getting divorced.........now about the stepchildren (wife, married, guy, love)
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Have two stepdaughters, in their twenties, grown (one married) and both in different states far away. No birth kids of my own.
My ex-wife-to-be and I are getting divorced after 17 years together and 15 years married.......and I have always had a civil-yet-complicated relationship with the stepkids. Basically raised and supported them, but they never (for host of reasons) never bought into me as part of their lives, instead I was the guy that slept with mom and paid the bills. A nice guy, seen not as a monster, but never part of the group and certainly not as a full-fledged family "partner." I wanted it to be closer, and always have, but whenever I took on Dad roles, they always fought it, and Mom would step in. In teen years, Mom and kids, well they would all circle the wagons, talk amongst themselves, etc.....
So it's messy, but they would still say I love you and glad to see me. And we get along ok when together.
Anyway, I do know that it is still complicated, and now with a divorce, one that they (as always) are circling the wagons with their mother for, I am a bit confused as to how our relationship should be, during and after the divorce. The divorce is fairly mutual, and certainly civil. Never abuse or infidelity from either of us. Just a whole lotta disagreeeing and arguing and a change of life goals from both of us.
I am certainly not trying to sway them, and I've always kept my distance. Just don't want them to hate me, I guess. This is all very new to me.
I guess what I'm asking is how do I go on, (or DO I?) having a relationship with them. I'm now an ex-step-father. That's a lot of hyphens, both literally and certainly figuratively.
Have two stepdaughters, in their twenties, grown (one married) and both in different states far away. No birth kids of my own.
My ex-wife-to-be and I are getting divorced after 17 years together and 15 years married.......and I have always had a civil-yet-complicated relationship with the stepkids. Basically raised and supported them, but they never (for host of reasons) never bought into me as part of their lives, instead I was the guy that slept with mom and paid the bills. A nice guy, seen not as a monster, but never part of the group and certainly not as a full-fledged family "partner." I wanted it to be closer, and always have, but whenever I took on Dad roles, they always fought it, and Mom would step in. In teen years, Mom and kids, well they would all circle the wagons, talk amongst themselves, etc.....
So it's messy, but they would still say I love you and glad to see me. And we get along ok when together.
Anyway, I do know that it is still complicated, and now with a divorce, one that they (as always) are circling the wagons with their mother for, I am a bit confused as to how our relationship should be, during and after the divorce. The divorce is fairly mutual, and certainly civil.
I am certainly not trying to sway them, and I've always kept my distance. Just don't want them to hate me, I guess. This is all very new to me.
That's a shame.
Honestly, I would follow their lead. Let them know, somehow, that you will be there if they need you but that you will not reach out to them.
You can't stop them from hating you...depends on how much your ex talks negatively about you or if you had contentious issues you're divorcing over. Just stay civil to all. You don't seem to feel that close to them so there's no reason to force that now - things may naturally drift (further) apart and that's probably okay given they're grown anyway.
I'm sorry, OP. It would be really rough for me to lose stepchildren like that. I've severed friendships but missed seeing their kids and wonder how they are doing. You have been such a part of each other's lives.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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I would really let the stepchildren set the tempo on this since they are grown. I gained a stepfather and stepbrother over the summer and a lot of the time, stepchildren will side with their natural parent on anything to the point of shutting the stepparent out. My mother had previously been married before and I have no contact with her ex-husbands, one because he was a controlling tool to my mother. I don't think they will hate you since you sound like an okay person but be very prepared for them not to want to keep contact with you.
This is terrific logic. And suits where we are now and where I predict us to be.
I agree, and something you might want to buckle up for is that you might not have much contact with them at all. They're getting older and doing there own thing more, and things didn't sound super rosey to begin with. Of course the flip side is as they get older they may see you in a better perspective and appreciate you more....
Your relationship with your stepkids sounds kind of like mine, in which case, if it happens, I would never expect to hear from them again, which would be fine by me.
I have gone out of my way to be a great substitute parent and have been repayed with nothing but grief and spite
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