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I have been pondering on whether or not I should post on here, since I do not like to put my marital problems into light, especially on a public forum, but I dont have anyone to talk to besides my mom and have learned my lessons too many times not to run to her for things like these. Its been on my head since last night and driving me crazy, I just want to get it over with.
So here I am, seeking unbiased advises on whether or not I am overreacting.
My husband and I have been together for a total of 7 years. When we were dating, he confronted that he had a crush on a girl that was in his school. He firmly told me that it was a CRUSH only, and that he has never had a gf before me. Not that I care since it didnt pertain to our relationship, he just one day decided to tell me about his love history.
I didnt knew who she was, and just put it down to some random girl my husband had a crush on, but throughout the years, I found out here and there that he keeps looking for updates on her. She is a successful business woman, smart, and beautiful. The kind of gal that every guy would like to lay eyes on.
So what happened was a few years ago, he called home and asked me to get something from his email and it was urgent since he was applying for a job. He told me his password. The password was his name and a phrase (lets just take diamond for example). Didnt think much about his password and didnt really care...BUT I discovered something else along the way. I have a habit of looking up my internet history if I accidentally closed a tab or my husband closed it. Its much more easier than to search all over again. One time, I found news articles about a business woman in the history (it was right there in front of me). What drew me to it was the woman's name was part of my husband's pw. I clicked on it, and read the news article about her and how successful she is.
I didnt confront him or anything, I thought he was just curious or maybe his friends sent him the article. Then he kept bringing up her name. She has an odd name but it actually sounds pretty nice and he wants to name our daughter (if we ever have one), after her (he didnt say specifically to name after his crush, he just said "I think this name is nice, we should name our daughter this")
Then last night, I looked up the history again (unaware of anything, since a few years has passed), and I realized he's been trying to find her on facebook. She has an odd name so it didnt come up immediately, he tried high and low putting her name different ways before finally getting the correct one.
Throughout our 5 years of marriage, this women's name has came up way too many times, so I decided to ask him if he hasnt gotten over her yet. He said no, and that he was just wanting to see what she was up to followed by "she's married...but her husband is ugly, I'm better looking."
Since last night, he's been saying things that makes me sensitive. Its not the first time he's given me "suggestions" on how to better my health, but the thought of him looking her up makes me feel inferior. He said I shouldnt leave my boobs hanging around the house, otherwise it will sag to the floor when I am older (not the first time he's said this), and that I should hit the gym often to lose weight, dieting is not enough (again, not the first time). I didnt have any problems before, but now whenever he says things ike that it makes me feel like maybe he is comparing me to her?
Its made me think a lot about my life. I have lived for others way too much, putting their happiness in front of mine. He wanted kids, I gave him 2. He wanted 1 more, and originally so did I, but I am debating on whether or not I should have anymore with HIM. As an individual, I want more kids. I am young, and love babies (kids in general too, not just babies). I wanted 4 kids since I was in middle school. I have a big age gap between my younger siblings and there was a time in my life whereI helped raised them. Especially my youngest brother who is 13 years younger than me. Needless to say, when I had my own kids the maternal instinct came naturally to me.
I have an annual check up with my obgyn doc coming up, and really wanting to get my tubes tied to prevent anymore pregnancies, and let me just say it feels like a loss. Feels like I am losing a child I always wanted to complete our family portrait, but the thought of having more kids with my husband turns me off.
Does it sound like he is still obsessed with her or am I overreacting? I dont want my husband looking at her profile and having thoughts like "why isnt my wife as good as her?"
I know a lot of divorce suggestions will come up, but I want to evaluate our relationship for another few years. I have started going back to school for my PA degree, and after I am done, I will be stable on my feet and will have more than enough to provide for my kids, at that time if there is still I strain, divorce wouldnt be as intimidating.
I have been pondering on whether or not I should post on here, since I do not like to put my marital problems into light, especially on a public forum, but I dont have anyone to talk to besides my mom and have learned my lessons too many times not to run to her for things like these. Its been on my head since last night and driving me crazy, I just want to get it over with.
So here I am, seeking unbiased advises on whether or not I am overreacting.
My husband and I have been together for a total of 7 years. When we were dating, he confronted that he had a crush on a girl that was in his school. He firmly told me that it was a CRUSH only, and that he has never had a gf before me. Not that I care since it didnt pertain to our relationship, he just one day decided to tell me about his love history.
I didnt knew who she was, and just put it down to some random girl my husband had a crush on, but throughout the years, I found out here and there that he keeps looking for updates on her. She is a successful business woman, smart, and beautiful. The kind of gal that every guy would like to lay eyes on.
So what happened was a few years ago, he called home and asked me to get something from his email and it was urgent since he was applying for a job. He told me his password. The password was his name and a phrase (lets just take diamond for example). Didnt think much about his password and didnt really care...BUT I discovered something else along the way. I have a habit of looking up my internet history if I accidentally closed a tab or my husband closed it. Its much more easier than to search all over again. One time, I found news articles about a business woman in the history (it was right there in front of me). What drew me to it was the woman's name was part of my husband's pw. I clicked on it, and read the news article about her and how successful she is.
I didnt confront him or anything, I thought he was just curious or maybe his friends sent him the article. Then he kept bringing up her name. She has an odd name but it actually sounds pretty nice and he wants to name our daughter (if we ever have one), after her (he didnt say specifically to name after his crush, he just said "I think this name is nice, we should name our daughter this")
Then last night, I looked up the history again (unaware of anything, since a few years has passed), and I realized he's been trying to find her on facebook. She has an odd name so it didnt come up immediately, he tried high and low putting her name different ways before finally getting the correct one.
Throughout our 5 years of marriage, this women's name has came up way too many times, so I decided to ask him if he hasnt gotten over her yet. He said no, and that he was just wanting to see what she was up to followed by "she's married...but her husband is ugly, I'm better looking."
Since last night, he's been saying things that makes me sensitive. Its not the first time he's given me "suggestions" on how to better my health, but the thought of him looking her up makes me feel inferior. He said I shouldnt leave my boobs hanging around the house, otherwise it will sag to the floor when I am older (not the first time he's said this), and that I should hit the gym often to lose weight, dieting is not enough (again, not the first time). I didnt have any problems before, but now whenever he says things ike that it makes me feel like maybe he is comparing me to her?
Its made me think a lot about my life. I have lived for others way too much, putting their happiness in front of mine. He wanted kids, I gave him 2. He wanted 1 more, and originally so did I, but I am debating on whether or not I should have anymore with HIM. As an individual, I want more kids. I am young, and love babies (kids in general too, not just babies). I wanted 4 kids since I was in middle school. I have a big age gap between my younger siblings and there was a time in my life whereI helped raised them. Especially my youngest brother who is 13 years younger than me. Needless to say, when I had my own kids the maternal instinct came naturally to me.
I have an annual check up with my obgyn doc coming up, and really wanting to get my tubes tied to prevent anymore pregnancies, and let me just say it feels like a loss. Feels like I am losing a child I always wanted to complete our family portrait, but the thought of having more kids with my husband turns me off.
Does it sound like he is still obsessed with her or am I overreacting? I dont want my husband looking at her profile and having thoughts like "why isnt my wife as good as her?"
I know a lot of divorce suggestions will come up, but I want to evaluate our relationship for another few years. I have started going back to school for my PA degree, and after I am done, I will be stable on my feet and will have more than enough to provide for my kids, at that time if there is still I strain, divorce wouldnt be as intimidating.
There is a LOT going on here.
I don't know that you're overreacting. I mean, it doesn't seem like you even ARE reacting except to internalize it all, which is really not good.
It sounds like he has carried a torch for her all these years. The baby name thing would send me over the edge. That does not appear to be random.
Either way, you definitely would benefit from some individual therapy, and you both should see a marriage counselor, although I doubt he will.
You may be overreacting a bit. Comparing yourself to others is always a losing proposition. She probably doesn't realize he exists. Hold your head high and just be you. If that isn't good enough for him - then have a serious conversation about more children, etc... You have a lot on your plate with 2 kids and PA school.
It honestly sounds like your self esteem and confidence are low or you are battling depression. Exercise has a host of mental benefits! Even walking around the block will help clear your thinking and boost your self esteem. Do it for you.
You're not overreacting, you haven't reacted at all.
Maybe that's part of the issue.
By overreacting, I meant if I should even be having these doubts or if his actions are considered normal and nothing to sweat about? I know some people who have a hobby of looking up their exes....but when it happens to me, I dont know how to react.
Thats what I did last night, and he told me he just wanted to see what she was up to.
That's was obvious if he was looking.
Take his motivations out of the equation, straight up tell him this constant revolving around her makes you feel uneasy.
Get to the heart of the issue instead of dancing around it
If you honestly feel like is this discussion can't happen with him for whatever the reason.
It's probably time to consider a mediator for your marital issues.
Last edited by rego00123; 09-18-2015 at 01:57 PM..
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