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Video game addict- possibly, but it's not true that he doesn't give a crap if I am happy. He just wishes I was happy the way he is. I think to him this marriage is perfect- he gets to lay around, play games, surf the net, eat, do house work when he wants, and I am in the neighborhood if he feels like getting a hug or grabbing a boob. I am also pretty self-sufficient socially; I hang out a lot with my friends, so I meet my friendship/social needs elsewhere and don't have to bother him. And despite feeling resentful inside, I can control my actions very well, to the point that his family thinks I am the perfect wife - i do everything around the house; don't embarrass him, don't nag him, I can act happy when I am not, I don't cheat or flirt with other men (even though I want to). He just wishes I were happy this way, cause he is.
Sorry for so much whining. Talking to strangers is the only place I can be truthful about how I actually feel. I appreciate the opportunity to vent, and to learn about what others go through.
Of course he wants you to be happy but he doesn't go out of his way to be attentive. He thinks that living under the same roof is enough to make a marriage work. He doesn't put any effort in to make you happy. He doesn't participate in the marriage. Which is the same as he doesn't give a crap.
I can see you are not there yet to give up. I am guessing in a year you will see reality. You will break up with him and he wonders why because everything seemed so perfect. You will be heart broken and he just is sad that he gets no more warm meals served.
Can you please give specific examples of what I should be doing? I take care of how I look; I dress sexy and I tried being flirty with him but got dismissed several times; I threw him surprise birthday parties (he never did one for me); I offered to give him massages- he said he doesn't want it (I felt rejected); I tried to initiate sex - he told me he's not in the mood (I felt rejected); I asked him about his day; I told him that he did a good job and praise him around his friends. What else am I missing? To me it seems that he just wants to be left alone until he needs some interaction- then he comes finds me, cause I am always there.
If you are satisfied that you have done every single thing you can on a daily basis (not special occasions or when you think about it) to make your marriage work and he absolutely is not doing the same, then why are you still there???
If you really don't believe in the marriage vows, you should not be married. It's simple.
If you really don't believe in the marriage vows, you should not be married. It's simple.
Thank you! I've learned from experience by now. I got married when I was 24 and I am usually willing to take chances; at that time the prospectives looked good- marrying was a risk worth taking; and the vows- I thought since everyone takes them they must be a valid thing. Turns out most of us are self-deceiving fools. Now I know what it's all about. Not doing it again.
Thank you! I've learned from experience by now. I got married when I was 24 and I am usually willing to take chances; at that time the prospectives looked good- marrying was a risk worth taking; and the vows- I thought since everyone takes them they must be a valid thing. Turns out most of us are self-deceiving fools. Now I know what it's all about. Not doing it again.
Thank you! I've learned from experience by now. I got married when I was 24 and I am usually willing to take chances; at that time the prospectives looked good- marrying was a risk worth taking; and the vows- I thought since everyone takes them they must be a valid thing. Turns out most of us are self-deceiving fools. Now I know what it's all about. Not doing it again.
Don't thank me. I don't agree with half the melodramatic crap you post here. But at least you're finally starting to be honest with yourself.
Marriage vows ARE a valid thing. Whether or not you are able to keep them is on you.
I guess you're going to tell your husband all this tonight?
OP, please try to refrain from attempting to draw parallels between yourself and everyone else. Everyone else is not you. You are not us.
It seems to me that you are looking for validation and reinforcement for something that you already know, and have already decided, but just aren't ready to actually act on yet. Maybe you have reasons for your delay, and maybe not. While venting is something people need to do sometimes, when you know deep down how you feel and what you're likely to do about it, seeking confirmation from strangers isn't really necessary.
Though I get it, if you just need a "safe" feeling place to share. That might be a chick thing, I need that sometimes, too, and sometimes I've come here for it. Sometimes I get the affirmation I was looking for, and occasionally I get blasted in the face by those with differing views, but it does help me think.
Also, I have to say...marriage, in my opinion, isn't this concrete structure that IS what it IS universally for all. We all know the set of rights and obligations it entails and everything, but like most social constructs, beliefs, symbols, and ideologies, it is only as powerful as the belief that the participants have in it. It means whatever you make it mean. No more and no less. For me, my marriage in and of itself meant nothing much. I was functionally married but not legally for 10 years to him, and we had two sons, and it was the same before and after the vows. Now it's over but we're not legally divorced yet...however, we are "un-married." Our intent is more powerful in terms of certain feelings and actions, if not legal rights/obligations, than the piece of paper. What made it binding to me personally, was always the kids. That made the difference between a gf/bf or "couple"...and a FAMILY. If you don't have kids, you better make sure you don't get pregnant if you do not mean to stay with this man. Right now you can pretty much walk and it's not THAT big a deal. You have kids...it might add years to your sentence.
Then why are you talking to us? Go to the source, than check with us, the veritable fountains of internet wisdom. I believe you have an immature view of marriage. Sure, marriage becomes old hat. You have to be willing to stay with the person after it becomes stale and boring. Because it will. Marriage doesn't stay exciting forever. After 1000 sex sessions with the same old tired piece of, well, you know, it becomes routine. You learn to respect and love your partner for his wonderful qualities and not the shooting stars and fireworks you both had in the beginning, or you "just get divorced," which is an exceptionally shallow, poor reason for ending a marriage.
After a lot of thinking and reading that I've done lately in trying to understand my marriage, it looks like what actually happened was that I fell out of love with my husband, and it started happening about 1-1.5 years ago, when I was not longer feeling treated like a lover/romantic partner, and instead I was getting just a friendly roommate treatment.
Many have told me to go to counseling and try to work it out to save my marriage. Some have suggested that with counseling and communication it is possible to rekindle the flame in a marriage and bring happiness back. I want to ask everybody here, did that actually happen to anyone in real life, or is this idea of rekindling just a bunch of BS meant to make counselors more money and meant to reduce the guilt of quitting without trying?
I've tried to understand my husband for a while too. When we met and he asked why I broke up with my ex, I told him that my ex got lazy after he became officially my BF and I lost interest. I told him that if I don't feel wanted I detach myself emotionally. When we were dating he was perfect; after a year of marriage he started progressively relaxing, and it's been a while since he has not put any effort in keeping love burning. At this point I know that is how he is, naturally. He just pretended to be active and assertive when we were dating, as he was hoping to "catch" me. Now I know that for him to continue to be that way would be against his comfortable nature; If I tell him I want divorce, he may try for a couple of weeks or even months, and then I suspect he'll get lazy again.
Marriage vows are worthless to me (I came to realize promising you'll have a certain feeling forever is naive - people change or stop pretending), and I don't feel guilty divorcing. What is the chance that rekindling passion and keeping it fueled forever is realistic, with therapy? My intuition tells me you can't beat someone's nature, even with therapy; you may just encourage them to pretend for a little longer.
Thanks for any shared experience.
I don't think people "fall out of love" unless something causes it- but it doesn't seem that's what the post is all about. It seems there are more people these days who actually believe the "honeymoon-glow phase" is supposed to last forever, but that viewpoint is neither realistic nor mature. While "people" may or may not change, relationships do- and the so-called honeymoon phase is just a phase that isn't meant to last forever. Expecting to have specific feelings for the rest of your life is like asking for disappointment.
As for the "rekindling" you mentioned- I'm sure a lot of counselors do exploit this, but depending on the counselor and his/her approach it could be useful in terms of improving communication between the partners, adding a bit of romance, etc.
I know I've posted this before, and possibly on YOUR thread already:
Most people get married believing a myth that marriage is beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for; Companionship, intimacy, friendship etc ... The truth is, that marriage at the start is an empty box, you must put something in before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage, love is in people, and people put love in marriage. There is no romance in marriage, you have to infuse it into your marriage. A couple must learn the art, and form the habit of giving, loving, serving, praising, of keeping the box full. If you take out more than you put in, the box will be empty.Unknown
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