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After a lot of thinking and reading that I've done lately in trying to understand my marriage, it looks like what actually happened was that I fell out of love with my husband, and it started happening about 1-1.5 years ago, when I was not longer feeling treated like a lover/romantic partner, and instead I was getting just a friendly roommate treatment.
Many have told me to go to counseling and try to work it out to save my marriage. Some have suggested that with counseling and communication it is possible to rekindle the flame in a marriage and bring happiness back. I want to ask everybody here, did that actually happen to anyone in real life, or is this idea of rekindling just a bunch of BS meant to make counselors more money and meant to reduce the guilt of quitting without trying?
I've tried to understand my husband for a while too. When we met and he asked why I broke up with my ex, I told him that my ex got lazy after he became officially my BF and I lost interest. I told him that if I don't feel wanted I detach myself emotionally. When we were dating he was perfect; after a year of marriage he started progressively relaxing, and it's been a while since he has not put any effort in keeping love burning. At this point I know that is how he is, naturally. He just pretended to be active and assertive when we were dating, as he was hoping to "catch" me. Now I know that for him to continue to be that way would be against his comfortable nature; If I tell him I want divorce, he may try for a couple of weeks or even months, and then I suspect he'll get lazy again.
Marriage vows are worthless to me (I came to realize promising you'll have a certain feeling forever is naive - people change or stop pretending), and I don't feel guilty divorcing. What is the chance that rekindling passion and keeping it fueled forever is realistic, with therapy? My intuition tells me you can't beat someone's nature, even with therapy; you may just encourage them to pretend for a little longer.
Have you actually TALKED to him about any of this in the week since you first asked???
Didn't talk to him yet. I don't like to do/say anything dramatic without giving it a lot of thought. I've given myself time to think about it, to wait for the PMS time to be over (I tend to over-react then), to study it from different perspectives, to take another look at my husband and see if maybe he is showing the care/attention I crave but I was not noticing it. I don't like to worry people with my thoughts/feelings unless I am 100% sure of them. It's been a while now and my feelings have not changed. Also, I am not seeing the guy at work that I though I was attracted to, which means the problem was not me falling for someone else; it was indeed a void I was feeling and that is still there.
So now I am trying to gather my thoughts so that I can start the conversation. I've had this talk a while ago and it did not result in any permanent changes at that time. So this time I am trying to decide whether I should give my husband the chance to act attentive again (I expect he'll pretend for a little longer and then fall back to the lazy routine), or if I should honestly tell him that I am not very hopeful about the future and actually start the divorce talk.
That's why I want to know if rekindling the love flame and keep it running permanently is realistic. If it ever happened before. Because if this is all BS, I might as well save him and me some time and just cut it right here. Life is too short to live with unrealistic hopes.
I nearly wish I could hook you up with my ex, or we could like swap 'em out or something. (Sort of kidding there.) I'm the kind to get lazy and comfortable eventually, he is the kind who wants burning need and want to just blaze away forever.
I do not think you're going to get anything to change in any meaningful way. People, at their core, are who they are. If this is his nature...it just is. The question you've got to ask yourself is specifically (and you might write this stuff down) what needs do I have that are not being met. Not vague emotional stuff like "I don't feel wanted" but particulars. What behaviors are making you feel that way. Then consider what you think his needs are, and whether you believe that you are meeting them. Usually if one person isn't having their needs met, odds are good the other one isn't either in some way. We just tend to focus on ourselves.
Then you need to make some choices, with his participation and discussion.
Can you live with him as he is, NOT as a man you wish he would be or would like him to become? Is it worth it? (You don't have kids, do you? That can make a huge difference. I agree that with no kids in the picture, a marriage on its own is subjective to the beliefs of those involved.)
Would some kind of change...not to his nature or yours, but for instance, a poly or open marriage...help the situation, and if so, would it be something you could consider? Not everyone can do this. But for some, it is the answer. Often when they really do love each other, but cannot meet one another's needs, for instance.
If neither of these apply, then divorce is probably the answer. At which point you have to start considering logistics. Employment, income, housing, division of assets...how do you see all of this going? Do you think you can cooperate, or will it be a fight?
The one thing that you absolutely should NOT consider as an option, is staying with him contingent upon him changing in major and permanent ways. He is who he is. You are who you are. How would you feel if your partner told you that your personality wasn't pleasing to them, and they were gonna need you to change that, mmkay? Thanks... No one wants that. It's not cool. And frankly, he isn't really doing anything wrong by being lazy in the relationship, it's just wrong FOR YOU. With another partner who is as laid back as he is, he'd be just fine. If you need ongoing passion, don't expect it from him.
It can only work if BOTH of you WANT to make it work and STICK with making an EFFORT.
Doesn't seem like he is on board with that.
Right now you are holding on to a fantasy. He shows you his real colors every day and you are holding on to how it was in the beginning, where he faked to be what you wanted.
He is not the active and assertive guy you wanted and he pretended to be for a while. For reals he is the lazy video game addict who doesnt give a crap if you are happy or not.
...to take another look at my husband and see if maybe he is showing the care/attention I crave but I was not noticing it.
It's clear that you are not giving 100% either, based on the many different ways you've said it here. ONE OF YOU is going to have to fire the first shot, and talking about it doesn't count. You have to SHOW your love.
That's what finally worked for me. I behaved my way into believing. In the midst of all my internal lamenting of the lack of fireworks and romance from my husband, I realized that I was not even doing for him what I wanted him to be doing for me.
So any time I had a mopey, "woe is me and my lackluster marriage" moment, I stopped and did something for him. I turned my focus from myself to him, and that is what "saved" our marriage. I came to understand what a hypocrite I was being.
So I stopped doing that, and he responded in kind. Surprise! He had been feeling neglected and unappreciated for a long time, too, and he stopped trying because, well, apparently some men can only take so much rejection. And rejection doesn't have to be physical. Husbands can tell when you just aren't into them at any given moment.
Like I said before, marriage is not a magic spell. It's a choice.
Video game addict- possibly, but it's not true that he doesn't give a crap if I am happy. He just wishes I was happy the way he is. I think to him this marriage is perfect- he gets to lay around, play games, surf the net, eat, do house work when he wants, and I am in the neighborhood if he feels like getting a hug or grabbing a boob. I am also pretty self-sufficient socially; I hang out a lot with my friends, so I meet my friendship/social needs elsewhere and don't have to bother him. And despite feeling resentful inside, I can control my actions very well, to the point that his family thinks I am the perfect wife - i do everything around the house; don't embarrass him, don't nag him, I can act happy when I am not, I don't cheat or flirt with other men (even though I want to). He just wishes I were happy this way, cause he is.
Sorry for so much whining. Talking to strangers is the only place I can be truthful about how I actually feel. I appreciate the opportunity to vent, and to learn about what others go through.
The first problem is the Western myth that there is supposed to be some undying everlasting overwhelming emotional wave that two lovers will ride forever, and that without it a marriage cannot and should not exist.
That is and has always been balderdash. That's all a matter of hormones and wishful thinking that can't possibly last more than a three to five years.
People in societies that practice arranged marriages know that a marriage is two people agreeing to have each other's back, to work through life together, to share events together, and to keep company together. If they develop that "overwhelming emotional wave," that's fine...but that's not what marriage is about.
The truth is that all people change. People always change. Whoever you may be today, you will be different in five years, ten years, twenty years. Whoever you marry today, however compatible he seems today, he will be a different person in five years, ten years, twenty years.
So even if you married for compatibility and "love"--that emotional wave--the inevitable fact is that at some point in the future, you will find yourself in precisely the same position as an arranged marriage: Legally bound to a person you did not originally choose to marry.
Since change is inevitable, if a young married couple is very, very smart, they will make the continuous deliberate effort to change together. They will constantly say, "Let's try this new thing, let's go to this new place, let's have this new experience," each will always include the other in every new thing, and will pursue only those new things that delight both of them.
If, though, they're like most of us, change will catch us by surprise and we will wake up wondering who the heck that is sleeping next to us. Then, like a couple in an arranged marriage, we will have to just decide the marriage is worth getting to know one another again. We will realize that having a good, faithful, deep friend who will always have your back is more important than flitting from one false wave of emotion to another.
One of the most entertaining examples of how a marriage should work is in the last minutes of "Mr and Mrs Smith." They can't dance together, but when Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are attacked by an army of assassins attempting to destroy them, they move in perfect harmony, defending each other's back in perfect choreography, even counting each other's shots and tossing extra magazines at the moment needed.
Nope. Once I lose it, it's pretty much gone. And it's for that reason that I've not married or started a family.. I know too many miserable people who coupled up and jumped the gun.
It's clear that you are not giving 100% either
I behaved my way into believing.
Can you please give specific examples of what I should be doing? I take care of how I look; I dress sexy and I tried being flirty with him but got dismissed several times; I threw him surprise birthday parties (he never did one for me); I offered to give him massages- he said he doesn't want it (I felt rejected); I tried to initiate sex - he told me he's not in the mood (I felt rejected); I asked him about his day; I told him that he did a good job and praise him around his friends. What else am I missing? To me it seems that he just wants to be left alone until he needs some interaction- then he comes finds me, cause I am always there.
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