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Not a bad post BUT if you are a guy and you realize you have issues, it is up to you to seek help. I mean, when I read something like "I am 50 years old and I have never been in a relationship", is that normal?
Come on, there was never a time in 50 years, you woke up in the morning and realized "Hey, you know what? there may be something wrong with me!" Some of the stuff I have read here truly shocks me. At first, I thought some of these stories were made up and maybe satirical but weirdly enough, it seems like most of them are legitimate.
99.9% of the time, if you are having issues with dating and relationships, the reason is YOU!
I am not 50 but I have never had a relationship nor ever woke up thinking there was something wrong with me.
No one is guaranteed love or relationships in life. Some people find such things easily, some find them albeit with difficulty, and some cannot find them at all. You are either attractive to the opposite sex or you are not. It's simply the luck of the draw.
I learned and accepted years ago that I was unattractive to women for anything other than friendships. As I said above, its the luck of the draw.
Not a bad post BUT if you are a guy and you realize you have issues, it is up to you to seek help. I mean, when I read something like "I am 50 years old and I have never been in a relationship", is that normal?
Come on, there was never a time in 50 years, you woke up in the morning and realized "Hey, you know what? there may be something wrong with me!" Some of the stuff I have read here truly shocks me. At first, I thought some of these stories were made up and maybe satirical but weirdly enough, it seems like most of them are legitimate.
99.9% of the time, if you are having issues with dating and relationships, the reason is YOU!
Given the threads and comments you've made about women your age and Americans in general there's is a hint of hypocrisy in this post.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Frank_Carbonni
I have noticed the attitude towards the more awkward male participants in this sub-forum by some of the female participants to be a bit judgmental and by "a bit" I mean "very".
Granted there are a few male participants who regularly come off as disturbed sociopaths as if they are debating on whether they should become the next Ted Bundy or Elliot Rodger (one is immediately coming to mind, but I'm not going to name any names). There are few guys here who are so creepy, misanthropic, self-centered, and seething with resentment that they aren't far away from posting YouTube videos declaring themselves to be a "Supreme Gentleman", but there are maybe like two guys like that on here. Once again, not naming any names.
However most of them are just confused and inexperienced. Sometimes it seems all that is needed to be branded "creepy" or "a loser" is asking for advice or needing help on this forum.
This is about them.
The thing is that courtship, relationships, and dating don't come naturally to a lot of men. Some are naturally shy, some are a bit awkward, some never had a notable male role model (like a 1/3 of all children), some have a hard time distinguishing between friendly behavior and flirting behavior (actually, a lot of men have that problem), some were late bloomers and might not have even had a woman notice them until their 20s, many have low self-esteem, some might are self-conscious and are worried about scaring women off, some might have been abused as children by their parents and have a hard time maintaining healthy emotional bonds, and countless other reasons.
The point is that they are still learning. Do they sometimes say stupid things? Yeah. Are they often bitter? Yeah. Sometimes people who are uneducated are wrong. Sometimes people are frustrated that what seems to be easy for everyone else seems nearly impossible to them. So, yeah, sometimes they lash out. They out at men and at women. They vent. They rant. They whine.
It's not something a lot of people can talk about with their friends and family. And some of these guys don't even have much in the way of that. So they slink off to an internet forum where they write a long-winded, stream-of-consciousness rant about their dysfunctional or non-existent love/sex life in hopes that maybe could learn something or maybe just have someone acknowledge their frustration for once or even just tell him that he is not alone.
Then several rancorous vipers descend upon him and tell him that it is no wonder he is alone. Because the best way to deal with damaged people is to belittle them when they are seeking help and I am sure that it will not reinforce any negative views that might have of women. There is often a distinct lack of empathy towards the men who are often more deserving of compassion than contempt. You don't know what has gone on in someone's life between being conceived and hitting "Submit New Thread".
I know a few are going to proclaim themselves as speakers of a harsh truth. Well, good for you. We'll keep that in mind for when you might need a little bit of harsh truth yourself and I have a funny feeling that you might not like what others might have to say. That "harsh truth" is sometimes a bit more like kicking someone when they're down. But, hey, glass houses and stones; am I right?
But for the non-reptiles, I am not saying that these men should be indulged and remain free from criticism. Far from it. Constructive criticism is essential to building social skills. I am merely calling for a bit of understanding and tolerance. You ever wondered where PUAs and MGTOW come from? Most of them used to be those type of guys and they didn't receive the support they needed and they ended up deciding to either devote their lives to chasing sex or spend their entire lives to militantly avoiding it and they end up drifting into these preexisting cults which replace misinformed views on women with a palpable hatred of women (although in all fairness, not all MGTOW are misogynists, but there is definitely a sizable element that absolutely despise women).
Just keep that in mind.
You make a very good point.
I am going to play devil's advocate here though. (And try to put it in the most articulate way I can)
The thing is is that at the point some unforseen, unpleasant event happens while dating and socializing, venting is acceptable and there's nothing wrong with lending a friendly ear. After all men are still human beings first and foremost and get hurt and frustrated.
But as time goes on, at some point a guy has to accept was has happen and has to move on. To keep carrying on about what happen in the past isn't practical (it simply isn't going to help you) and that once friendly ear he had is going to start getting tired of hearing the same stuff over and over again. Even the most patient and understanding person has their limits of how much complaining and negativity they can take.
In particular on this forum, you will notice previously banned posters come back with a new username. And you know it's them because they rehash the same talking points in their posts, over and over again. As empathetic as I can be this exceeds the limit of my own patience. At some point you have to take action if you want something to change in your life. Making a thousand usernames talking over the same stuff isn't going to do anything.
It's pretty clear for people like this that it isn't about taking advice. They just want attention, they don't care if it's praise or brutal criticism, at least someone is paying attention to them.
But here's where I think the rest of the C-D community has to share in the blame in the dysfunction that goes on around here:
Those same whiners and complainers that others claim to dislike vehemently, the same dudes whose behavior people point out as self-indulgent and pathetic are the ones who consistently get the most replies on their threads. People are so quick tell these dudes off and put them in their place that they ignore the bigger picture, they are only here for attention any kind of attention! Everyone here should know that the best way to deal with someone like this is to not engage them and ignore them, let their threads sink to the bottom. But for some reason, people can't do that here even though it's actually easier to do here than it is in real life.
So to some extent I do agree with you. Some poster's really don't care about helping people or contributing anything constructive to a thread. There just here with some quick insults handy ready itching for an opportunity to use them.
First of all, I'm sure the following post will come across as hard-hearted, un-sympathetic, etc. towards people who need a lot of "help" when it comes to dating, relationships, etc:
When it comes to dating/relationships, the bottom-line is this: there is absolutely no substitute for experience. I'm in my mid-40's, and started dating in my teens - well before there were Internet forums like this for people to go to & discuss their problems/issues/questions. I just had to feel my way through the whole thing, and learn by doing.
There is also obviously something called "instinct" and being able to read/interpret/understand verbal cues/hints & non-verbal unspoken cues, body language, etc. Being able to do so is extremely important when it comes to not only dating, but in other relationships you have with people - i.e. co-workers, companies you do business with, etc. Some people instinctively have this, and apparently many don't. If you can't read non-verbal cues & body language when it comes to dating & in other aspects of your life, then, to be honest, you're going to have problems - and reading "advice" on internet forums like this isn't going to help you.
Going along with this, I see a lot of people on here who are apparently using forums like this as "go to" places to talk about their relationship problems. Well, what did people do before forums like this? Again, they just felt their way through the whole thing & dealt with the issues/concerns that came up. I also see forums like this as harmful rather than helpful when it comes to things like dating , because, unfortunately, people seem to come to depend on them.
If you feel forums aren't helpful, then why are you here? Why even have a relationship forum at all?
First of all, I'm sure the following post will come across as hard-hearted, un-sympathetic, etc. towards people who need a lot of "help" when it comes to dating, relationships, etc:
When it comes to dating/relationships, the bottom-line is this: there is absolutely no substitute for experience. I'm in my mid-40's, and started dating in my teens - well before there were Internet forums like this for people to go to & discuss their problems/issues/questions. I just had to feel my way through the whole thing, and learn by doing.
There is also obviously something called "instinct" and being able to read/interpret/understand verbal cues/hints & non-verbal unspoken cues, body language, etc. Being able to do so is extremely important when it comes to not only dating, but in other relationships you have with people - i.e. co-workers, companies you do business with, etc. Some people instinctively have this, and apparently many don't. If you can't read non-verbal cues & body language when it comes to dating & in other aspects of your life, then, to be honest, you're going to have problems - and reading "advice" on internet forums like this isn't going to help you.
Going along with this, I see a lot of people on here who are apparently using forums like this as "go to" places to talk about their relationship problems. Well, what did people do before forums like this? Again, they just felt their way through the whole thing & dealt with the issues/concerns that came up. I also see forums like this as harmful rather than helpful when it comes to things like dating , because, unfortunately, people seem to come to depend on them.
I lived in those times too and I didn't see many people feeling their way through it. They just didn't ever speak of it as they do now.
Given the threads and comments you've made about women your age and Americans in general there's is a hint of hypocrisy in this post.
You make a very good point.
I am going to play devil's advocate here though. (And try to put it in the most articulate way I can)
The thing is is that at the point some unforseen, unpleasant event happens while dating and socializing, venting is acceptable and there's nothing wrong with lending a friendly ear. After all men are still human beings first and foremost and get hurt and frustrated.
But as time goes on, at some point a guy has to accept was has happen and has to move on. To keep carrying on about what happen in the past isn't practical (it simply isn't going to help you) and that once friendly ear he had is going to start getting tired of hearing the same stuff over and over again. Even the most patient and understanding person has their limits of how much complaining and negativity they can take.
In particular on this forum, you will notice previously banned posters come back with a new username. And you know it's them because they rehash the same talking points in their posts, over and over again. As empathetic as I can be this exceeds the limit of my own patience. At some point if you have to take action if you want something to change in your life. Making a thousand usernames talking over the same stuff isn't going to do anything.
It's pretty clear for people like this that it isn't about taking advice. They just want attention, they don't care if it's praise or brutal criticism, at least someone is paying attention to them.
But here's where I think the rest of the C-D community has to share in the blame in the dysfunction that goes on around here:
Those same whiners and complainers that others claim to dislike vehemently, the same dudes whose behavior people point out as self-indulgent and pathetic are the ones who consistently get the most replies on their threads. People are so quick tell these dudes off and put them in their place that they ignore the bigger picture, they are only here for attention any kind of attention! Everyone here should know that the best way to deal with someone like this is to not engage them and ignore them, let their threads sink to the bottom. But for some reason, people can't do that here even though it's actually easier to do here than it is in real life.
So to some extent I do agree with you. Some poster's really don't care about helping people or contributing anything constructive to a thread. There just here with some quick insults handy ready itching for an opportunity to use them.
Exactly! These posters you speak of often get 100 or more responses often rehashing the same old thing over and over and over. I've found in my life the best way to make someone go away is to ignore them. By not responding, you send a very strong message by not playing their game.
Last edited by david0966; 09-29-2015 at 11:54 AM..
open public forums will always be a majority of personal biases and nasty retorts with very few actually attempting to have a conversation with the originating posters.
This is one of those things that both sides participating needs to remember before making threads or posts.
I have noticed the attitude towards the more awkward male participants in this sub-forum by some of the female participants to be a bit judgmental and by "a bit" I mean "very".
Granted there are a few male participants who regularly come off as disturbed sociopaths as if they are debating on whether they should become the next Ted Bundy or Elliot Rodger (one is immediately coming to mind, but I'm not going to name any names). There are few guys here who are so creepy, misanthropic, self-centered, and seething with resentment that they aren't far away from posting YouTube videos declaring themselves to be a "Supreme Gentleman", but there are maybe like two guys like that on here. Once again, not naming any names.
However most of them are just confused and inexperienced. Sometimes it seems all that is needed to be branded "creepy" or "a loser" is asking for advice or needing help on this forum.
This is about them.
The thing is that courtship, relationships, and dating don't come naturally to a lot of men. Some are naturally shy, some are a bit awkward, some never had a notable male role model (like a 1/3 of all children), some have a hard time distinguishing between friendly behavior and flirting behavior (actually, a lot of men have that problem), some were late bloomers and might not have even had a woman notice them until their 20s, many have low self-esteem, some might are self-conscious and are worried about scaring women off, some might have been abused as children by their parents and have a hard time maintaining healthy emotional bonds, and countless other reasons.
The point is that they are still learning. Do they sometimes say stupid things? Yeah. Are they often bitter? Yeah. Sometimes people who are uneducated are wrong. Sometimes people are frustrated that what seems to be easy for everyone else seems nearly impossible to them. So, yeah, sometimes they lash out. They out at men and at women. They vent. They rant. They whine.
It's not something a lot of people can talk about with their friends and family. And some of these guys don't even have much in the way of that. So they slink off to an internet forum where they write a long-winded, stream-of-consciousness rant about their dysfunctional or non-existent love/sex life in hopes that maybe could learn something or maybe just have someone acknowledge their frustration for once or even just tell him that he is not alone.
Then several rancorous vipers descend upon him and tell him that it is no wonder he is alone. Because the best way to deal with damaged people is to belittle them when they are seeking help and I am sure that it will not reinforce any negative views that might have of women. There is often a distinct lack of empathy towards the men who are often more deserving of compassion than contempt. You don't know what has gone on in someone's life between being conceived and hitting "Submit New Thread".
I know a few are going to proclaim themselves as speakers of a harsh truth. Well, good for you. We'll keep that in mind for when you might need a little bit of harsh truth yourself and I have a funny feeling that you might not like what others might have to say. That "harsh truth" is sometimes a bit more like kicking someone when they're down. But, hey, glass houses and stones; am I right?
But for the non-reptiles, I am not saying that these men should be indulged and remain free from criticism. Far from it. Constructive criticism is essential to building social skills. I am merely calling for a bit of understanding and tolerance. You ever wondered where PUAs and MGTOW come from? Most of them used to be those type of guys and they didn't receive the support they needed and they ended up deciding to either devote their lives to chasing sex or spend their entire lives to militantly avoiding it and they end up drifting into these preexisting cults which replace misinformed views on women with a palpable hatred of women (although in all fairness, not all MGTOW are misogynists, but there is definitely a sizable element that absolutely despise women).
I agree to have empathy with sincere people that speak about how they feel
I dont think sociopaths that have been posting for YEARS and have been given excellent respectful advice over and over again and still come here with the same tune deserve ANY empathy. They actually deserve to be kicked out for trolling so much and no amount of "harsh truth"is enough for this types.
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