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The title sums it up. Obviously I alone must decide and make the plunge (or not) but I'd like some feedback on my fears and my (not especially eventful)situation. So a little more information...
I'm 31 and have been with my girlfriend for over 3 years, and eagerly moved into her apartment 2.5 years ago after she suggested it. So in some ways it almost feels like we're married, and overall I feel pretty comfortable with my living situation and more importantly her. Neither of us want kids which is good. She however has been hinting at marriage, at first it was a hint at least, now its pretty much an ultimatum. An ultimatum that we discussed back in August or so that I apparently need to propose to her by the end of the year which of course is fast approaching. I was hoping in vain and foolishly that she had somehow forgotten the "deadline" but of course she hadn't which she sternly reminded me of last week. She said I should move out next month if I don't propose. I know I've been putting this off but do you think many happy marriages begin in a similar way with an ultimatum? Is she being too controlling and demanding or do I need a "nudge"?
Thing is, I'm indecisive about a lot of major changes and I don't have a lot of direction in my life. I feel like I just kind of float around like a jellyfish in the current; like with my dead end but comfortable job and our relationship which she has complained doesn't progress. The honeymoon phase is over and I'm realistic enough to think that our relationship may not have staying power forever, I wonder if I should feel more certain about it but I'm not sure if I could be, with anyone. I feel in some ways that marriage is unfortunately unnatural and that most people aren't designed for it. Theres also the divorce litigation that according to male friends of mine tend to heavily favor the women. Sorry if this sounds depressing. Maybe I should design some Hallmark cards .
I think part of my indecision comes from the fact that I'm pretty shy with women and thus haven't had many girlfriends. This has been my only really long relationship, so I have little past experience to compare my current situation to. Also obviously we have some differences and one of them is politics. She and her family is quite Democratic while I've been growing increasingly very Libertarian. We're all pretty accepting of our different viewpoints as long as we're tactful and low key about it, if somebody slipped some truth serum in our beverages though its possible the dining table would become a boxing ring. Also she wants to stay living in the big city, in contrast to myself who sometimes dreams of moving to a small town/rural area like the one I grew up in. However just like other things in my life, its not a "for sure" thing.
Anyways I've rambled enough for now about commitment and indecision. I'd like to hear how many others have felt this way and what they did about it.
The title sums it up. Obviously I alone must decide and make the plunge (or not) but I'd like some feedback on my fears and my (not especially eventful)situation. So a little more information...
I'm 31 and have been with my girlfriend for over 3 years, and eagerly moved into her apartment 2.5 years ago after she suggested it. So in some ways it almost feels like we're married, and overall I feel pretty comfortable with my living situation and more importantly her. Neither of us want kids which is good. She however has been hinting at marriage, at first it was a hint at least, now its pretty much an ultimatum. An ultimatum that we discussed back in August or so that I apparently need to propose to her by the end of the year which of course is fast approaching. I was hoping in vain and foolishly that she had somehow forgotten the "deadline" but of course she hadn't which she sternly reminded me of last week. She said I should move out next month if I don't propose. I know I've been putting this off but do you think many happy marriages begin in a similar way with an ultimatum? Is she being too controlling and demanding or do I need a "nudge"?
Thing is, I'm indecisive about a lot of major changes and I don't have a lot of direction in my life. I feel like I just kind of float around like a jellyfish in the current; like with my dead end but comfortable job and our relationship which she has complained doesn't progress. The honeymoon phase is over and I'm realistic enough to think that our relationship may not have staying power forever, I wonder if I should feel more certain about it but I'm not sure if I could be, with anyone. I feel in some ways that marriage is unfortunately unnatural and that most people aren't designed for it. Theres also the divorce litigation that according to male friends of mine tend to heavily favor the women. Sorry if this sounds depressing. Maybe I should design some Hallmark cards .
I think part of my indecision comes from the fact that I'm pretty shy with women and thus haven't had many girlfriends. This has been my only really long relationship, so I have little past experience to compare my current situation to. Also obviously we have some differences and one of them is politics. She and her family is quite Democratic while I've been growing increasingly very Libertarian. We're all pretty accepting of our different viewpoints as long as we're tactful and low key about it, if somebody slipped some truth serum in our beverages though its possible the dining table would become a boxing ring. Also she wants to stay living in the big city, in contrast to myself who sometimes dreams of moving to a small town/rural area like the one I grew up in. However just like other things in my life, its not a "for sure" thing.
Anyways I've rambled enough for now about commitment and indecision. I'd like to hear how many others have felt this way and what they did about it.
I have a female-friend who got married to a guy who's 37 years old. She's pregnant now and he'll have his first child as a 38 year old: just figuring his life out now as a late-30s something. Sounds like you might have a way to go yourself, but there's nothing wrong with it .
And I can't believe this girl is giving you a deadline. She clearly wants to be married for the sake of the wedding and ~*aLl HeR brIdEsMaiD dReSseS aNd tHe BiG CAkE*~<3, I honestly don't think she's thought it through herself, you have and apparently deep down inside you don't really want to go through with it at least not right now, so don't do it.
Biologically, you will always be able to have kids as you never run out of sperm so you really don't have too much of a timeline IMO (sorry to be blunt ) I'd say run far far away, but that's just me. A girl who loves you won't put the pressure on you.
Location: Central Bay Area, CA as of Jan 2010...but still a proud Texan from Houston!
7,484 posts, read 10,445,382 times
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OP Re-Read what you posted and then sincerely ask yourself...does this seem like a natural progression for me at this point of my life? Or do you feel as though you should turn and walk away? If you choose the latter journey then at least take some time to reflect on all of the lessons that you hopefully learned while in this relationship.
Go with your intuition/instinct/gut and always remain open to learning the lessons you were meant to learn in this lifetime.
My last 2 cents....Since you chose to come to a forum to help you with your decision...this speaks volumes that you are not truly ready.
Ask yourself one simple question:
what will signing that piece of paper give you that you cant have already? i mean you said it yourself..youre practically married..you live eat **** **** in the same house. What more do you think there is?
But you have a right not to want to be subjected to an ultimatum.
Honestly? I would not propose if I were you. Most of the married folks here will say this, but when it's right, you won't be have this kind of indecision. You'll know you want to marry her. The cliche is true: You know when you know.
Haven't ever felt like proposing.
When I do, I doubt anything would stop me from doing so, or not doing so.
It'll be my choice...independent of anyone elses thoughts.
OP, I don't think anyone should propose because of threats. Either you are ready for marriage or you are not. If you are in love with her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, then you should consider it. If you are having difficulty wrapping your brain around it, you should not. If you marry under duress you might regret that situation and blame her. Three years is a long time to have no committment and I am sure that is what she is thinking, but telling you that you need to propose before the 1st of the year or move out, isn't good either. You might have to consider moving out until you feel more certain.
If you can't decide then don't do it. Marrying her must be the most important thing in your life, the thought of not being with her for ever should grab you like a fear.
If it doesn't? well... i'm sure you know the answer.
Last edited by Baldrick; 12-19-2012 at 04:19 AM..
Reason: What's with all the questions? What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?
If when you close your eyes....You can't see her in your future, walk away quietly and w/ dignity now...
If however you cannot imagine not having her to share life's event's with, to just be sitting next to her quietly looking at the stars..That she gets you, all your idiosyncrasy, and faults, and joys... Than propose.
And, the absolute worst thing you can do is propose out of guilt....Walk away...take time to learn to be you. I will tell you though....it is hard to find a female that does not ever want kids.
Most of us women believe that if you haven't fallen in love w/ us enough to propose after 3 years, you are not gonna...
So, OP.... fish or cut bait.
Last edited by JanND; 12-19-2012 at 05:03 AM..
Reason: edit text
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but there's nothing wrong with it 
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She clearly wants to be married for the sake of the wedding and ~*aLl HeR brIdEsMaiD dReSseS aNd tHe BiG CAkE*~<3, I honestly don't think she's thought it through herself, you have and apparently deep down inside you don't really want to go through with it at least not right now, so don't do it.
) I'd say run far far away, but that's just me. A girl who loves you won't put the pressure on you.
Can't decide to propose to gf or not
