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After a time of self-doubt, of feeling unloved and unwanted and of detaching myself emotionally from my marriage I told my husband that I am considering divorce. I think that word alone brought up his conversation skills like never before (he usually doesn't like to talk much). In our two-hour long discussion he confessed that the reason for our sexless marriage and for him not paying enough attention to me is because he's addicted to porn/self-satisfaction. He swears that he loves me and is attracted to me though and that he's committed to stopping for the sake of saving the marriage. He is also saying he's committed to losing weight and spending more time with me and just doing all those things that I was missing. Normally he's a man of his words and follows through, but I don't know if the goals he set for himself are realistic.
I accepted to wait and see what happens and to be receptive to his attention, maybe because it's hard to leave a 6-year long marriage, and maybe because I'm too chicken to make a radical decision now. But I am seriously questioning whether someone addicted to porn will be able to change once and for all; I wonder if six months or a year from now well be back to ground zero, me feeling miserable.
Has anyone been through a situation like this? How did it work out for you?
Why don't you also try watching porn with him and a bit of "self-satisfaction", maybe together? That is one activity that he will enjoy and you can learn to appreciate. Once you have something in common that you can enjoy, you can try something else. You can see if talking to each other might work...
Why don't you also try watching porn with him and a bit of "self-satisfaction", maybe together? That is one activity that he will enjoy and you can learn to appreciate. Once you have something in common that you can enjoy, you can try something else. You can see if talking to each other might work...
That's not a long-term solution for me. I can do self-satisfaction as a temporary thing, if me or my SO is away. I can do porn as an occasional thing for variety. But to settle for porn and self satisfaction for the rest of my life- no. I can get that when i am single; I am in a relationship for a reason - not to feel single.
As far as porn block - I am not my husband's police and I am not his mother. I don't open my husband's mail, I don't check his phone, I don't tell him what to do and what not to do. If he genuinely wants to change- it will have to be on him. Also, am I desperate for me and him to work out? Not really, but if he thinks it's possible, it's worth giving it a shot, since we've invested so much with each other already.
Has anyone here been through a similar experience? if yes, did it get better? can people really change their habits and break out of addictions?
can people really change their habits and break out of addictions?
Sure they can. It happens all the time.
I personally believe that the most effective tool is the fundamental desire to change. A lot of people get confronted about their addictions, and will stop for the sake of others. In my experience, the vast majority of those who do successfully break out of their addictions do it for themselves, first and foremost.
Have you considered counselling-- either on your own or as a couple?
Addictions come in many forms and are either a problem in themselves - or a symptom of another problem. Which it is usually influences heavily on what the route to recovery will be. So if you want to work towards a recovery then indepth seeking of which it is would be the place to start.
Although you do not want to be his "police" some level of assistance is also not unwarranted. Checking all his emails and browsing history is indeed extreme. But he could - for example - move all the equipment by which he normally obtains porn (PC, DVD player whatever) into the common living area of your house rather than in private areas where he can utilise them for this purpose.
Nor should it just be "on him". The point of marriage and long term relationships is that you face hurdles in life of this sort _together_. Yes the majority of it is "on him" indeed - but you can be a part of that path too.
Many people have habits and addictions. Many people break them and recover. SO if you both want to get there - indeed you can. There is no reason to think people can not change.
The question is DO you want to get there. When you say something like "I might as well give it a shot since we have invested in it this far" - that is not the tone of someone who actually does want to save their relationship. The worth of a relationship in the present moment is based on the relationship at that moment - not how much effort you have invested in it in the past which you would be loathe to have come to nothing.
As far as porn block - I am not my husband's police and I am not his mother. I don't open my husband's mail, I don't check his phone, I don't tell him what to do and what not to do. If he genuinely wants to change- it will have to be on him.
That's why I said "do it together."
My ex was addicted to porn. Probably still is. He never changed, despite several conversations and lots of promises. He made me feel like a worthless, undesireable POS when he jerked off to some drugged up sluts while I walked the dog, took a shower or slept a few feet away from him in the other room.
After a time of self-doubt, of feeling unloved and unwanted and of detaching myself emotionally from my marriage I told my husband that I am considering divorce. I think that word alone brought up his conversation skills like never before (he usually doesn't like to talk much). In our two-hour long discussion he confessed that the reason for our sexless marriage and for him not paying enough attention to me is because he's addicted to porn/self-satisfaction. He swears that he loves me and is attracted to me though and that he's committed to stopping for the sake of saving the marriage. He is also saying he's committed to losing weight and spending more time with me and just doing all those things that I was missing. Normally he's a man of his words and follows through, but I don't know if the goals he set for himself are realistic.
I accepted to wait and see what happens and to be receptive to his attention, maybe because it's hard to leave a 6-year long marriage, and maybe because I'm too chicken to make a radical decision now. But I am seriously questioning whether someone addicted to porn will be able to change once and for all; I wonder if six months or a year from now well be back to ground zero, me feeling miserable.
Has anyone been through a situation like this? How did it work out for you?
I've not been in your situation, but I do think people can overcome addictions to porn if they want to overcome them. Give him a timeframe to improve and if he doesn't, do what you must.
Thank you all for your feedback; lots to think about. It's a hard concept to grasp that a feeling and relationship can be for real while also requiring constant work and focus. I dont know why i continue thinking that a genuine feeling and desire to change should be effortless and come from a natural drive, as opposed to being logically forced/worked on.
OP, check out Celebrate Recovery. It has helped people that are in this situation, both the addict and the spouse.
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