Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 10-15-2015, 10:48 AM
 
36,224 posts, read 30,664,456 times
Reputation: 32498

Advertisements

Quote:
I don't get it. Can anyone please explain the mindset of a withholder?
I dont think I know anyone who maliciously withholds sex. I have heard the "hes not getting any tonite" out of anger over some real or perceived wrong.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 10-15-2015, 10:48 AM
 
37,494 posts, read 45,798,776 times
Reputation: 56996
Just...wow.
OP must be an extremely sheltered person to think that relationships and sex are that simplistic.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-15-2015, 11:09 AM
 
388 posts, read 381,382 times
Reputation: 289
It's never that simple. I' am sick of the self help advice about keeping the sex alive, as if sex was the most important thing in a LTR. As a guy it is secondary to being kind and understanding. There's so much going on in the modern life, you can't just snap your fingers and say let's get it on. Both have to be in the right mood etc

Also, a relationship with lots of sex doesn't necessarily make that a good relationship.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-15-2015, 11:15 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,126 posts, read 107,381,087 times
Reputation: 115942
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
Hi,

I always wonder about relationships with lack of sex.

So many couples would be WAY more happy, if one of them wouldn't withhold sex.

Why can't you guys just spread your legs for 10 minutes 1-2x per week ... or for men - get it up to make the other person happy?

It doesn't hurt, it doesn't cost money, it doesn't make fat.

Why not do it and make the other person happy? Even if it is a chore for you and you are not into it (anymore), why can't you take one for the team and save your relationship with it?


So many people complain to be in a sexless relationship. They would be super happy to get laid once a week. Why do you guys rather live with an unhappy partner as putting out??

I had a friend who got mad when her husband watched porn. I said "if you don't want to sleep with him, you can be happy it is just porn and not another woman! He DESERVES to get laid!" She just didn't feel like it and said it is no fun, and if they do it, he is done after 3 minutes. So?? Maybe he would get better if they had regular sex. At least he would be happier!! Which in turn makes her happier ... RIGHT??


I don't get it. Can anyone please explain the mindset of a withholder?
The answer to the boldled is the underlined, for women. There can be huge psychological/emotional fallout from being used as a blowup doll without getting your own needs met, or even any affection. As for men who withold sex, there can be a variety of reasons; they're self-conscious about difficulties performing, or they don't find their wife attractive any more, or their T has bottomed out, so they can't get interested.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-15-2015, 11:27 AM
 
Location: USA
3,156 posts, read 3,340,450 times
Reputation: 5367
I never understood the mindset of someone withholding sex. Then again, I've never been in a LTR so I can't say.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-15-2015, 11:30 AM
 
Location: SoCal again
20,707 posts, read 19,880,600 times
Reputation: 43031
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
Just curious, have you ever had sex with someone who wasn't really into it but was just being dutiful?
no. I wish they were. I had two sexless relationships and if he would have done the deed 2x per week, all other issues would have felt much smaller.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-15-2015, 11:35 AM
 
Location: SoCal again
20,707 posts, read 19,880,600 times
Reputation: 43031
Quote:
Originally Posted by newdixiegirl View Post


Theoretically, OP, you aren't wrong. Theoretically. Your prescription sounds great.

As many of us know, however, what we learned in college, though theoretically accurate, often doesn't match what we experience day-to-day, week to week, month to month, year after year, in a long career.

Have you been in a long relationship, OP (> 10 years)? Do you have the added responsibilities of kids on top of a demanding job that may include long hours and international travel? Do you have family around to help? Have you gone for months, perhaps years, averaging 4 or 5 hours of sleep per night (this scenario is not uncommon in families with young children)? Do you, perhaps, have a child with special needs? Are you caring for an ailing parent or parents?

I could go on, but suffice to say that even one of these factors over a long period of time can negatively affect one's sex life, let alone the cumulative impact of all of these factors and maybe more. For years.
I don't talk about the people who have young kids, or care of parents.


I am talking about normal people with normal schedules, weekends off, etc. etc.

People who come here and complain about their spouse for example.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-15-2015, 11:38 AM
 
Location: SoCal again
20,707 posts, read 19,880,600 times
Reputation: 43031
Quote:
Originally Posted by UnaWilde View Post
It's never that simple. I' am sick of the self help advice about keeping the sex alive, as if sex was the most important thing in a LTR. As a guy it is secondary to being kind and understanding. There's so much going on in the modern life, you can't just snap your fingers and say let's get it on. Both have to be in the right mood etc

Also, a relationship with lots of sex doesn't necessarily make that a good relationship.
no, but sex is part of the basics. If the sex sucks or isnt' there and one person needs it to be happy, the relationship is unsatisfying for that person. In turn that person gets grouchy, feels undesired and unattractive, gets insecure, .... and turns into a not happy person and this hurts the relationship.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-15-2015, 11:41 AM
 
35,095 posts, read 51,103,864 times
Reputation: 62664
Oh brother, a lot of assumptions and honestly not worth the time I have already wasted and will never get back.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-15-2015, 11:48 AM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,901 posts, read 42,622,264 times
Reputation: 42767
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
no. I wish they were. I had two sexless relationships and if he would have done the deed 2x per week, all other issues would have felt much smaller.
I'm sympathetic, because I've gone through it too. My husband went to school on top of working overtime at his job, and he would often be too distracted and fretting about things to be in the mood at all. I took over all the household chores and most of the parenting duties so he could focus. I am definitely a proponent of keeping the home fires burning, but I also know when to wait it out. I do not enjoy myself without the element of desire.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 10:14 AM.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top