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It's not the being the breadwinner that's the problem. It's being the breadwinner AND the primary caregiver, AND the one who runs the household that's the issue. Too much stress on one person.
So what is he doing all day if you are doing everything?
What is primary care giver mean beside the obvious financial aspect to you?
It's not the being the breadwinner that's the problem. It's being the breadwinner AND the primary caregiver, AND the one who runs the household that's the issue. Too much stress on one person.
well. yes... thats what my post said. Lots of problems... but being the breadwinner is not one of them. The title of this thread gives the impression that being the breadwinner is the problem
Communicate with him and divide the responsibilities. If not... need mediation and or counseling as a couple and as individuals. I find it hard to believe that there is not something else at play here regarding your husbands inability to hold a job considering his background.
You are a lawyer... start researching your state laws regarding custody in a divorce. In many situations the laws are biased towards the mother. For men in your situation, there is real concern... however this may work in your favor.
Go to counseling. If he won't go, go without him. I'm not sure how when you went before it made things worse. Did it raise issues that needed to be addressed?
I very much doubt he'll change. Are you prepared to live this way for 20 more years? If he's spending liberally how are you going to save for college and your retirement? Honestly it sounds like you'd be better off without him but I do think counseling will help you clarify things. Why do you think he'll get custody if he doesn't have a stable job and you do most of the care taking? If he's not active in caring for the kids now what makes you think he'll want to be active caring for them if you divorce?
Go talk to a divorce lawyer and get their opinions on how it would play out. Of course they won't know for sure but I would think that they could give you a general idea of what might happen based on past experience.
While it's tempting to focus on a spouse's inconsiderate (or cruel) behavior, it's usually a good idea to refocus on yourself. Maybe start a conversation with: "I'm not happy." Just taking ownership of your own experience and feelings within a marriage can be liberating.
Who knows what is causing your husband's unstable job history and his distancing moves towards his family? At this point, I doubt the reasons matter much. He either values his marriage or he does not. Let him offer up possible solutions for a better relationship. If he has nothing to offer, then there's your answer.
What did you decide to do? I am in a similar situation. I am the breadwinner AND primary caregiver to his two sons(my step sons) and our baby. He does not contribute financially very much, sometimes not at all. He spends money and makes excuses for the things he buys; “oh I just bought all those shoes to resell them”, “I bought the beat machine so I can sell my beats”. None of which has been true. When he is home he tends to spend most of his time down in the basement with his music while I am trying to deal with the older boys ( who are Very hyperactive) as well as take care of baby, I’m a nursing mom. l’m so worn out and honestly don’t make enough to continue to support everyone on my own.
So my husband and I met when we were both in law school. When we got engaged, we discussed everything in detail from where we'd live (in the same state as his family) to who would stay home with the kids (we both agreed I'd be a stay at home mother, and would work part time once they started school). Now we have been married 10 years and have two kids. I have kept the promises I made, but he has not. He was fired from his job when the kids were toddlers, so I had to go to work to support the family. Just when I was able to stay home again, he got fired again, so I had to return to work and support the family again. That lasted almost a year. Finally, I was offered a well paying job in CA near my family. We fought about moving and at the last second he was able to find a job so we didn't move and I didn't take the awesome opportunity. His new job was not as a lawyer and he was making a lot less money, so I still had to work full time. Fast forward, I am now the breadwinner, as well as the primary caretaker of our kids and I am constantly stressed out. Resentment has built up towards my husband who has no qualms about spending liberally. His student loans are twice mine since he didn't work through school like I did. At this point, I would really like to take a less stressful job and get a pay cut, if I could get more flextime at work. He is completely unsupportive of this and gives me the silent treatment whenever I bring it up. We could make small lifestyle adjustments and it would work, but he seems not to b e willing to make those adjustments. I'm at my wits end with him, and really want to leave him, but I am worried that he would get joint custody (or even full, although I've been the primary caretaker all along, even when he was out of work). I adore my kids and cannot imagine life not seeing them every day. I feel so stuck. Anyone leave a situation ultimately and not regret it even if you have kids? They can see I don't love him as I know it's as clear as day, even though I try to hide my feelings. We briefly tried counseling but it only made things worse.
As a lawyer, you should know your options, but before that, what about marriage counseling? Does he love the kids? Visitation rights could be supervised.
I think you need to reflect on your 10-year marriage and find out what happened and why he behaves that way. Perhaps he has depression, anxieties or other mental health issues. Maybe he is sick, you just don't know anything about it? Maybe he is too intimidated by you?
Maybe there are other personal issues you missed being full time employed and a mom.
As to him spending money - there are ways to reduce his access and control spendings.
As for any future life choices, I think you just need to go ahead and make decisions best for you and your kids. He will deal with it, or not - at this point it doesn't matter. He has no job to hold into so he can move wherever you want/need to move.
If you don't know how to deal with your situation - get counseling.
It's great that you tried to do some research prior to posting your story, however the original poster to this thread has not been back to CD since 2015 so don't expect an answer. This is a three year old thread.
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