Why not just put out for a happy LTR? (man, love, young)
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I don't get it. Can anyone please explain the mindset of a withholder?
I dont think I know anyone who maliciously withholds sex. I have heard the "hes not getting any tonite" out of anger over some real or perceived wrong.
It's never that simple. I' am sick of the self help advice about keeping the sex alive, as if sex was the most important thing in a LTR. As a guy it is secondary to being kind and understanding. There's so much going on in the modern life, you can't just snap your fingers and say let's get it on. Both have to be in the right mood etc
Also, a relationship with lots of sex doesn't necessarily make that a good relationship.
I always wonder about relationships with lack of sex.
So many couples would be WAY more happy, if one of them wouldn't withhold sex.
Why can't you guys just spread your legs for 10 minutes 1-2x per week ... or for men - get it up to make the other person happy?
It doesn't hurt, it doesn't cost money, it doesn't make fat.
Why not do it and make the other person happy? Even if it is a chore for you and you are not into it (anymore), why can't you take one for the team and save your relationship with it?
So many people complain to be in a sexless relationship. They would be super happy to get laid once a week. Why do you guys rather live with an unhappy partner as putting out??
I had a friend who got mad when her husband watched porn. I said "if you don't want to sleep with him, you can be happy it is just porn and not another woman! He DESERVES to get laid!" She just didn't feel like it and said it is no fun, and if they do it, he is done after 3 minutes. So?? Maybe he would get better if they had regular sex. At least he would be happier!! Which in turn makes her happier ... RIGHT??
I don't get it. Can anyone please explain the mindset of a withholder?
The answer to the boldled is the underlined, for women. There can be huge psychological/emotional fallout from being used as a blowup doll without getting your own needs met, or even any affection. As for men who withold sex, there can be a variety of reasons; they're self-conscious about difficulties performing, or they don't find their wife attractive any more, or their T has bottomed out, so they can't get interested.
Theoretically, OP, you aren't wrong. Theoretically. Your prescription sounds great.
As many of us know, however, what we learned in college, though theoretically accurate, often doesn't match what we experience day-to-day, week to week, month to month, year after year, in a long career.
Have you been in a long relationship, OP (> 10 years)? Do you have the added responsibilities of kids on top of a demanding job that may include long hours and international travel? Do you have family around to help? Have you gone for months, perhaps years, averaging 4 or 5 hours of sleep per night (this scenario is not uncommon in families with young children)? Do you, perhaps, have a child with special needs? Are you caring for an ailing parent or parents?
I could go on, but suffice to say that even one of these factors over a long period of time can negatively affect one's sex life, let alone the cumulative impact of all of these factors and maybe more. For years.
I don't talk about the people who have young kids, or care of parents.
I am talking about normal people with normal schedules, weekends off, etc. etc.
People who come here and complain about their spouse for example.
It's never that simple. I' am sick of the self help advice about keeping the sex alive, as if sex was the most important thing in a LTR. As a guy it is secondary to being kind and understanding. There's so much going on in the modern life, you can't just snap your fingers and say let's get it on. Both have to be in the right mood etc
Also, a relationship with lots of sex doesn't necessarily make that a good relationship.
no, but sex is part of the basics. If the sex sucks or isnt' there and one person needs it to be happy, the relationship is unsatisfying for that person. In turn that person gets grouchy, feels undesired and unattractive, gets insecure, .... and turns into a not happy person and this hurts the relationship.
no. I wish they were. I had two sexless relationships and if he would have done the deed 2x per week, all other issues would have felt much smaller.
I'm sympathetic, because I've gone through it too. My husband went to school on top of working overtime at his job, and he would often be too distracted and fretting about things to be in the mood at all. I took over all the household chores and most of the parenting duties so he could focus. I am definitely a proponent of keeping the home fires burning, but I also know when to wait it out. I do not enjoy myself without the element of desire.
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