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Is it the norm for male significant others to require a lot of listening, sympathy and for lack of a better word, nurture, from their partners, but to be very uncomfortable about providing the same? I'm not inhibited in giving my opinions about things, complaining, or even arguing vociferously with my husband. In some ways, I don't apply much of a filter when I talk to him. But I can't really confide in him at any length about anything that is deeply important to me without him looking as if wants to bolt or as if he is being fed a bad-tasting medicine. Perhaps in retaliation, I've started hiding behind my smartphone and computer, providing short answers to questions, and in short, not giving him my full attention most of the time. Do I need to simply accept that men need much more attention than they can give, and get out of tit-for-tat mode? I know my behavior could be better, but honestly, is it reasonable to expect his to change?
I learned early on with my husband to get to the point with him, start with the "bottom line" and fill in detail afterward. He can't handle and doesn't care about the details of where we were and who was wearing what if he's wondering what I'm getting at.
People do communicate differently, but you can't just let your marriage fester by assuming that he doesn't want to hear you.
Figuring out how to communicate takes a little work but is the subject of a LOT of books etc. You can even have a breakthrough watching a comedian. Years ago when we saw Chris Rock Bigger and Blacker, he had this bit about how every woman has this one woman at her job who drives her crazy. He did a little routine about how to listen to your wife talk about her day and it was hilarious but it was insightful because it addressed the need to feel up heard and understood.
You need to express this to him in a non-confrontational way. The easiest way is to say it like, "I've been feeling like you don't really want to listen to me when I tell you about XXX. It feels to me like you just don't want to be there. Do you know what I mean, or am I way off base?"
Thanks - I'll have to look up that Chris Rock bit!
Yeah, I'm pretty sure my husband isn't terribly interested in what I have to say. He wants me to be well and happy, he is gentle and affectionate, but he doesn't care for emotional babble from me (although he's in touch with his feelings in many areas and will talk about his past, how things affect him emotionally, what he discussed with his therapist, etc.) Yes, he'll listen to stuff like "the car is making a weird noise," and he'll do the male fix-it thing very effectively if it's something he knows how to deal with. Perhaps I simply need to accept his limitations, and not feel less loved because of them. I do know that he loves me.
You need to express this to him in a non-confrontational way. The easiest way is to say it like, "I've been feeling like you don't really want to listen to me when I tell you about XXX. It feels to me like you just don't want to be there. Do you know what I mean, or am I way off base?"
I think (I know) I'm particularly focused on this because today I started to tell him about something that happened in my childhood that has been bothering me recently, and he specifically said he doesn't want to hear it. So getting clarification isn't the issue - he provided it. He also said that if I absolutely needed to talk, he would hear me out. Meh, perhaps I should be happy that he was honest about his wishes, even though his wants and mine didn't happen to align today. I guess that's OK.
Don't know about the norm ... let's go with "not uncommon."
Yeah, although I'm not currently, I've been involved in enough feminist work and I've done enough reading that I should know that this is part of the whole women's unpaid labor thing. If I scrubbed toilets while he ate bonbons, I would know exactly what was going on, lol. I guess I don't want to think that this is what this is. But, you nailed it.
I started to tell him about something that happened in my childhood that has been bothering me recently, and he specifically said he doesn't want to hear it.
Yikes. That is ... harsh.
Is this how he usually does it, or is there some context behind this ^^^ episode?
Do you tend to talk A LOT about what's bothering you?
Is it the norm for male significant others to require a lot of listening, sympathy and for lack of a better word, nurture, from their partners, but to be very uncomfortable about providing the same? I'm not inhibited in giving my opinions about things, complaining, or even arguing vociferously with my husband. In some ways, I don't apply much of a filter when I talk to him. But I can't really confide in him at any length about anything that is deeply important to me without him looking as if wants to bolt or as if he is being fed a bad-tasting medicine. Perhaps in retaliation, I've started hiding behind my smartphone and computer, providing short answers to questions, and in short, not giving him my full attention most of the time. Do I need to simply accept that men need much more attention than they can give, and get out of tit-for-tat mode? I know my behavior could be better, but honestly, is it reasonable to expect his to change?
This is the moment you should have figured out you have issues that need to be addressed between the two of you not posted on an internet forum. Discuss things with him, resolve them together or make the decision to move on from each other and to answer your last question, he will voluntarily change about the time you do......
For me personally, so long as there isn't something on my mind that is really bugging me and I feel is important to me, I'm pretty much always open to listening. But I've always been a good listener.
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