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I wish if guys didn't want to get married they would just say so instead of acting like wellll....maybe, let's think of it later. If my very serious significant other was about to get booted out of the country, then I would definitely marry them asap. If the thought of marriage is worse to him than being separated because you have to leave the country then that says it all right there IMO.
If it were me, I'd pack up shop and move back home, if he wants you, he'll come after you. If he doesn't, well, then you know the score. I most certainly would not have quit the job that was sponsoring my visa prior to getting married, but that horse is out of the barn now, and miles down the road.
If it were me, I'd pack up shop and move back home, if he wants you, he'll come after you. If he doesn't, well, then you know the score.
Yes. That's what I emphasize in another thread. But apparently it's a form of coercion. LOL. How is it a form of coercion when you left because they don't want what you want from them? So why stay? Like really? To waste MY time? Not me! Uh -uh.
Besides, most men or women, don't know what they got 'til it's gone anyway.
Husband changed his mind about important things - Selfish?
Hi,
I'm at a point where I'm doubting my relationship more than ever and I need your advice. My husband and I (31, 28) got married just two months ago. My husband has always told me that he thinks marriage isn't necessary to be together forever and that he doesn't see the point of it. I accepted his point of view because he told me that he wouldn't mind being married to me and we can have a wedding if I want. We got married in the courthouse just the two of us, because of legal reasons. Back then he told me that we'd 'definitely have a party next year for friends and family'. He even seemed to be a bit excited about it.
Since then, he hasn't brought it up again and when I tried to, he just didn't give me an answer or changed topic. He even didn't tell anyone that we got married, except of his parents (he kind of had to because we needed them to run an errand concerning the marriage certificate). I asked him if he doesn't want to tell his friends and he said he doesn't see the point of telling people. On top of that, in the last couple of months he always started to get super uncomfortable when any topic about having a baby in the future came up, doesn't matter if from my side or from friends.
Last night, we had a big fight. I confronted him about the party we were going to plan, and that I hate that he doesn't want to tell people we got married. We often hang out with his friends, and I feel like I have to lie to them about marriage (they ask us sometimes if we're planning to get married), because my husband hasn't told them anything. Even in those situations when they ask something and he could say 'Actually we got married' or 'Actually we'll have our wedding next year' he just sits there and doesn't say anything. He gor angry after I asked him sbout it, saying that to me, everything is always bad (which isn't true at all, I'm super happy, smiley and supoorting him most of the time) and that he still thinks marriage is unnecessary and that he still isn't planning to tell anyone because that's just how he is. He also added that he doesn't want a party anymore, that that would also be totally unnecessary. He also then said that he thinks he never wants children, which shocked me even more. He always said he wants children one day, we even bought an apartment with two additional bedrooms last year, and now, at 31, he seems like he changed his mind. He knows i don't want kids in the next 4-5 years, but that doesn't change his mind. He says in 5 years he's still too young for kids (he would be 36) and that probably he will never want any, that he just changed his mind about it.
I don't know what to do or to think. I feel like everything is about what he wants. I also moved to his city years ago to be with him, giving up job opporunities and my friends in my own city, and he says he wouldn't even consider to move somewhere else. I'm not super happy where we live, and even though I wouldn't expect him to quit his job and move somewhere else instantly, I would at least expect him to consider moving somewhere else in the future , but he just doesn't. He never even asked me what I want, the topic was just over. And now with him and the marriage stuff, not wanting to tell people and suddenly not wanting a party anymore, and suddenly not wanting kids anymore.. I don't know how much I can take. My whole life cannot be a compromise, and he doesn't get any of this.
I'd be grateful for any advice. What should I think about this and what would you do?
As far as the whole marriage thing goes, He doesn't value marriage. he told you how he feels about it and why he bothered to do so with you
He got marred to make "you" feel happy and "legal" reasons.
This should have been your first punch in the face that this probably isn't the right person to be pursuing a legal union with "for love"
Your marriage from the onset was a compromise.
he compromised his true belief to focus on yours and you sacrificed your beliefs to make room for his.
Compromise is a great tool to use in times of conflict, but not on the very foundation and your whole reason for being together wih someone. The foundation IS your reason for being a married couple and sets the direction your realtionship will go forward on.
you cannot compromise this aspect and hope to be headed on the same path
Your marriage is nothing but compromise becuase that was always what your realtionship was based around.
Last edited by rego00123; 11-24-2015 at 12:19 PM..
Reason: Phone corrections
Honestly, it sounds like a bad situation all together. As much as I hate to say this, I would be less than honest if I didn't. If I were in your same shoes, I'd leave since it's only been two months. At two months you might be able to get it annulled instead of doing the whole divorce thing (not sure of the rules to be honest). But even a no fault, do-it-your-self divorce would be better than staying married to a person who doesn't share your views on life, marriage, and family (these are all the very basics that go into a marriage).
The party isn't my main concern, it's the kids issue. That's a pretty major thing than can haunt you the rest of your life if it's something you want and now he doesn't. If you both agreed to have kids and now he's changed his mind, there isn't much you can do about it. You might end up wasting years with him, hoping he changes his mind until you get to the point where you can't have kids anymore. Then the resentment sets in and divorce is liable to happen anyway.
Last night, we had a big fight. I confronted him about the party we were going to plan, and that I hate that he doesn't want to tell people we got married. We often hang out with his friends, and I feel like I have to lie to them about marriage (they ask us sometimes if we're planning to get married), because my husband hasn't told them anything. Even in those situations when they ask something and he could say 'Actually we got married' or 'Actually we'll have our wedding next year' he just sits there and doesn't say anything. He gor angry after I asked him sbout it, saying that to me, everything is always bad (which isn't true at all, I'm super happy, smiley and supoorting him most of the time) and that he still thinks marriage is unnecessary and that he still isn't planning to tell anyone because that's just how he is. He also added that he doesn't want a party anymore, that that would also be totally unnecessary. He also then said that he thinks he never wants children, which shocked me even more. He always said he wants children one day, we even bought an apartment with two additional bedrooms last year, and now, at 31, he seems like he changed his mind. He knows i don't want kids in the next 4-5 years, but that doesn't change his mind. He says in 5 years he's still too young for kids (he would be 36) and that probably he will never want any, that he just changed his mind about it.
I'd be grateful for any advice. What should I think about this and what would you do?
Thanks.
Re: the bolded--what stopped you from chirping happily, "Actually, we did get married just a couple of weeks/months ago! We kind of eloped, because we didn't want to stress out with a big deal of a wedding, reception, etc." The next time someone asks you two when you're going to get married, I recommend you share the happy news. Or....the theoretically happy news.
However, this doesn't sound like a great guy. Do you feel like he's a different guy than who you fell in love with before? Why is he so angry, and so negative? Do you feel like a bait-and-switch was pulled on you? He doesn't sound like the kind of guy I'd want to be tied to for the rest of my life. You might make an appointment with a lawyer, just to see if you can get an annulment, and what it would involve. Just for your own info.
Something seems fishy about this whole thing. You could tell him you're looking at stationery for wedding/marriage announcements, so you can let all your friends and relatives know the happy news (be upbeat about this), and are wondering if there's anyone he'd like to add to the mailing list. Just to see how he reacts. When you discuss these things, keep him on-topic. It sounds like he derails the discussion by making irrelevant accusations. Stay calm, and to the point. If he refuses to discuss these important issues, or throws a tantrum, suggest marriage counseling. If he refuses counseling, you only have one way out--annulment or divorce.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 11-24-2015 at 11:57 AM..
You pushed for a marriage because your visa was expiring, which is no reason to get married.
Red flags were already up for this relationship, but you ignored them.
You got what you wanted, but you are still - and will continue to be - unhappy.
You pushed for a marriage because your visa was expiring, which is no reason to get married.
Red flags were already up for this relationship, but you ignored them.
You got what you wanted, but you are still - and will continue to be - unhappy.
What country are you in?
Oh, this is THAT situation? They were in Argentina, weren't they?
So you got the visa status you wanted, OP. If you annul or divorce, you're back to Square One, visa-wise. Check the immigration laws in your country of residence to see how long you have to stay married before you can divorce without authorities treating the marriage as one of convenience (and initiating court proceedings against both of you). You've really got yourself in a mess, now.
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Uh -uh.
Husband changed his mind about important things - Selfish?
