where I'm confused is, if you're not happy, why stay together? Or doesn't he feel guilty? I just don't understand that.
I haven't seen him since that summer, 2014. weve talked about seeing each other. Him come to my city, or me go there. We just haven't had an exact time and date. It's hard through school and work I guess. But I know I have to see him, and soon. We both feel like we are so comfortable with each oher and have some type of strong feelings for one another. And the compliments he gives me, oh my. I just love it, literally no guy has ever talked to me this way. I don't know, there is something there and we have to figure it out.
But when we do see each other, what will happen? It could go bad, good. Or even if it's amazing, what will happen with him and his girlfriend?! Then he's physically cheating on her. I've thought to myself "would if there's other girls" or "if he's doing this to her, why wouldn't he do it to me?" But it just doesn't feel like that.
When I've talked to my friends about this, they can't believe it. I show them some messages and some of them are even jealous. They tell me it's a sticky situation, but if the feelings are there, then to not shut it out. Ughhhhh.
I've always been the advice giver to my friends in relationships. And now I'm stuck, I've never met anyone who has gone through this and I don't know what to do.
Last edited by love-lost; 09-01-2015 at 01:16 AM..
Cut off all contact with him! As you said if he's really that unhappy he will leave her. Otherwise you are just entertainment for him when he is bored!
Cut off all contact with him! As you said if he's really that unhappy he will leave her. Otherwise you are just entertainment for him when he is bored!
Some women's lives are so dull (as they see it) that they're satisfied with being some guy's play-doll when his SO's back is turned. He has no intention of ever taking her seriously--she's the equivalent of a disposable styrofoam cup--but hey, she gets that 'special' feeling when he calls. It's a guy, and it's attention.
Morals go out the window when the ego is being fed.
I strongly suspect he is lying to both of you in order to maintain this scenario. Sounds like he has mastered the art of pretty words and you are falling for it hook, line, and sinker. Words are empty when they are not backed up by actions.
Last edited by CapsChick; 09-01-2015 at 06:58 AM..
Cut off all contact with him! As you said if he's really that unhappy he will leave her. Otherwise you are just entertainment for him when he is bored!
I agree with his. No he does not feel guilty, as long as his girlfriend never finds out. Some have the mentality if their SO doesn't know about it, then nobody is hurt. If he was unhappy with his girlfriend, he'd have left her. He isn't going to leave her because he doesn't want to. Unless they share finances or children, he has no reason to stay in an unhappy relationship.
I doubt he really loves his girlfriend. But in the end, she's his official girlfriend and he's not planning to leave apparently. so he's more invested in her than you. And he'd rather have you upset and mad than his girlfriend. After all, you're the one he won't hide other women from. So he apparently doesn't take your standards seriously. But he doesn't let his girlfriend know he's with other women, probably because he knows she'd leave him and not put up with that.
In most cases, the mistress ends up more invested in the "relationship" than the guy they are with. And they hold very little power in the affair for the mere fact the guys don't care about them.
You get angry about him dating his girlfriend, yet you still talk to him. So does he have any reason to change things when he's got (at least) 2 women who want him. Imagine the ego-boost he's getting from this situation. not only does he have a girlfriend. He's got a girl on the side who is so stuck on him, she's willing to play 2nd fiddle and share him with another woman just to hold on to him. If by chance, he really is unhappy, and leaves his girlfriend for you, how well can you trust a man that needs to run off and find other women behind his SO's back when things get rough?
Not to mention, you can't trust what he says about his girlfriend, because very few guys brag about their wives and girlfriends to their side-chicks. They say what the SC wants to hear to keep them on the hook. it's like "Oh well if he's unhappy, then I have a chance with him, and he'll leave his girl for me." The guy knows that ain't gonna happen. but he won't let you know that. because if the sc knows she really doesn't stand a chance, she wouldn't bother to try, and he wouldn't get to mess around.
Last edited by HappyRain; 09-01-2015 at 06:17 AM..
A month or two into school I noticed through social media that he got a girlfriend, no big deal, good for him. A few months into their relationship we somehow came across paths and started communicating again. "Somehow"? One of you had to start it up again....
That first night we started talking, and it lasted all night. He was sounding all sad, in a bar, not like him. He somewhat explained his situation (problems with the girlfriend) but I didn't need to know that. I was just being there for him. You should have cut it off then, told him to call his GF and stop calling you.
Then the night escalated into a whole new conversation all about us. Flirting to no end, and probably a little too far if you know what I mean.
As I tell him it has to stop, and that it's not right; he simply says "our feelings are only going to grow stronger if you try to deny this." Really?! How stupidly perfect is that? Totally NOT perfect. A few days go by, I couldn't help but talk to him. I don't know why, it just didn't feel right. You do know why. Because it felt good. Still, you should have stopped.
From there on out, we have talked nearly every single day. Through texting, snapchatting, face timing, everything. It's been about a total of 10 months of constant talking. Basically, an emotional affair.
And a little over a year since I met him. And yes, he's still in a relationship... We don't talk about it much, but sometimes I get annoyed because I see posts that he's tagged in (from his girlfriend) online. And they are "social media perfect." I feel like I shouldn't have the right to be mad, You don't. but then again I don't know of any right that I may or may not have. He always says the same thing about them, they aren't doing good. She's in denial that they've been bad for a long time, blah blah. You have NO right judging their relationship because you don't even know her. You have HIS version of events. But where I'm confused is, if you're not happy, why stay together? Or doesn't he feel guilty? I just don't understand that.
I haven't seen him since that summer, 2014. weve talked about seeing each other. Him come to my city, or me go there. We just haven't had an exact time and date. It's hard through school and work I guess. But I know I have to see him, and soon. Nope. We both feel like we are so comfortable with each oher and have some type of strong feelings for one another. And the compliments he gives me, oh my. I just love it, literally no guy has ever talked to me this way. I don't know, there is something there and we have to figure it out.
But when we do see each other, what will happen? It could go bad, good. Or even if it's amazing, what will happen with him and his girlfriend?! Then he's physically cheating on her. He's already cheating on her, and so are you. I've thought to myself "would if there's other girls" or "if he's doing this to her, why wouldn't he do it to me?" But it just doesn't feel like that. Don't kid yourself.
When I've talked to my friends about this, they can't believe it. I show them some messages and some of them are even jealous. They tell me it's a sticky situation, but if the feelings are there, then to not shut it out. Ughhhhh.
I've always been the advice giver to my friends in relationships. And now I'm stuck, I've never met anyone who has gone through this and I don't know what to do.
You have really gotten yourself into a mess.
Here is what NEEDS to happen, from someone who has been there and did exactly what you're fantasizing about doing. You NEED to cut all contact with him TODAY. It can hurt a little bit now or a WHOLE LOT later. Just pretend you are the GF in this scenario and imagine your BF doing exactly the same thing with someone else. It's not cool. And it's NOT love.
But you probably won't cut all contact because it feels too good to get this kind of attention. And now that you are used to getting this tingly rush from his constant contact and compliments, it would be like quitting cigarettes cold turkey.
If you're a mature enough person, however, you will realize that you both are maintaining this pen-pal addiction for the wrong reasons. Despite all the long texting sessions, you don't really know each other. When you see each other, it will be super awkward because you will realize that you've only spent a little bit of time over one weekend together. So you will be standing there looking at this stranger, someone else's boyfriend, who you've said all this embarrassing stuff to.
Get a grip and do this the right way. Tell him that you are very confused and that you feel like the way this has gone is not good for you. Make him do the right thing too by choosing. And don't fall for any emotional manipulation where he tries to romanticize this very unromantic situation.
Oy - all of the justifications in this OP make my head hurt.
Bottom line: He is acting inappropriately with you and despite the fact that you know he has a girlfriend, you decide it is okay to feed your own ego first as opposed to realizing that women are on the. SAME. TEAM. That doesn't "just happen." I've made my way through 29 years of life without cheating with an attached man, but I just feel women should support each other, encourage each other, and realize it's not a competition. I've had many relationships, but none of them started out with sneaking behind another girl's back.
Look, it sounds to me like he has his real life with his girlfriend and his fantasy online life with you. How can she compare to a fantasy someone has built in his head? And how can YOU in reality compare to that fantasy in his head?
You're also romanticizing the situation. You stated - "our feelings are only going to grow stronger if you try to deny this." Really?! How stupidly perfect is that? --
UM. HOW PERFECTLY STUPID. and you fell for that. hook. line. sinker.
My advice to you: Delete him from all social media. Don't talk to him. Find your own boyfriend at your own college.
You say you understand what you're doing is wrong...but....you're still doing it.
This is what's real:
You're living in a fantasy. You're too blinded by your feelings for him to see reality. If this guy really honestly and truly wanted to be with you....he would be. He still has a gf and it's more than obvious he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. You should've cut off all contact when you found out he was in a relationship. In all honesty, the minute you started to develop feelings for him, is when it was too late for you to put an end to it without too much emotional distress.
I know, I know - this is the biggest disgrace in girl world, but it happens. And never did I ever think I would be "that girl" or "the other girl". But it's happened.
Over a year ago, in the summer, I met this (single) guy through mutual friends. Handsome, sweet, funny. As we flirted all weekend, we continued to keep in touch through texting once he went back home.
There are no friends in war and love. His girlfriend ain't a light post, she can move on. Do what is good for you. If you two want to have a relationship, go for it.
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You know what to do.
"Somehow"? One of you had to start it up again....
