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I'm still all mixed up with my ex in certain ways, too, and I hate it. But we have kids and a much longer history together and stuff, it's difficult to untangle it all. I would never...NEVER...check his phone records or email or anything like that.
But like you I know too much. Every date he goes on, every text he gets, every word or thought exchanged, etc. In my case it's because he tells me. He uses me like a therapist to just unload on endlessly about literally every little thought that crosses his mind. And I still live in the same house as him, but my goodness do I want that to change (working on it, there are money issues.)
But no matter what. No matter how lonely he has been, how desperate for contact, how much I care about him as a person (in that, I would like to see you happy but refuse to take responsibility for it anymore way, as though he were a drug addicted relative or something)...no matter even how occasionally lonely or horny I might have been. I have resisted utterly the notion of getting back in bed with him. Every time I consider it, or ask myself if ending the marriage was a mistake, I think about how he has made me feel, some of the cruel things he's said, the shame he has attempted to place on me for the lifestyle I love, mostly out of petty jealousy for my happiness. I think about the bad stuff...and I know, I must never waver or go back.
He says he is a changed man, and for his sake and his future, I hope so. But it's too late for that to matter for us.
OP, figure it out. Either you're with him (as a monogamous, or a poly couple, it doesn't matter) or you are NOT. And then make it all very clear, and STICK TO IT. And stop looking at his texts and stuff, even if you can. That is awful.
Well, that list was designed purely to hurt you, where as your criticism was an attempt to resolve issues. You should be grateful to have such an immature and disfunctional person out of your life. I know detaching is harder than that in reality... but sometimes you need an outside perspective to wake you up to the reality of who he was.
How do you know all this? Because he's told you? You shouldn't be this close with him anymore. His drama is none of your business now... you need to cut contact with him. It's the only way you'll move on.
Why were you ever at his place to begin with? You said you moved out, right?
You say you know you need to move on but you've done nothing to even attempt to do so. You need to figure out what you want first. Do you really want to move on? Because if you did, you wouldn't be doing all this - you wouldn't be in constant contact with him, you wouldn't be going over to his place, you certainly wouldn't be sleeping with him and then being disappointed that he didn't immediately dump his FWB and ask you to marry you again. I know you didn't say that you expected him to propose or anything, but honestly, it comes across as this is what you're deep down hoping for - for some kind of reconciliation. You're divorced. If you know that you need to move on, than start acting like it. Cut ties with him, stop seeing him, stop talking to him, and get a new phone account. It's the only way you will move on. But it seems that you don't want to move on, which means no one here can help you. You know snooping on his phone activity is wrong, but then you shrug, because you don't care. Sorry, but we can't help you if you insist on involving yourself in this drama which will only prolong this break up and cause you more heartache.
Sorry, English is not my first language and I misuse shrug. I meant to say it as a synonym of embarrassed.... you are right all along .... It's not easy to hear and face, this divorce has really broke me in a million pieces and even knowing this will not happen and even if so, probably never work, I haven't fully accepted the reality and yes, I wish we could reconcile.
I probably should erase this thread....and stop wasting people's time reading this to give the advice I know I should follow but.couldn't.
I quit my job in town on Tuesday and am moving 60 miles away, hoping that will ease the pain and help me look forward. 😔
Sorry, English is not my first language and I misuse shrug. I meant to say it as a synonym of embarrassed.... you are right all along .... It's not easy to hear and face, this divorce has really broke me in a million pieces and even knowing this will not happen and even if so, probably never work, I haven't fully accepted the reality and yes, I wish we could reconcile.
I probably should erase this thread....and stop wasting people's time reading this to give the advice I know I should follow but.couldn't.
I quit my job in town on Tuesday and am moving 60 miles away, hoping that will ease the pain and help me look forward. ��
I just wanted to say - you sound strong, and like you're going to be ok.
All your thread was deleted by the time I got here so I never read the details just the title which was enough....I slept with my ex hub too but it was Him in your shoes, thinking it meant that I'd take him back.
It didn't. He just caught me at a bad moment. Divorce sucks.
Your divorce happened really quickly and against your will. It will take you time to truly get him out of your heart. You two didn't even have a separation period!
It is very common for divorcing couples to have momentary lapses or sometimes even a extended play at getting back together. What happened was definitely in the realm of normal. This is part of the reason both parties are supposed to give themselves time to heal before they start dating again. He moved on way too fast.
You're going to have to put this behind you and move on. Don't talk to him for a few months.
Your divorce happened really quickly and against your will. It will take you time to truly get him out of your heart. You two didn't even have a separation period!
It is very common for divorcing couples to have momentary lapses or sometimes even a extended play at getting back together. What happened was definitely in the realm of normal. This is part of the reason both parties are supposed to give themselves time to heal before they start dating again. He moved on way too fast.
You're going to have to put this behind you and move on. Don't talk to him for a few months.
This. ^^^ All of it.
Six months form now, my guess is you'll be singing a different tune, OP. You'll look back and see that you had married a manipulative alcoholic with a raging case of whiskey dick. Not exactly good husband material--or father material. When you realize that he is not the man you thought he was, and that whatever woman he ends up with will have to deal with his deceit, addiction, and verbal abuse, you might just find yourself saying, "Better her than me!"
P.S. Get tested for STDs.
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