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Cheating IS a big deal. I think people try to justify cheating by acting like oh, the other person wasn't meeting their needs so they had to look elsewhere. If the other person isn't meeting your needs and they aren't willing to work on the relationship, then end the freaking relationship.
That's cause often times, "not meeting their needs" is simply an excuse. It's very often not even the real reason.
Has the OP has ever been in a serious romantic relationship (no offense in the implication)? Cheating is a big deal because:
1.) Man is inherently monogamous(ish) owing to the unique state and development of the human infant.
2.) When you go "all in" you share things about yourself that are private to the core; history, fears, dreams, etc. It is hard if not impossible to expect this to be shared equally/truthfully/properly across all involved parties. This means that you have to stratify, compartmentalize, sequester, etc., which is drama x drama.
3.) There are myriad more practical concerns such as finances, property and stewardship of children. When there are problems here third parties can make claims and otherwise cause inordinate amounts of serious legal problems.
"Open" relationships might "work" for some but I've never seen any that were truly deep and meaningful, and if I'm honest, good.
Because it hurts the person you're with when you go behind their back to have sex with someone else. Also, can catch STDs. Unless someone has some sort of fetish for it, I really don't know how anyone could possibly be okay with their partner getting screwed by someone else.
This is a dumb question. The better question would be : Why don't people just break up instead of cheat? If you want to be with someone else why not just end it with the person instead making them look like an idiot?
That's cause often times, "not meeting their needs" is simply an excuse. It's very often not even the real reason.
The way I see it, there is NO excuse to cheat, ever. In my opinion, alot of people cheat because they have no love for the person they're in a relationship with.
Here is another perspective (which I happen to agree with, but I know many don't). it doesn't hurt to try to view things from a different angle, though:
"Let me turn some ideas around.
For some people sexual faithfulness is the easiest faithfulness to keep, but they betray their partner in many different ways not always less destructive than infidelity. When people stay in a destructive relationship (and they are not imprisoned) it begs to question: Is this an act of fidelity, of faithfulness?
If people are aggressive or fighting with each other, if they’re addicted to each other, if they each have a mountain of judgments that stick their wings to the wall like a butterfly and prevent them from moving, if there is the inversion of their passion that has now taken the place of love, are they still faithful? At that moment we wonder is it fidelity or weakness? A lack of courage? Or is it boldness, audaciousness, or affirmation of oneself? Usually, infidelity is vilified as an evasion of morality and a lack of control of one’s instinct, an egoistic act that doesn’t take into account the established order and that breaks the existing commitment. It’s a flaw. And yet without infidelity nothing would be thrown into question, into movement. No creation of a disorder in order to prepare a new order. We wouldn’t be able to evolve.
Some writers define infidelity as anything that occurs between a married person and someone other than a spouse that lessens the intimacy and increases the emotional distance between the spouses.
But such definition fails to take into account the many other ways that partners can emotionally leave each other.
Infidelity is not only a betrayal or a form of abandonment it can also be an opportunity.
Esther Perel - (she is a therapist, by the way)
- See more at: http://www.estherperel.com/2014/07/is-fidelity-a-virtue-or-a-weakness/#sthash.JMn6E0nN.dpuf"
Here is another perspective (which I happen to agree with, but I know many don't). it doesn't hurt to try to view things from a different angle, though:
"Let me turn some ideas around.
For some people sexual faithfulness is the easiest faithfulness to keep, but they betray their partner in many different ways not always less destructive than infidelity. When people stay in a destructive relationship (and they are not imprisoned) it begs to question: Is this an act of fidelity, of faithfulness?
If people are aggressive or fighting with each other, if they’re addicted to each other, if they each have a mountain of judgments that stick their wings to the wall like a butterfly and prevent them from moving, if there is the inversion of their passion that has now taken the place of love, are they still faithful? At that moment we wonder is it fidelity or weakness? A lack of courage? Or is it boldness, audaciousness, or affirmation of oneself? Usually, infidelity is vilified as an evasion of morality and a lack of control of one’s instinct, an egoistic act that doesn’t take into account the established order and that breaks the existing commitment. It’s a flaw. And yet without infidelity nothing would be thrown into question, into movement. No creation of a disorder in order to prepare a new order. We wouldn’t be able to evolve.
Some writers define infidelity as anything that occurs between a married person and someone other than a spouse that lessens the intimacy and increases the emotional distance between the spouses.
But such definition fails to take into account the many other ways that partners can emotionally leave each other.
Infidelity is not only a betrayal or a form of abandonment it can also be an opportunity.
Esther Perel - (she is a therapist, by the way)
- See more at: http://www.estherperel.com/2014/07/is-fidelity-a-virtue-or-a-weakness/#sthash.JMn6E0nN.dpuf"
It seems like a lot of keystrokes to rationalize why breaking bonds of trust isn't really such a bad thing to do.
Plainly put, what the OP described just isn't cheating. If there is an expectation of monogamy, and there is dishonesty, then it is cheating. If they talked and agreed to see others, it's not. If I am dating, and not having sex with anyone, but everyone knows I'm not committed, just dating around, then there is no cheating going on. If one guy thinks he is my boyfriend, and it's just the two of us, and would be hurt if he knew I was seeing others, so I keep it a secret and do it anyways, then it's cheating even if no sex occurs. Because I am deliberately misleading someone as to the nature of the relationship, I'm doing something that would reasonably hurt them emotionally, and I'm attempting to keep it a secret. THAT IS CHEATING. The key component here is dishonesty. If you care about someone, you should endeavor to be honest with them. It doesn't matter that much how many people or what configuration, what the reasons are, etc.
And yes, beweirdess, sometimes infidelity is the impetus to break a bond that needs to be broken. But it's far more morally correct to break the bond before the infidelity occurs. By the time one cheats, dishonesty about how one feels about the relationship has often already begun to creep in and poison the well. Carrying a secret lays a burden upon the soul. Breaking up is hard, many of us (myself included) are conflict avoiders. But infidelity lays the foundation for a far bigger conflict and it doesn't solve or help anything really, compared to just confronting and dealing with the problem.
As for the OP, that's an open relationship. Not everyone can do that, and I don't think it will ever be "the norm" nor will everyone ever understand it. Fortunately though, society is moving towards at least a mentality that as long as people are consenting adults, what works for one need not be "the norm" in order to be OK. Tolerance. Or as we say in my community, "not my kink." *shrug* Whatever works for you. As for drama, drama is a possibility whenever humans are involved. I've seen some poly/open arrangements explode into a huge drama fest, and others happen, evolve, and dissolve without too much fuss. All depends on the humans in the picture.
I have an FWB relationship right now. I have no idea who he sleeps with when we're not together, but we have similar opinions on condom usage. It suits me.
But if I was in a committed relationship with the intention of building a life together or potentially doing so, I would expect it to be exclusive. Sex is an intimate act for many people. There are emotions tied up in it. In fact, I think the best sex happens when there are emotions or at least a strong regard for your partner. If you let other people into a sexual relationship, you open the possibility for the committed partners to bond with an external party and blow up the shared life that was being built together.
It's hard to separate sex from emotions for a lot of people. I'm not a jealous person at all, but I don't want a committed relationship that is in any way poly - you're introducing unnecessary variables into the relationship when you do that.
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