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My now-wife and I dated for several years before getting married last year. We're both 30 years old, so having kids has suddenly come into greater focus.
I am not -- and have never been -- a big baby person. She has always liked kids more than me. I am what you would call ambivalent: I have my moments where I picture myself tenderly carrying a baby girl, and others where the thought of kids scares me to death.
I told my wife about 4 years into our relationship that intimacy mattered a great deal to me, and if we were ever to run into problems in that department -- and it weren't related to medical issues -- it could spell trouble. She knows full well that a sexless marriage is something I won't settle for.
We've gone through slumps over the years that have found us having sex 0-1 times a week. We recently bought a place and I realize that maintaining it (cleaning, cooking, etc.) consumes ample time and energy. (I help with washing dishes, garbage, cleaning, laundry, and other chores.) She is also a teacher, which means her job leaves her drained on many days.
I'm concerned that having a kid is going to do a number on our sex life. We don't have any right now, and still I find myself masturbating a lot more than I think I should be as a married man. (She is aware that I do this and is okay with it.)
My sex drive has always been higher than hers, but I thought the added privacy of our own place would help things pick up. Sure, we've had good weeks here and there (e.g., sex 3 times in a week), but they've been rare.
I know for a fact that she spends way too much time watching TV. Now that we have DVR, she can record and watch her favorite shows anytime -- and maybe this has served as a bit of a distraction.
I've already voiced my concerns, but communication is not her strongsuit. She usually just tries to avoid confrontation/touchy subjects.
Have any of you had kids and seen your -- or your partner's -- libido hit rock bottom as a result? How did you remedy the situation? Was this something you considered before even trying to have a baby?
Yes, it happens. If you think work and homeownership make you busy and tired, kids multiply it tenfold.
Really, it sounds like you have an "intimacy" problem, but it's not about sex. It's about communication and expectations and honesty. Many people mistakenly use "intimacy" and "sex" interchangeably. You can have one without the other, but if you want really great sex, you will work on knowing each other intimately. Lay it all out on the table and come up with a compromise.
As I recall, many of us have advised you in the Parenting forum against having kids when you're as ambivalent as you are.
If it's bad now my guess is it will get worse after the kid is born. The TV is just her current excuse, she'll find another one if she needs it.
You're ambivalent about having children and you're not happy with the state of your marriage that doesn't sound like a good environment to bring a child into.
Have you thought about couples therapy? It sounds like it might be useful in resolving the issues you're facing.
If sex isn't a priority now, it's sure not going to get any easier when kids are in the mix. It's tough with the baby stage because of the physical demands. After that you'll probably have a few good years of them going to bed at a decent hour and sleeping through the night. But, everything comes full circle when they start going to bed later... and eventually come to horrifying realization that parents still have sex (my 10-year-old is the worst because he is such a light sleeper, and is developing a pervy sense of humor). If you're both on the same page have the same drive to conspire against all c*ck-blocking attempts ("Hey kids, do you want to sleep in a tent on the front lawn tonight? What do you mean the hot cocoa tastes like Benadryl?"), then your sex life stands a chance. But if one if you isn't into it, don't count on the frequency improving.
If it's bad now my guess is it will get worse after the kid is born. The TV is just her current excuse, she'll find another one if she needs it.
You're ambivalent about having children and you're not happy with the state of your marriage that doesn't sound like a good environment to bring a child into.
Have you thought about couples therapy? It sounds like it might be useful in resolving the issues you're facing.
I'm not unhappy with the state of the marriage. This is really the only area that needs work. I just think it could be better.
Another thing I forgot to mention is that she switched from birth control pills to an IUD earlier this year. She assures me that it hasn't affected her drive, but it doesn't seem to me like we do it as much anymore.
Don't have kids if you're not sure you really want them. Your ambivalence to having kids means you should not go down that road at this point. Yes, having children will change everything, the dynamics of your marriage and your sex life. It's not uncommon to go weeks or or month+ without sex with young kids in the picture, especially a new baby.
At least for my wife, sex drive took a dive after our first child and pretty much bottomed out after the second set. So I have to agree.. it won't get better with children.
Things don't sound good now, and with poor communication, they can't improve. Even with better communication, this is probably her baseline, and isn't likely to improve except briefly if she wants to get pregnant. Once she does, you will see another decline, most likely. And once you have a child, you may end up in a nearly sexless marriage until she wants another child. Children, career, and home ownership are time consuming, tiring, and libido killers for many, and since her libido is poor to start with, I think you'll see the worst case scenario come to be.
So, now is the time to either fix the issue decisively before you have children, or divorce and move on. There ARE good women with a high sex drive. Be sure you're the kind of man who inspires that sex drive, though. The next round of sex starts long before you go to the bedroom - it's the constant love, appreciation, respect, and caring that makes a safe environment, and the little things - and small surprises - that fire up the passions. Unless, of course, she's naturally low drive, in which case nothing you do will make any difference whatsoever. (I know - my first wife was low libido, and it decreased from there as time went on. I finally got smart and moved on.)
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