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Old 10-15-2015, 10:45 AM
 
Location: Texas
44,256 posts, read 64,223,092 times
Reputation: 73924

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mvc View Post
Better to educate yourself on a topic before posting and revealing ignorance. What you are describing is not an emotional affair.
Better to go read the posts on the thread before being snarky.

My whole point from the very beginning is that there are very many ways to share sensitive information between people who are not your spouse that undermine and destroy your relationship, but only this emotional affair nonsense gets any press. The rest is just called venting or sharing with friends, etc. And that has been my point from the very beginning. It is a dumb double standard.

Of course I know what it all boils down to. Sexual property. But I also think its dumb to think that the most heinous or greatest threat to your marriage always seems to come from a sexual standpoint. Because that's not true. Americans don't normally break up because of sexual infidelity or potential emotional sexual infidelity. They break up because of the way we treat each other. They break up because we're not on the same team. A breakup because people keep score, people are insensitive and inconsiderate, and people are self absorbed.

You people put this emotional sexual stuff in the forefront because you are so attached to it. But that's not the biggest problem. And that's not where the biggest problems come from. Most threats to a marriage are internal.

That's why I have always said from day one that it's total BS that someone gets mad that somebody cheated on them when the whole time they were being a crappy spouse. Vows are not just sexual vows. They are about honor, cherish, etc. If you are a crappy spouse, you are sure on some shaky high horse accusing someone else of being crappy for having sex with someone else. Because all the vows count EQUALLY. Not just the sex vows.
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Old 10-15-2015, 10:57 AM
 
Location: New Yawk
9,196 posts, read 7,208,181 times
Reputation: 15314
Quote:
Originally Posted by BobCaldwell View Post
Men and women both engage in this but anyone who dismisses it as 'nothing' is probably guilty. We're not children here, folks. We all know the difference between discussing a favorite TV show you enjoy along with a co-worker of the opposite sex, and having long secret chat sessions about personal things ones should share only with one's spouse.

Someone grows bored within the relationship, or was never seriously in it to begin with, but there's financial security or whatever there, so leaving is not an option. This is where those 'innocent' flirtatious messages on FB (or his/her over-protected phone).can become dangerous.

No, chatting with a friend is not at all suspicious or un-trustworthy. It's what you're chatting about that is the issue, and the underlying tone and intent of it all.
I'd even go so far as to say that you can find yourself in dangerous territory without the discussions getting sexual, but you're spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about that person and your interactions. I'll admit that I've been there, and have had to check myself and deliver internal lectures about healthy boundaries.
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Old 10-15-2015, 11:09 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,761,388 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
Better to go read the posts on the thread before being snarky.

My whole point from the very beginning is that there are very many ways to share sensitive information between people who are not your spouse that undermine and destroy your relationship, but only this emotional affair nonsense gets any press. The rest is just called venting or sharing with friends, etc. And that has been my point from the very beginning. It is a dumb double standard.

Of course I know what it all boils down to. Sexual property. But I also think its dumb to think that the most heinous or greatest threat to your marriage always seems to come from a sexual standpoint. Because that's not true. Americans don't normally break up because of sexual infidelity or potential emotional sexual infidelity. They break up because of the way we treat each other. They break up because we're not on the same team. A breakup because people keep score, people are insensitive and inconsiderate, and people are self absorbed.

You people put this emotional sexual stuff in the forefront because you are so attached to it. But that's not the biggest problem. And that's not where the biggest problems come from. Most threats to a marriage are internal.

That's why I have always said from day one that it's total BS that someone gets mad that somebody cheated on them when the whole time they were being a crappy spouse. Vows are not just sexual vows. They are about honor, cherish, etc. If you are a crappy spouse, you are sure on some shaky high horse accusing someone else of being crappy for having sex with someone else. Because all the vows count EQUALLY. Not just the sex vows.
It's really hard to tell WHAT your point is because they absolutely not the same thing, so there can be no double standard.

And it has little to do with "sexual property," which I think you know since your later references to sex contradict that point anyway.

An emotional bond is indeed much stronger than a sexual bond, and "sharing sensitive information" is only one small part of an emotional affair.

If you're giving up time with your spouse to hang out with one particular hen at work, if you're hiding or downplaying your interactions with her, if you begin to rely on that hen for emotional support, then you're doing a LOT more than venting.
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Old 10-15-2015, 11:31 AM
 
Location: MA
1,623 posts, read 1,718,454 times
Reputation: 3026
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
An emotional affair isn't only defined by actions, but also, and especially, mutual emotions. It's not about talking about your spouse to others!

Stormy, if your husband is in love or lust with someone who feels the same way, and they are continuing to communicate secretly about their desires and feelings, that is an emotional affair. And it is as old as time.

Something tells me you are asking this because something is going on in your relationship, but you don't want to acknowledge how wrong it is.
Ummm......no you are way off base!!!
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Old 10-15-2015, 11:36 AM
 
8,781 posts, read 9,427,520 times
Reputation: 9548
It's nothing new, It's how we approach intimacy. We have become more directly aware of this as time has gone on, but it is something we all knew regardless of how we defined it or the amount of credibility we personally gave the events that lead up to sexual intimacy.

In the end what matters is the impact as far as the affects on your realtionship.

Some will take the "no sharing allowed" approach to avoid it completely and protect the relationship.
Other will take the "big boy" approach and handle things independently of the relationship to their own personal desecrations.

The each approach has its own dangers and downsides as well as benefits and upsides.
It's up to type of realtionship and the people involved to decide what works best for them.

I will say this.
people aware of their actions or not at the time they are taking them KNOW the dangers in sharing their vulnerabilities with others. THIS is the antithesis of any affair, emotional or otherwise.

Opening yourself for others is ASKING for further intimacy wih those you involve in the process. That is YOUR responsibility to guard when entering in to committed situations. Nobody else can do this for you. You and only you can make the choice of who to share and open your vunrable side to.

Last edited by rego00123; 10-15-2015 at 12:01 PM..
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Old 10-15-2015, 11:39 AM
 
6,304 posts, read 8,993,311 times
Reputation: 8149
Quote:
Originally Posted by stormynh View Post
All of a sudden every vanilla person is whining about emotional affairs are these the current fad thing. It would appear that people don't have enough to complain about in relationships that they had to come up with something new to get all upset about....good grief. If your husband talks to another woman would you claim emotional affair now?
Those darn vanillas.

Do those in "alternative lifestyles" really have more enlightenment?

IMO, what this all comes down to is what is acceptable to the particular people within the relationship. In my case, if my partner were to get involved with another person to an extent that his emotions and affections are deflected from me, we will have a problem. At the outset, we agreed on a monogamous relationship, and were on the same page will all that entailed. He certainly doesn't have to sleep with another person in order to violate our agreement regarding our relationship.

Certainly, he can speak with whomever he wants- as can I. It becomes an issue when that talking crosses the line to emotional involvement which excludes the other partner.

If someone else doesn't "get it", no skin off my back. I personally don't see greener grass in their pasture.
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Old 10-15-2015, 12:03 PM
 
507 posts, read 441,696 times
Reputation: 1154
An emotional affair is sharing non-physical intimacies with a third party that are normally shared only between two partners in a monogamous relationship. There is also an element of drawing support from the person that you should be getting from your partner, and--this is important--an underlying sexual tension, whether you acknowledge it or not.

As showing is often better than telling, watch Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle. Robert Benchley and Dorothy Parker have one of the biggest emotional affairs of all time.
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Old 10-15-2015, 12:07 PM
 
35,095 posts, read 51,109,197 times
Reputation: 62664
What is a "vanilla" person?
An affair is an affair from emotional to staying married and moving in with ones boyfriend.
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Old 10-15-2015, 12:18 PM
 
Location: Ocean Shores, WA
5,092 posts, read 14,803,950 times
Reputation: 10865
An "Emotional Affair" is just a "Sexual Affair" with no orgasm.
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Old 10-15-2015, 12:36 PM
 
Location: Texas
44,256 posts, read 64,223,092 times
Reputation: 73924
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
It's rea

If you're giving up time with your spouse to hang out with one particular hen at work, if you're hiding or downplaying your interactions with her, if you begin to rely on that hen for emotional support, then you're doing a LOT more than venting.
Omg. I have seen people do this with their families (mothers, siblings), tennis groups, work/drinking buddies, etc. Lie about where/why they are somewhere, downplay what goes on (anything from giving money to sharing secrets, etc,), and outright neglecting their marriage in favor of some other social group/structure/person.
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