I do not want to be surrogate! (how to, married, husband)
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It was trigger last night that my husband told me that don't you think you are a surrogate to Mary (his niece). I'm not her role and I'm not her mother. I even do not want to be...
But somehow he puts me like that. I really do not care since my husband refused to have our child.
Mary's mother abandon her. Her grandma and her father raised her. But financially they could not afford her collage tuitions. So we paid tuitions and student loans.
I was ok up to the point even sometimes I was question myself. My husband dose not want to have any child/den because he dose not want to have any responsibilities. Well, I wanted to have OUR baby but we had a big fight that if I keep wanting a baby, divorce and have my own.
I gave up to have one. But my bottom of my heart still struggle even I will never have one. Anyway, each time his niece needs to do something we financially support. They sent her 2months to us while school is off. I had to take care during day. But reality we decided to not to have any, I should not have summer monster in my house. But somehow they sent her to our house our budget.
Now she graduated college. I though our part is done. No more financially and mentally. But last night he asked me to give $10,000 to his brother. So if niece wants to have wedding, he can pay.
Somehow it's snapped me. Why I have sacrificed? He dose not want any kids and I did not agree but I accepted. Now he want to give more money? Give me a break.
Now my bottom of my heart is telling, if he let me become mother... He didn't. So I do not need to worry about someone's parents worry. Even she is niece.
I know I'm selfish. But why not... I just do not know what is the best for me any more. I can't have a baby any more. Which I accepted. But if he keep doing to niece, I won't support.
I do not wan to end our relationship but this is a time to think... Place please give me and advice, suggestion. I'm getting tired...
I think you have two separate issues...you've never forgiven your husband for not wanting a child. AND you have annoying niece. None of this is her fault. In your husband's family, they have a culture of helping each other out financially.
You need to separate these two issues in your mind and heart and act on each one appropriately.
I'd say the two separate issues are having nominally accepted not being able to have a biological family with the person she married, but not being okay with that, and the fact that the husband keeps electing to supply large sums money to people in his family against her wishes.
I'm also curious about what, if any, cultural issues are at play, here.
Thanks all for replys. Well, I'm not mail order bride. But I'm foreigner. He is American.
I know two separate issues that I have. His niece was nothing to do with. I really know that. But it's always trigger to me. And this is all about his attitudes are problems.
He's always saying that don't you give her life like I had when you were same age? My parents gave me educations, travel experiences in the world, sent me US for school and let me do what I like to do. I know my parents sacrificed a lot to raise 3 daughters.
I probably could not give all if I have child/ren like they gave to me. He probably think same way. I blamed him not to have our child but I knid understand. Still hurt though... Anyway...
So our life is without child/ren, now he wants to give like my life to someone's child? We are not her parents. I'm not her mother. I'm not her surrogate. All my experience that I have was my parents gave to me. Not someone else.
But somehow he think he can give her like I had. But dose not any make sense to me. Because He gave up not to deal with any responsibilities to our child long time ago. Now he wants to involve? I can't accept it.
Without this issue, we are good couple. But once this is comes up, we are 180 degree different. And he try to protect her and he against me. He thinks I refuse to give her life like I had.
But again, she is just a niece. It's not my child. I care but not the much like parents do.
I gave her education which will provide better life. I believe that why my parents sent me US/Europe to see the world to have education and experience.
So I thought i gave her education. After that she is on her way. But now he wants to give her more? Why We have to? Especially for wedding money to brother? I know his brother can't afford it. If can't afford it, you need to learn how to save money. Money dose not come from anywhere.
I probably do not understand why he wants to obligate so much to his family? I gave her education. But bottom line was his mother (grandmo)'s wish is strong to send her school. So he put effort to put money in. During 4years, he always told me we do not have money. We have to same money for our retirement. But save for our retirement is just a scape goat. He needed money to paid off her tuition and loans before she graduates. Because after she graduates, loans interest will kicks in. He dose not want her to have a big debt.
So I sacrificed and now I have to sacrifice more for her wedding budget? If our child need it, I do not mind any sacrifice like my parents did it for me. But she is not our child why do I have to do that?
It could be again. His mother's word. She may talk her concer about granddauhgter's wedding budget. Now here you are, he wants to make sure to success her wish like tuitions and loans.
If so, in a further, niece won't ask money but grandma concerns herbaby birth, hospitalize, lost a job what ever... Do we have to support her again?
He can't fail mother's words. That's all his world I guess. He never say no or can't to her.
So since Non of his family member can't afford, we the only one probably can. But we have to use our retirement funds. So here is my dilemma, we have enough retirement saving. But he always says we need to save more money for retirement. Althoguh the money we save goes to her, why should we save more. Why can't we have a little luxury life now? We can't take money to heaven.
Anyway, first post was I do not want to be a surrogate. But the reality is not surrogate. Anything related his niece make me upset because I do not need to deal with child issues since I do not have child. But he puts me the situations always. If I want to face these situations, I rather face to our child not someone else. That's why I'm so upset.
Well, I'm not sure what I will do now. But at lease I know why I'm so upset. Thank you for letting me write her. I clear mind now to think more. I will come back if any other issue occurs or if any progress of this issue. Thanks.
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