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I am not a psychologist, nor do I play one on the internet. All I have is my experience chatting with people (mostly men, because as a straight woman, that's pretty much my demographic) who tell me that their wife or long term SO doesn't want to have sex with them.
Way more often than not, there's something else going on in the relationship that's causing the lack of sex drive. Whether or not I agree with these men looking in other places for sexual satisfaction, I do tend to chat with them at times. I've spoken with several who had wives go through menopause and apparently have "legitimate issues" with PIV sex. "Well", they say, "why can't she satisfy me in other ways?".
My response is always the same. Have you spoken to her about it, or do you just expect it?
Yes, of course, there are other ways to get off-- but to expect that things will just shift to that because the wife has a "duty" to get her man off? Literally, she's violating the marriage vows by not enthusiastically getting him off in whatever way available? I don't buy it (unless that has been the [i]explicit[i] agreement between the two).
And, yes, when someone has "legitimate issues" with PIV sex-- no matter the gender-- often times with that comes other, more mental, issues. To say, "oh, just use your mouth" discounts those.
Be that as it may-- if someone is hell bent on having their partner get them off sexually, no matter the circumstances, better to get that out in the beginning of the relationship.
"If we are together, I expect that you will get me off sexually. If not, I will want to look outside the relationship for someone who will give me that."
Pretty simple, I think, and completely fair to the other party.
I don't disagree with anything you're saying, but I'll put a finer point on it.
One of the many purposes of marriage is to provide guaranteed sexual access to one single partner - that's why most marriages are monogamous. When one partner chooses to no longer have sex with the other partner, they are not keeping to the marriage promise.
Of course, both partners must treat each other in ways that make the other desire to have sex with them - kindness, respect, love, compassion, affection. Each partner must figure out what makes the other partner tick, what turns them on, what they need to be receiving in the marriage in order to even desire sex. That, too, is vital to a marriage.
But when one partner isn't interested in sex anymore - whatever the reason - it is absolutely unfair for them to say/think "I don't want to have sex anymore, which means you don't get to have sex anymore either!" That is killing the marriage, right there. It is telling the other partner that their needs are no longer important.
When there is a medical issue - and no, I'm not going to define it - that doesn't preclude the partners from being intimate in many, many other ways that don't have to involve intercourse. If the marriage is healthy and strong, if the couple has been treating each other the way they are supposed to, neither party should have issue with giving the other sexual satisfaction. I'm not talking about the "Do it because it's your job" attitude that some spouses have. I'm talking about a loving, committed partnership continuing the physical part of their commitment, even when one is not able to perform as s/he did previously.
If the marriage is not healthy and strong, the sex life falling apart is a symptom, not the disease.
Any partner who demands sex because they can and any partner who refuses sex because they can is not interested in a healthy marriage. If one partner loses interest in sex and refuses all sexual contact, what they are saying to the other partner is "your needs are now meaningless since I am no longer in interested in that part of our life." That is not the action of a loving, giving partner who has been treated well in a marriage.
I deliberately did not use gender in my first post because, believe it or not, there are men out there who deny their wives sex because of their own issues. Your example above, of a wife having to get a man off because it's her duty, is not what I'm talking about. In a healthy marriage a woman would be happy to continue satisfying her partner sexually to the best of her ability, as would a man. If someone is demanding sex from their partner, obviously the marriage is not healthy. If someone is denying sex from their partner, obviously the marriage is not healthy.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Londoncowboy30
Rohypnol LOL
But what if you then find yourself in a vicious roofie circe where you have to utilize it to have sex? The shame of your actions forces you to roofie yourself again in which you don't remember the original sexual incident and therefore finding the need to roofie another victim and once again erase your conscience,effectively forgetting the very action you will drive yourself to do when the effects wear off.
If someone is denying sex from their partner, obviously the marriage is not healthy.
That is the whole point....heal the marriage by fixing the underlying issue, which may be psychological, physical, emotional, etc. Don't just trash a marriage like it is disposable and merely exists as a situation to meet your own personal needs.
To say someone should just decide to get past an obstacle is overly simplistic and naive. They first have to figure out what the obstacle is and HOW to get past it, then apply the necessary steps. That is a lot of work many do not want to do, hence the comparatively easy divorce option.
If you're in a sexless marriage, you two are nothing more than friends who live together. Sex is what makes marriage differ from friendship. Go to therapy. If that isn't an option, you will be on the road to divorce. And you'll be happier, trust me!
But what if you then find yourself in a vicious roofie circe where you have to utilize it to have sex? The shame of your actions forces you to roofie yourself again in which you don't remember the original sexual incident and therefore finding the need to roofie another victim and once again erase your conscience,effectively forgetting the very action you will drive yourself to do when the effects wear off.
Love me some Arrested Development.
Granted it's a last resort BUT if you love your partner enough.......
But then it's starts a new argument off about being selfish....... " with him it's all take take take!! "
If you're in a sexless marriage, you two are nothing more than friends who live together. Sex is what makes marriage differ from friendship. Go to therapy. If that isn't an option, you will be on the road to divorce. And you'll be happier, trust me!
I was in a sexless marriage and we weren't friends in any way, shape or form! OTOH, there are people in sexless marriages who wouldn't have it any other way. You can't make blanket statements like you did. The legal contract is what makes marriage different from friendship. Friends that are sexual often have better sex than people that are married. Therapy is (IMO) a waste of time and money. So is (IMO) divorce. Both are resorted to far too quickly. Both are biased towards the needs and comfort of the women in struggling marriages.
If you're in a sexless marriage, you two are nothing more than friends who live together. Sex is what makes marriage differ from friendship. Go to therapy. If that isn't an option, you will be on the road to divorce. And you'll be happier, trust me!
I'm pretty sure my parents quit having sex a long time ago, and they're still together.
If both parties quit having sex, and are alright with it, then it should be fine.
I'm pretty sure my parents quit having sex a long time ago, and they're still together.
If both parties quit having sex, and are alright with it, then it should be fine.
Pretty much. It's only a problem when one person wants it and the other person can't or won't provide it. If two people are happy and don't miss it, it's no one else's place to say whether they have a "real" marriage.
Assuming we're both healthy, I wouldn't stay married to someone I didn't want to have sex with, or who didn't want to have sex with me. By the time I don't want to have sex with a man, I'm long out of love with him. By the same token, I'm not going to stick around if he no longer loves and wants me.
Unless it's used on you or someone you love. Bad form, guys.
It was firmly tongue in cheek dearest as going by the OPs previous posts I thought it would be obvious jade
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