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Wife and I married a month ago. She has 3 kids from a previous marriage. Last week she went into a rage at the kids for leaving the remote control on the floor. She was screaming at the top of her lungs and swearing. The next day she did the same thing over the kids leaving bikes in the yard. The kids were terrified during both episodes and came running to me for safety. 3 days ago she and I were in the kitchen talking about money and she gets up throws a plate across the room smashing it and storms out. Again the kids got scared.
This was too much for me so I packed a bag and left. Did I do the right thing? She wants me to come back and says she's very sorry and wants to talk. Please help me with what to do.
Where was all this out-of-control anger when you two were dating? How long was your engagement? Did you live together during the engagement?
Those kids need you. But you don't need all that anger. One option is to tell her you'll consider coming back AFTER she starts attending anger management classes, and possibly therapy sessions, as well.
Or....not. Do you love her? How do you feel right now about her and the marriage?
1. It's a shame that there was no indication of violent and/or erratic behavior during the relationship/engagement period prior to the marriage. At least, I have to assume there wasn't.
2. The appropriate action would have been to ensure the children's safety, versus simply leaving, as a stepparent, so I hope that was done. Leaving children in a potential DV situation was not the best move.
Where was all this out-of-control anger when you two were dating? How long was your engagement? Did you live together during the engagement?
Those kids need you. But you don't need all that anger. One option is to tell her you'll consider coming back AFTER she starts attending anger management classes, and possibly therapy sessions, as well.
Or....not. Do you love her? How do you feel right now about her and the marriage?
Thank you so much for your reply. To answer your questions, I've known her for a long time but didn't reconnect with her until 6 months ago when we started dating. We never lived together but I was around the kids a bit. Everything seemed fine. Other than some nasty exchanges between she and her 10 year old daughter I didn't see any real hostility.
I love her dearly. I hate being away from her intensely. Packing a bag and leaving was so hard for me. I never want her to feel that our marriage is disposable. But I've seen hostility like this tear families apart. My dad was a very hostile and violent man and I never want to live in a home like that again.
Should I go back to her tonight? I really miss her so much and don't want her to think that I give up easily and that I don't care about her.
It all depends on how attached you are to the children.
She sounds like a train wreck. And that you -- personally, individually -- would be better off without her (understatement)
If you have, however, been with the family for long enough to have come to be "the" father figure, it gets more complicated.
You could simply file for divorce, never look back, and anonymously call child welfare to look in on the children (throwing plates IS violence).
If you feel, in your heart of hearts like an actual father to the children, you would do well to get into family counselling.
Right now a divorce attorney, and you getting into some one on one goal based counselling with a licensed family counsellor are who you need to be talking with.
We don't know what you want. Maybe you don't either right now. Enlist professional guides to lay out your options: Lawyer. Counsellor. In that order.
I agree. Now that he left, she will probably go crazy on the kids even more
No, I don't believe this. She's under a lot of stress right now. So much on her plate. We've moved into a new house, she's swamped at work and the house is in a lot of disarray due to moving. I just don't think she knows how to handle it all.
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