Why is 'cheating' such a big deal to the average person? (wives, married)

[mishigas73]

Originally Posted by el_marto

And for some additional information, I'm in a long distance relationship that became 'open' a couple of months ago, and my girfriend did have sex with someone else, and no, I'm not affected by knowing that. After she did that I also had sex with someone else, but that did bother her.

So, you're able to have an open relationship, and she's not. This isn't uncommon.

Originally Posted by el_marto

I suppose what I'm really asking is, why is that exclusivity so important to people?

I would say that it's very important to some people. I am wired monogamous, and would only be with someone who was wired the same way. The thought of him being with someone else, whether with my knowledge or not, makes me physically ill. Hence, I would never entertain the thought of an open or poly relationship.

I couldn't tell you why I feel this way. It's something that just IS. It's not good or bad- it just requires finding someone with the same views.

[blondiel]

Every person has a right to the type of relationship of his/her choice. If you are good with both you and your SO having multiple sex partners, that is your choice and there is nothing wrong with your relationship. It doesn't really matter what matters to the average person; all that really matters is what matters to the people in the relationship.

[KKay9]

Sounds like you are comfortable with an "open" relationship, but your girlfriend is not. Neither one of you is right, just different priorities in a relationship and you may need to find someone else if having sex with others is important to you.

IMO, "cheating" doesn't really have anything to do with sex itself, it's dishonesty that defines it. People can "cheat" without ever having sex by becoming emotionally/romantically involved with another behind their partner's back.

If you are in an open relationship that both parties are in agreement on, it's not "cheating". If someone is sleeping (or becoming emtionally involved) with another without their partner's knowledge, that's "cheating". No one likes to be deceived, so no one likes being cheated on.

Whether you agree with it or not, the default assumption for most people regarding marriage, or long term relationships, is that they are exlusive and monogamous, so their partner being with someone else is dishonest or a breach of an implicit promise. If you want to negotiate something different, be very clear about it up front, to avoid being accused of cheating.

[Adhom]

Originally Posted by el_marto

I've always thought this, even after a childhood where my father cheated on my mother repeatedly before finally leaving her for good.

Most people are born with the natural instinct to trust. Kids implicitly trust everyone unless given a reason not to. You sound like you grew up in a household with no trust, as far as the relationship between your mother and father. Obviously if this is what you were subject to from an early age, you'll have a hard time understanding why cheating is bad.

[hawaiiancoconut]

Originally Posted by el_marto

I mean, I'd prefer my partner not to 'cheat' but the only thing I'd be mad about is the possibility of being unknowlingly exposed to some sexual disease.

So, it does bother you (because the possibility of being exposed to STD"s) will always be there when another partner is unfaithful, so I don't know why you're posting all the "it doesn't bother me" nonsense, Lol

[Mindlessness]

It's simple. You make a commitment but you lie and deceive to maintain the committed relationship.

You are mixing up the idea of an open relationship with a committed relationship where the two parties have some sort of understanding they will not have sex with another person.

It's not really "does the act of your SO having sex bother you", it's about lying when you made an agreement.

[bluemoon75]

If you've never been cheated on, you won't truly understand how devastating it is. When you are in a monogamous relationship (open relationships are a whole different ball game), you agreed to be with just one person. When your partner cheats, they've checked out of the relationship without giving you the respect of telling you they no longer want to be with you. No one likes to share, especially without consent.

It is not always about the physical.. it's actually worse when your partner confides and shares an emotional connection with another person. You're basically made useless, without the chance to fix the situation.

[Auraliea]

Every person that I know that has been cheated on describes it as a betrayal and is very painful.

Basically it's your partner saying you're not good enough for them or they aren't in love with you anymore. That hurts.

It completely defeats the purpose of a committed/exclusive relationship. If you don't understand it or if it doesn't bug you....you may want to consider getting into an open relationship.

[jay_jay26]

Cheating on a marriage is a breach of the matrimonial contract. Even on a no fault state a person can sue for breach of contract.


When my first husband was engaged to me, he cheated on me with a girl that was more his physical type (really short an not muscular, the opposite of me). Since I was not married, all I could do was being upset at him. If I had been married, I'd divorced him on the grounds of adultery

[Chowhound]

I think that the OP simply needs to be in an open relationship, that's what I took away from the OP.

In a sense though even in an open relationship as I understand it, there are still "rules" between couples.

I think that is the problem is when someone violates the understanding, what ever that happens to be.