Devastated and need advice (dating, wife, boyfriend, how to)

[brokenhearteddad]

My wife & I have been married 1 year, together 2. After our daughter was born (11mo ago), I worked days, she worked nights & we only saw each other 5 min/day. I told her that we should rearrange work schedules to work on our marriage. I know that you all do not know the dynamics of my situation and every relationship is different. I actually told her I would quit my job and would work at McDonals if I needed to to work on our marriage. She was willing to leave her job and stay at home and spend more time with our daughter and myself until we could get back on the same page in our marriage.

She put in her notice and a week before she was to leave, she told me that she wasn't ready to quit. I said no problem, but we really should try & make time to see each other more even if it were one more day or night for ourselves. Everything went down hill from there. She started getting angry & mean to me & about a month or so later she said we need to separate. Well, a week after we separated she started seeing a guy that drives in from Knoxville to Nashville 170 miles away each day to pick up a load of computers (where she works) to take to back to Knoxville (where he also lives). She is 24, he's 42 twice divorced, with a few kids, Im a 35, devoted, loving husband, in good shape and a good father and provider. I met hom one time when I went to her work to take her to lunch. He is quite overweight and balding. I am not perfect by any means, but likely an upgrade from what she left me for. I understand that looks are not the most important, but attraction to your partner is a key component.

She now blames me for everything and anything & says that she doesnt love me like she did and when our daughter was born she changed. I always treated her well, dont cheat, yell, abuse her. I told her I loved her at least 10 times a day. I send flowers and I am responsible. Asked her to go to counselling and she said no. It has been 2 months since I moved out and she says that she may be falling in love with this guy, which kills me. She talks to me like she hates me now and has so much anger towards me for no reason. I am sure the blame and the anger towards me is a way for her to feel better about what she is doing. I tried everything and cried while litterally begging her to work on our marriage and she sighed and got angry that I told her that I loved her and missed her. I am not a pushover and don't cry often, but I do believe that marriage and commitment are forever and not easy. Again, I am not saying at all that I am a perfect husband, but I was very good to her and treated her well. Is the blame she is puting on me normal?

She has no friends at all and has had only bad relationships in the past until she and I met. Her mother conditioned her poorly by preaching to her growing up that her and her fathers marriage was miserable and that she should never stay in a marriage if it is not perfect, which is unrealsitic for sure. I imagine that she will have to realize that the "Grass is not greener on the other side". I believe she took the easy way out by pushing marriage issues aside to be with someone that tells her great things. I do accept responsibility, but she is laying the blame on heavier every day which she is trying to keep herself angry at me I guess. It would be easier without a child in the picture, so I have to speak with her. I try to keep the topic on our daughter but it somehow turns into her getting angry over absolutely nothing. I miss her and love her completely and I am devastated and lost. I am trying to find strength to move on but I have had many tear filled nights missing her and my daughter. Any advice would be great. I did file for divorce last week. Sorry for the lengthy post. Any advice would be great, thanks.

[DareToDream]

Brokenhearted - How was your marriage before the pregnancy and delivery? I wonder if your wife is going through a postpartum depression type of thing. Has she spoken with her doctor?

[MainStreet]

Sorry you are going through this. I know this is no consolation, but your story is so very common these days.

Some insight, from my experiences (in no particular order).

She is too young to realize that she is being compulsive. She doesn't have enough life experience to learn about such issues and their consequences. She has no foresight; she's just flying by the seat of her pants.

Second, and I know this sounds like I am taking her side, before you realize you are vulnerable, it's to late and you've made choices that aren't in your own best interest. Shame on any man that would get involved with a young wife and mother. Heck, she could easily be unbalance hormonally from her pregnancy.

She was wrong to tell you she may be falling in love with him. How insensitive.

When it comes to your child, you have just as much rights as she does, so don't back down on your rights and abilities, stay strong but don't get emotional. Show the outside world that you are the mature one in this train wreck.

She is treating you poorly, being mean, hoping that it would be easier for you to let her go. She's trying to make you hate her, to make it easier for her to leave with a cleaner conscious.

Stay strong, take notes on her activities and time with your child. Even though that child is a baby, always act like life is glorious in the baby's presence.

Most importantly, don't trade one domestic drama for another, like your wife is.

[Tzaphkiel]

It sounds like you are in a really heartwrenching situation, and it is also apparent you are a devoted husband and father willing to try and make the relationship work. It is a losing chain of thought to compare yourself to any other man who might be in the picture because it is not about him or who he is, but about your wife choosing to leave or not work on the marriage.

If your wife has baggage and unresolved problems from her past (which she does from what you describe, and you are perceptive to make that link to them affecting negatively your current marriage) then no man in the world can fix that for her, she has to do her own homework in terms of counseling and personal growth. You could be the most perfect man in the world and if she doesn't work on her stuff, then relationship is not going to work.

It sounds like you have a lot to offer a relationship, and she is choosing to walk away, that is not a reflection on you at all, even though it feels very personal. It it crazymaking to try and make sense of it because it does not and you just exhaust yourself in the process.

Even if you and your wife part, you will always be the father to your daughter, and it sounds like that is an important relationship to you as well. Even if you live apart, you can have a strong, nurturing, close bond with her, keep an eye on that. Also if it is something you are up for, talk to an attorney about positive custody arrangements for you, so you can have as much time with your daughter as possible, and it is also an option these days for a man to have primary custody. There are attorneys who specialize in "dad's rights" which you may want to explore.

[brokenhearteddad]

Thank you for your posts and advice.
Our marriage was pretty good before our daughter was born. I asked her if it were possible that she could have some post partum depression and she said that she is not going to the Dr or to see anyone. I thought she may have had some hormone issues after the birth, but she said that she felt the way she felt and that was that. I too have no respect for this other man that started talking to my wife who is half her age. She obviously put off some signs that she was available, but he knew she was newly married with a small child. He has no character and frankly neither does she. I would guess that she will have the same issues with this guy and will try crawling back to me when the grass isn't any greener. I have had a very tough time getting over this and have met some new people and been on some dates, but my heart is still with her and I miss and think of her constantly. As bad as she has treated me, I am puzzled at how I can still want her like I do. I am a good looking, in shape, genuine, funny guy who does not have a problem meeting people or finding dates. I feel guilty even talking to anyone now because our marriage is not even final. I hope this doesn't sound bad, but this guy she left me for is not even in the same league as I am. I will take as much advice as you can dish.
Thanks

[miu]

Originally Posted by brokenhearteddad

My wife & I have been married 1 year, together 2. After our daughter was born (11mo ago),

She is 24,

You married her only after one year of dating her. You got engaged and married way too soon. And imo also too young to be married and have a baby already. Was the baby planned? Imo, a couple needs to have a chance to bond as a couple for several years before having a baby. Once the baby arrives, the romantic mood gets lost quickly amid the diaper changes, the feedings and the baby crying in the middle of the night.

Do you both have decent fulltime jobs? Who now takes care of your baby? I think that part of the problem is that your wife enjoys being at work and feeling like an independent adult. Then she comes home to the baby and is thinking that her fun life is over. I was just listening to a radio show on NPR on how lives change for couples after having kids. Kids are a ton of work and need constant tending, plus cost money.

I guess, maybe see if your families can help you out with the baby care and take the baby one night a week so you and your wife can have some quality couple time.

[MainStreet]

Originally Posted by brokenhearteddad

Thank you for your posts and advice.
Our marriage was pretty good before our daughter was born. I asked her if it were possible that she could have some post partum depression and she said that she is not going to the Dr or to see anyone. I thought she may have had some hormone issues after the birth, but she said that she felt the way she felt and that was that. I too have no respect for this other man that started talking to my wife who is half her age. She obviously put off some signs that she was available, but he knew she was newly married with a small child. He has no character and frankly neither does she. I would guess that she will have the same issues with this guy and will try crawling back to me when the grass isn't any greener. I have had a very tough time getting over this and have met some new people and been on some dates, but my heart is still with her and I miss and think of her constantly. As bad as she has treated me, I am puzzled at how I can still want her like I do. I am a good looking, in shape, genuine, funny guy who does not have a problem meeting people or finding dates. I feel guilty even talking to anyone now because our marriage is not even final. I hope this doesn't sound bad, but this guy she left me for is not even in the same league as I am. I will take as much advice as you can dish.
Thanks

I know it's hard not to want to find a replacement, but someone needs to be a parent here. Until there is a divorce and child custody is established, it would be best NOT to date. If I was a family court judge, I would question any parent that has a new relationship "lined up" before the marriage is dissolved. You don't need a date, you need to be a dad and if she is making that difficult, start with your local library, rather than date, start taking books home on divorced parents, children of divorce, child development etc. You have a lot of work to do and it has nothing to do with your love life.

[brokenhearteddad]

The baby was not planned and was too soon. She did not tell me until recently that she was resentful when she found out we were pregnant and thought it would go away so she didn't tell me. She thought when the baby was born, it would be good. We were excited when the baby was born and had been good parent to be and were really excited. She said her feelings changed when our daughter was born and kept it inside and didn't want to go to the Dr. to see if it was postpartum depression.
We did work decent jobs and in fact we had a girl from my work babysit so we could go out on dates to spend time together. My wife is independent and was in a relationship before me where her B/F would not let her have a car because she would leave him. I understood that and did not put any pressure on her to quit her job because I knew about that. I offered to get a new job, but she said she would quit hers and go to school online at home.

In my opinion, with the baby coming so soon, we did miss an important stage of our relationship, learning how to communicate with eachother. I tried everything to get her to work on our relationship, but she made up her mind long ago. We have been separated 2 months and even though I stay busy and go out, she consumes my every thought as does my daughter. This is far tougher than I ever dreamed.

[miu]

One extreme thought is to place your baby up for adoption. And it's not because you don't love your baby, but more that it seems like you and your wife aren't ready to collectively put in a strong parental effort into raising the baby. Then go back to work on your marriage and be diligent with your birth control methods this time. And in putting up your baby for adoption, you will make a childless couple very happy. At least think about it for a few moments. As I've said before, my boyfriend's mom and her siblings were all adopted as babies and had a wonderful and loving upbringing by their adopting parents.

And no, just because you are better looking and more charming than this other man, doesn't mean that you are better able to make your wife feel good about herself. But maybe it's in part because you and the baby represent the motherhood she doesn't want now.

[Dave1215]

I have not words of wisdom, but do want to commend you for wanting to make the marriage work and for the willingness to quit the job and work McD's so you have have the time back.

Good luck!