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I am a young woman (20s) who is still trying to get dating right. The following is what I've learned in dating so far. If anything seems incorrect, please tell me why. I really don't want to make anymore mistakes...why make mistakes when they can be avoided by knowledge?
Firstly, I never believed the advice that you shouldn't sleep with a man on the first date (unless you WANT it to be a one-night stand). But now, I'm a believer.
Every single man I slept with on the first date I either never saw again, or it developed into a friends with benefits deal.
When I waited until the second or third date, it developed into a short relationship (lasting 3-6 months).
However, on the few occasions that I've said "no, no, no" and didn't sleep with a man for a very long time...they literally said they wanted to marry me. One man crushed hard on me for two years and I didn't let him touch me (not even so much as a kiss), but when I finally did, he was in love. That relationship lasted many years, until *I* finally broke it off.
All of this cannot just be a coincidence...all these different men. Only one man didn't follow the pattern and disappeared after no sex on the second date, but I believe that is because he never really wanted me that much anyhow. If he had wanted me harder, he would have waited.
Therefore, is it sound advice to myself to say...if you really want the man for the long term, don't let him touch you AT ALL for at least 6 months to 2 years (depending on how long you estimate he'll try for you)? To me, it seems like if you truly make a man's heart beat fast from the moment he sees you, he won't give up so easily.
I also wonder what other women's data is. Does your dating life generally follow the same pattern regarding how early or late you slept with a man, and how long he stuck around?
Secondly, I also never believed that a man should treat me special at all. I was a strong believer in equality and not being treated special just because I'm female. Now I know that's also foolishness. OF COURSE you should be treated special because you're female...in my experience.
The men who complimented me at every turn, bought me gifts, bought me several dinners, and generally invested effort and money into taking care of me, stuck around the longest.
The men who invested little to nothing were one-offs and friends with benefits.
Whoever gives more, cares more.
Is it good advice to watch a man and see how much he gives to you time and energy-wise, how much he spends on you, etc.?
Thirdly, I have also noticed that if a man truly loves you, then nothing else matters. If something else matters, he never loved you deeply enough.
For example, one man left me when I told him that I had been in a threesome. But the men who stayed with me the longest, even though they didn't exactly like it...they didn't let it tear us apart. The love was like a strong tape where it was hard for even that to pry them away.
Any man who leaves because he doesn't like something you do/did, never loved you anyway. And that includes if you cheat. This isn't my personal experience, but I had a friend who was cheating on her boyfriend of several years and he was well aware of it. But he tolerated it. I'm NOT saying that strong love gives you license to cheat and do whatever, but I AM saying that strong love means stuff like that isn't the end. I was actually kind of in awe of my friend's relationship, because not many relationships can withstand cheating, and he acted like it was just a part of their relationship.
Is this good advice, or is it off the mark? If so, why?
Those are the three MAJOR things I've learned, along with a bunch of little lessons...like don't be fake, don't lie, etc.
Honest feedback is appreciated, as it only helps me!
If your goal as a woman is a Long-Term relationship, I don't recommend sleeping with a man until you know what kind of guy he is.
Can you feel safe / comfortable around him?
Is he needy?
Is he insecure?
Is he emotionally and financially stable?
Does he understand how to treat a woman?
Is he still in love with his ex?
It is up to the two people talking to navigate these issues. I think waiting 6 months is extreme. Usually sex is "appropriate" after the third date or so. You should be able to weed out the crazies by then.
The point is; both men and women need to qualify for long-term compatibility. If your goal is just a fling, by all means do the one night stand thing. Have fun!
Unless you started dating at birth one relationship could NOT have lasted "many years" before you broke it off.
Fix your time line, get your ages straight then "maybe" someone will believe you are experienced enough to think about advice you may be giving.
Started at 15. This counts ALL of my relationships since then. Your assumptions are weird ("many years" needn't necessarily mean a decade or something ridiculous), and your reading comprehension skills need work, because this advice is for myself, not for other people. Based on the fact that you didn't actually correct anything, I doubt you have much to contribute to this discussion anyhow.
I didn't either, before, but shouldn't one do what works? I guess it depends on whether one values principle or effectiveness more.
But that's exactly what you seem to be advocating: withholding sex to keep a man interested. I'm not sure how that is more morally-upright to use men, than to simply having sex because you both want to get laid and have good chemistry.
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