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I'm just trying to get a lot of opinions on a matter thats been eating away at me for a while. I would really appreciate your sensitivity, as I am still in a place of hurt and confusion right now. Also, I hope I am doing this whole forum thing correctly.
I just need to talk/opinions/closure/clarification...what have you. This will be a little long, I want to give you a thorough understanding of what I went through so I can get the best advice.
My now ex-boyfriend and I were together from May 2014 - May 2015. Before I dated him, I had just come out of a previously poisonous on and off again relationship, and wasn't looking to date anyone. My friend recommended him to me. Lets call him James. I didn't want to date James initially because I was still really guarded and hurt from the last relationship. I am very careful who I give my heart to, but when I do, I am fully committed (I'm 23 and have only ever had two real relationships, if that helps you understand how serious I am). My friend told me not to lose out on something great because I was hurt over the previous relationship. So I went on a date with him. I wasnt initally attracted, but her grew on me, because he was so thoughtful, loving, and genuine (or so I thought). I let my guard down and let James in, after explaining to him how hard it was for me. To sum up the relationship after that, everything was wonderful. He obsessed over me, brought me flowers, showed up at my job when I was getting out just so he could see me, held me, told me he would take care of me, slow danced with me randomly without music...the kind of things you read about in books or see in movies. My friends loved him, and were thankful that I found someone who treated me how I deserve to be treated. James claimed to love me. I had never been treated so wonderfully by a man before.
Christmas comes and everything is fine. Feb/March he becomes distant. Snaps at me, isn't as affectionate. Wasn't really thankful for anything I did for him. Seems annoyed to take me out for Valentines day even though he suggested it. Gets mad when I give my opinion even when I'm being non confrontational. We never fought, maybe bickered, but never had a substantial fight. I didnt change. I still loved him and took care of him. Brought him coffee in the wee hours of the night just to show I cared...He had a very demanding college major--lots of all nighters. I really thought he was acting odd from being stressed and tired from school.
May 2015, a week before my birthday, claims to be making big plans for my birthday/our one year anniversary. Instead, he breaks up with me, two days before my birthday. Out of the blue. Just sort of jumbled "its not you its me, were moving in different directions" generic type reasons. We never fought, never discussed any issues or thoughts about the future. It wasn't any more substantial of a reason than "I dont want to date anymore, bye!" He doesnt believe he was the right person for me, and that he didnt feel the same about our relationship(I found this out later). This coming from the man who was obsessed with me a few months earlier. How could you change your mind so fast?
About three months later hes dating a busty blonde girl and claims to love her, totally the opposite of anyone he has dated before (he liked artsy, classic types, this girl looks like your typical club girl, not trashing on her). My friends are just as surprised. They didnt think he was like this either. Its like hes a totally different person. How can you claim to love one girl in May and then another in August/September? I have been thrown through the biggest loop emotionally and I just want to understand a few things...not just for my own closure, but for my future relationships.
When someone walks out of my life, I let them go and I dont contact them unless I absolutely need to. The I didnt contacted him post break up, until I found out he was dating someone else so quickly (a friend had told me, and I wanted to know if he cheated on me). He says he didnt, and that he'll be very happy for me when I find someone myself.
I just cant believe that. It took him forever to ask me out because he was scared and "wanted to do it right." Now hes jumped into a relationship so quickly with someone who appears to be the totally opposite, and calls it love within less than a month. Plus hes rather loud about it on social media -- which Im also surprised. He was loud about me on social media too...but his friends and family knew me, and how obsessed and loving he was with me...I dont understand why he doesnt think he looks trashy posting about some new girl, in the same way, so quickly.
I hate him. I opened myself up to him and he suddenly dropped me like a toy he was bored with. I dont want him back, I just wish I understood a few things:
Did he ever really love me?
Is this girl a rebound?
Do you think he really wants me to move on? Im assuming he does...it just doesnt make sense. If what we had wasnt love, then I dont know what love is. If I could conjure up an opinion, I think we got passed the honeymoon stage of the relationship, things started to take more work and weren't perfect butterfly flowery goodness anymore, and he wasnt having any of it, so he dropped me, like a toy he got bored with, and has now found a new one. Never thought he was that kind of guy.
How do I prevent myself from dating guys like this? (the hot and cold kind). I ended up dating the same kind of jerk from my previous poisonous relationship, and I didn't even know it.
Also...do you think he will be back? I couldnt bear it if he tried to come back into my life. I would likely say some terrible things to him...and I dont even want to waste my breath. I might not be able to control myself, but I am hurt, and I hate him. I can wait to be indifferent, but right now, I hate him.
Maybe he loves the thrill of new relationships. Not much you can do about that. It doesn't sound like he will come back. If you keep dating the same type of guy & having the same problems, then maybe look at your role in all of this. Take some time to get to know yourself & don't rush into relationships.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, but know that there are some quality guys out there.
It's no use trying to figure out what went through his head. My view is that he is unstable emotionally and immature. It's a waste of time asking for closure when he doesn't know why he did it .
I think you need some time to work on yourself. Because you keep attracting these guys, the problem is you OP. Your next relationship is going to be the same if you don't change.
He was your rebound and you were using him to make yourself feel better.
Quote:
My now ex-boyfriend and I were together from May 2014 - May 2015. Before I dated him, I had just come out of a previously poisonous on and off again relationship, and wasn't looking to date anyone. My friend recommended him to me. Lets call him James. I didn't want to date James initially because I was still really guarded and hurt from the last relationship. I am very careful who I give my heart to, but when I do, I am fully committed (I'm 23 and have only ever had two real relationships, if that helps you understand how serious I am). My friend told me not to lose out on something great because I was hurt over the previous relationship. So I went on a date with him. I wasnt initally attracted, but her grew on me, because he was so thoughtful, loving, and genuine (or so I thought). I let my guard down and let James in, after explaining to him how hard it was for me. To sum up the relationship after that, everything was wonderful. He obsessed over me, brought me flowers, showed up at my job when I was getting out just so he could see me, held me, told me he would take care of me, slow danced with me randomly without music...the kind of things you read about in books or see in movies.
This is called love bombing, look the word up. In the beginning they do it to win you over. You also told him you had a bad breakup, giving him the chance to win you fast.
He may or he may not come back. He may have cheated on you with the other girl or maybe he didn't. You are asking the wrong questions. Really why do you still care? You can attract much better guys once you work on yourself and get over the victim mentality.
I'm just trying to get a lot of opinions on a matter thats been eating away at me for a while. I would really appreciate your sensitivity, as I am still in a place of hurt and confusion right now. Also, I hope I am doing this whole forum thing correctly.
I just need to talk/opinions/closure/clarification...what have you. This will be a little long, I want to give you a thorough understanding of what I went through so I can get the best advice.
My now ex-boyfriend and I were together from May 2014 - May 2015. Before I dated him, I had just come out of a previously poisonous on and off again relationship, and wasn't looking to date anyone. My friend recommended him to me. Lets call him James. I didn't want to date James initially because I was still really guarded and hurt from the last relationship. I am very careful who I give my heart to, but when I do, I am fully committed (I'm 23 and have only ever had two real relationships, if that helps you understand how serious I am). My friend told me not to lose out on something great because I was hurt over the previous relationship. So I went on a date with him. I wasnt initally attracted, but her grew on me, because he was so thoughtful, loving, and genuine (or so I thought). I let my guard down and let James in, after explaining to him how hard it was for me. To sum up the relationship after that, everything was wonderful. He obsessed over me, brought me flowers, showed up at my job when I was getting out just so he could see me, held me, told me he would take care of me, slow danced with me randomly without music...the kind of things you read about in books or see in movies. My friends loved him, and were thankful that I found someone who treated me how I deserve to be treated. James claimed to love me. I had never been treated so wonderfully by a man before.
Christmas comes and everything is fine. Feb/March he becomes distant. Snaps at me, isn't as affectionate. Wasn't really thankful for anything I did for him. Seems annoyed to take me out for Valentines day even though he suggested it. Gets mad when I give my opinion even when I'm being non confrontational. We never fought, maybe bickered, but never had a substantial fight. I didnt change. I still loved him and took care of him. Brought him coffee in the wee hours of the night just to show I cared...He had a very demanding college major--lots of all nighters. I really thought he was acting odd from being stressed and tired from school.
May 2015, a week before my birthday, claims to be making big plans for my birthday/our one year anniversary. Instead, he breaks up with me, two days before my birthday. Out of the blue. Just sort of jumbled "its not you its me, were moving in different directions" generic type reasons. We never fought, never discussed any issues or thoughts about the future. It wasn't any more substantial of a reason than "I dont want to date anymore, bye!" He doesnt believe he was the right person for me, and that he didnt feel the same about our relationship(I found this out later). This coming from the man who was obsessed with me a few months earlier. How could you change your mind so fast?
About three months later hes dating a busty blonde girl and claims to love her, totally the opposite of anyone he has dated before (he liked artsy, classic types, this girl looks like your typical club girl, not trashing on her). My friends are just as surprised. They didnt think he was like this either. Its like hes a totally different person. How can you claim to love one girl in May and then another in August/September? I have been thrown through the biggest loop emotionally and I just want to understand a few things...not just for my own closure, but for my future relationships.
When someone walks out of my life, I let them go and I dont contact them unless I absolutely need to. The I didnt contacted him post break up, until I found out he was dating someone else so quickly (a friend had told me, and I wanted to know if he cheated on me). He says he didnt, and that he'll be very happy for me when I find someone myself.
I just cant believe that. It took him forever to ask me out because he was scared and "wanted to do it right." Now hes jumped into a relationship so quickly with someone who appears to be the totally opposite, and calls it love within less than a month. Plus hes rather loud about it on social media -- which Im also surprised. He was loud about me on social media too...but his friends and family knew me, and how obsessed and loving he was with me...I dont understand why he doesnt think he looks trashy posting about some new girl, in the same way, so quickly.
I hate him. I opened myself up to him and he suddenly dropped me like a toy he was bored with. I dont want him back, I just wish I understood a few things:
Did he ever really love me?
Is this girl a rebound?
Do you think he really wants me to move on? Im assuming he does...it just doesnt make sense. If what we had wasnt love, then I dont know what love is. If I could conjure up an opinion, I think we got passed the honeymoon stage of the relationship, things started to take more work and weren't perfect butterfly flowery goodness anymore, and he wasnt having any of it, so he dropped me, like a toy he got bored with, and has now found a new one. Never thought he was that kind of guy.
How do I prevent myself from dating guys like this? (the hot and cold kind). I ended up dating the same kind of jerk from my previous poisonous relationship, and I didn't even know it.
Also...do you think he will be back? I couldnt bear it if he tried to come back into my life. I would likely say some terrible things to him...and I dont even want to waste my breath. I might not be able to control myself, but I am hurt, and I hate him. I can wait to be indifferent, but right now, I hate him.
What do you think?
Read your own post. He was out of the relationship for months before the break up. You saw it, you just didnt believe it. He didnt jump into a new relationship quickly, because he was already out of your relationship, for months.
Listen, some relationships work and some dont. They can be very hurtful. But unless you put yourself out there, you'll never find someone. Life isnt easy. You have to move on, forget him, realize it just wasnt a good match. If it was, he would still be with you. You are young. You'll get over it and find someone new.
Its not "guys like this" that you are dating, its just the wrong guy. When a guy find the right girl, he's here to stay. You just havent found that guy yet. Its not a "type" of guy.
Feb/March he becomes distant. Snaps at me, isn't as affectionate. Wasn't really thankful for anything I did for him. Seems annoyed to take me out for Valentines day even though he suggested it. Gets mad when I give my opinion even when I'm being non confrontational.
I agree that this ^^^ was when he was making up his mind that your relationship was not right for him.
The impending deadline of your birthday/anniversary probably then became a "do or die" moment for him, where he realized that he could either pretend that he was still all in or stop lying to you and to himself. So he "suddenly" broke up with you.
Who knows what he actually was thinking? But sometimes it takes people a while to understand that they really do want to end a relationship, especially when there's nothing egregiously wrong with the relationship, i.e. you "never" argue, have fun together, etc.
Sorry this is still bothering you. It takes time to get over being dumped, but you just have to keep going.
I'm going to guess that he probably met this new girlfriend around the time the two of you started having issues. Maybe they have a class together or something that allowed them to cross paths often. That would explain his rather sudden change in his feelings for you.
At your age, things tend to happen rather quickly.
If the person he is dating seems entirely out of character for him, I wouldn't be surprised to find out the relationship doesn't last very long, not that it matters.
It sounds to me like he didn't know what he wanted and chose to break-up with you for this reason. Unfortunately, this happens a lot in your twenties. It's really a time of exploring and having relationships with different people. You apparently were more vested in this than he was. I actually think you may have dodged a bullet here based on some of the things you said. I'd also take some time to reflect on why it is you're choosing these types of guys and maybe make better choices in the future. Much easier said than done, but you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and I'm sure you'll be fine. I doubt he'll be back, but if he does try to contact you just ignore him.
Last edited by david0966; 10-15-2015 at 08:25 AM..
Maybe, maybe not. You shouldn't scrutinize this so much
Quote:
Do you think he really wants me to move on?
Yes he does. If he says its over, its over. He will not try to win you back as he has clearly moved on & asked you to do the same.
Quote:
How do I prevent myself from dating guys like this? (the hot and cold kind). I ended up dating the same kind of jerk from my previous poisonous relationship, and I didn't even know it.
What do you think?
You have to put your heart on the line & take risks to find true love. Keep dating & you will know how to recognize the red flags early in the relationship so that you can cut losses & run. It will also help you get in touch with yourself & maybe change some things about yourself. The best way to avoid hurt & get over any breakups in future is to cut all contacts from that person, including social media. Keep your focus on your education, career & building a life on your own. These are your biggest safety nets. Sorry you had to go through this pain. People change mind for no reason & someday you might do the same & then you will understand it better. It hurts but you have to put up with it. You couldn't control what happened but you can control what happens next & how quickly you can move on with your life. Don't waste any time or energy thinking or discussing this. Try to distract yourself with other important things in your life.
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