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It's definitely possible to be spontaneous as a family, but it seems others are talking about grown up things, sans kids. This can be difficult to do with small kids or infants. A night out on the town just isn't something a lot of couples can do on a whim once kids are part of the picture. Going out was easier for us before having my youngest. We had a reliable sitter and she wasn't too expensive, so it was a great set up. With an infant, especially young infant? Nope. That requires timing everything around breastfeeding schedule, naps, and throw in other variables it makes it really difficult to be spontaneous. Back when I was pregnant my husband talked about visiting friends of his, another couple, and doing things/going places. I laughed. Then we had our daughter and he realized just how difficult it is to plan and schedule going out.
My dad is very extroverted and liked going out and doing things and I'd go along with him. It was fun, but I was also older 5+, so it made it easier to do fun things or tag along with him.
I suppose.
My perspective is skewed by having grown up with grandparents as neighbors who would voluntarily babysit at any time of the night or day so adults could do whatever spontaneous things they chose. My kid will grow up the same way, with grandparents and other relatives in the immediate vicinity who are very pro kid-watching at any time whatsoever. So nothing really changes, in that regard...grandma can be here in about five minutes and is vocal about being thrilled to do so.
I was actually a lot happier when I realized that being more introverted was okay. That I kind of hated going out on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights in the manner of college students. That I like it when people give me a little advanced notice of plans. Does that make me boring? Maybe, but I'm happy with it, and I was never into wild and crazy anyway
My perspective is skewed by having grown up with grandparents as neighbors who would voluntarily babysit at any time of the night or day so adults could do whatever spontaneous things they chose. My kid will grow up the same way, with grandparents and other relatives in the immediate vicinity who are very pro kid-watching at any time whatsoever. So nothing really changes, in that regard...grandma can be here in about five minutes and is vocal about being thrilled to do so.
I would love it if my mom weren't clear across the country. She's awesome. Back when I lived in Atlanta she lived a block away, but since she isn't retired she wasn't exactly available whenever. Only after work for short periods of time and on the weekend. But she was great about watching the kids.
But even then, my kids didn't stay over for long periods of time or even overnight until they were done breastfeeding. Spontaneous for me, when they're really little, is running errands, having quiet time, grabbing some lunch, and getting my nails done, or seeing a movie. Whatever could be accomplished in a 2-3 hour window.
Marriage is an institution that asked you to get joy and excitement out of the small things in life. There is plenty of truth in the statement that misery loves company.
You can go ahead and question the premise or chalk this up to snark (but please do spare me the "but I'm married and totally not boring!")....
When I think of the coolest, most interesting people I know, none are partnered up nor have any prospect in signt.
Most of the marrieds I know, including the very happy ones, are incredibly dull and ordinary, however inoffensively "pleasant".
So which came first - the marriage or the boring?
Are unique, fascinating, passionate types possibly not cut out for long-term coupling?
The fascinating, creative types need to find each other, and that can be challenging, in a relatively homogenized world. It's also harder for people with exceptional intelligence to find someone. The majority of people who are closer to average have a much bigger pool to choose from. Those who are edging toward "outlier" status have to seek out other outliers, and then, among those, find ones who are stable (economically and psychologically), kind, honest, etc.
My perspective is skewed by having grown up with grandparents as neighbors who would voluntarily babysit at any time of the night or day so adults could do whatever spontaneous things they chose. My kid will grow up the same way, with grandparents and other relatives in the immediate vicinity who are very pro kid-watching at any time whatsoever. So nothing really changes, in that regard...grandma can be here in about five minutes and is vocal about being thrilled to do so.
having that family support makes a huge difference. We don't have that, so spontaneity is pretty much back-burned for at least a few more years, especially since babysitting for 3 school-age children (one with special needs) doesn't come cheap. Although once in a while we do play hooky and ditch work while the kids are at school.
I would love it if my mom weren't clear across the country. She's awesome. Back when I lived in Atlanta she lived a block away, but since she isn't retired she wasn't exactly available whenever. Only after work for short periods of time and on the weekend. But she was great about watching the kids.
But even then, my kids didn't stay over for long periods of time or even overnight until they were done breastfeeding. Spontaneous for me, when they're really little, is running errands, having quiet time, grabbing some lunch, and getting my nails done, or seeing a movie. Whatever could be accomplished in a 2-3 hour window.
Yep, I'l have 4-ish hours nightly where I'm at my grad school classes. That means, every day, my MIL, FIL, or occasionally SIL will come over and sit with the baby for the 45 minutes between when I leave for class and my husband gets home from work (longer on nights where he has meetings at work). My in-laws and spouse will be the ones to handle evening feedings (I'm planning on breastfeeding, as well, and pumping for when I'm in class) until I get home. Both my MIL and FIL are 100% retired and have unlimited availability by their own choice. One is about five blocks away, one is about three miles away. My SIL is a student, so her availability is a little more sketchy, but she's game. Because she's young, I'll likely hold off on any significant childcare responsibilities until the baby's a bit older, though.
I don't have a lot of time for spontaneous anything during my days right now, because my non-in-class time is spent mostly doing studying, writing, and research. So there's really not a lot outside of grabbing some lunch or a nap that comes up. Thankfully, my in-laws have already let me know they're on-call for any of those things. My parents are similarly awesome, and are the same with all my siblings' kids, although they are not retired, so availability is built around their work. But I live far from fam.
I would say that, right now, grad school is a more significant barrier to spontaneity than anything marriage or family-related. And that's not a complaint, I'm completely fine with it. It's how I choose to approach school, all-in.
having that family support makes a huge difference. We don't have that, so spontaneity is pretty much back-burned for at least a few more years, especially since babysitting for 3 school-age children (one with special needs) doesn't come cheap. Although once in a while we do play hooky and ditch work while the kids are at school.
Yep, it's a big reason that locating near at least one side of family whenever possible (my spouse is military, so it's NOT always possible, obviously, but right now, he's reserve side, so we have a lot more choice in life as long as that continues) is a major, top priority, in terms of starting a family, for both my spouse and I.
Both my spouse and I were raised with grandparents who were both geographically and emotionally close, and it was a MAJOR positive in our lives. We both spent enormous amounts of time with grandparents all through childhood. We decided early on that we wanted that for our own kids as much as possible, as well.
We are both very, very, very family oriented, though. Which, to some people, is the very epitome of "boring." It's not to me, though. My siblings, sibling-in-laws, their spouses, etc., are my best friends in the world. In all honesty, if I have a chance to spend leisure time with family or leisure time with friends, I'm going to choose family about 99.9999% of the time, without batting an eye.
Marriage is an institution that asked you to get joy and excitement out of the small things in life.
I've always been this way, and I didn't get married until much later in life than is the norm.
Getting joy and excitement out of small things in life was just part of how I was raised, and has been a mindset that's followed me all my life. It might serve me well in marriage, but personally, I wouldn't say it's been due to marriage that I feel this way.
I assume to some, it's very boring to be a person who is easily thrilled by really little, simple things. To me, it's the opposite. If really simple things in life are thrilling to you, it's hard to ever be bored.
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