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I'm not sure why you would think this. My closest friend has been single the entire 6 years that I've known her. And I have other single friends as well. Why would married people not associate with singles not in a relationship?
My personal experiences support what DewDroplet is saying. Here in MA/NH I associate with my married guy friends fairly frequently. There seems to be no overt ostracizing of single people by married people around here. Perhaps this is a cultural phenomenon more prevalent in the south and midwest?
Yeah, I was there at 25 too, but 25 is way different than 45. I mean, I've pretty much missed it and sit here with regrets. No family and very few friends. Just alone. At least she has time on her side.
Sitting around choking on regrets isn't moving forward with your life. Being shy at 45 is also not a plus. You said that Atlanta sucked for dating and couldn't wait to move to OKC. Now it sucks for dating too and you cant wait to move. But until you forgive yourself for the past and let it go, nothing will change. You have to improve your mental state, not just move to a different state.
Sitting around choking on regrets isn't moving forward with your life. Being shy at 45 is also not a plus. You said that Atlanta sucked for dating and couldn't wait to move to OKC. Now it sucks for dating too and you cant wait to move. But until you forgive yourself for the past and let it go, nothing will change. You have to improve your mental state, not just move to a different state.
I'm definitely curious about this too. If he struggled in both Atlanta and Oklahoma City, I don't think the city is the issue. He's the issue. Atlanta and Oklahoma City are large cities. It'd be one thing if he were in a place of less than 20,000 people that was known to marry off early and/or have a large proportion of the small single population be single parents. I highly doubt that changing cities will make a difference for OP.
Sitting around choking on regrets isn't moving forward with your life. Being shy at 45 is also not a plus. You said that Atlanta sucked for dating and couldn't wait to move to OKC. Now it sucks for dating too and you cant wait to move. But until you forgive yourself for the past and let it go, nothing will change. You have to improve your mental state, not just move to a different state.
Atlana sucked because for the last 2 years I was there I was unemployed. I did want a change, and had no idea how bad OKC was or that there were very few singles over the age of 25 here. Maybe shy is the wrong word. I don't approach strangers and just make friends wherever I go (outside of work). Maybe thats more of an introversion thing, I don't know. You are right aout the forgiving myself part. I can't let it go because that was my shot at having a family and I'm mostly to blame for my divorce. I'm over her, but not over the broken dream of having a family.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RJ312
I'm definitely curious about this too. If he struggled in both Atlanta and Oklahoma City, I don't think the city is the issue. He's the issue. Atlanta and Oklahoma City are large cities. It'd be one thing if he were in a place of less than 20,000 people that was known to marry off early and/or have a large proportion of the small single population be single parents. I highly doubt that changing cities will make a difference for OP.
You think Oklahoma City is a large city? No. Atlanta is a large city. Oklahoma county is one of the largest counties in the U.S., meaning those 1.3 million people are very spread out. Not only that, its very clickish here. I can't tell you how many times people asked me why I moved here, as if I must have family here and there was no other reason to move here. Kids move back after college because their parents are here. If people here haven't known you their entire life, they don't need you as a friend. Its so weird. It feels to me like a town of 50,000, which is small. Changing cities with a job like I now have will make all the difference in the world. The unemployment and divorce are what held me back severely in Atlanta.
You think Oklahoma City is a large city? No. Atlanta is a large city. Oklahoma county is one of the largest counties in the U.S., meaning those 1.3 million people are very spread out. Not only that, its very clickish here. I can't tell you how many times people asked me why I moved here, as if I must have family here and there was no other reason to move here. Kids move back after college because their parents are here. If people here haven't known you their entire life, they don't need you as a friend. Its so weird. It feels to me like a town of 50,000, which is small. Changing cities with a job like I now have will make all the difference in the world. The unemployment and divorce are what held me back severely in Atlanta.
Oklahoma City has over 600,000 people. That's a substantial population any way you slice it. There is a pro sports team in Oklahoma City. One that moved from Seattle to be there. Pro sports teams do not put themselves in unreasonably small markets. If you removed one zero and had 60,000 people, I'd consider that pretty small and some more of your viewpoints could be understood.
Some cities are more provincial than others. Some cities take less kindly to transplants. But 600,000 people is a lot of people.
Oklahoma City has over 600,000 people. That's a substantial population any way you slice it. There is a pro sports team in Oklahoma City. One that moved from Seattle to be there. Pro sports teams do not put themselves in unreasonably small markets. If you removed one zero and had 60,000 people, I'd consider that pretty small and some more of your viewpoints could be understood.
Some cities are more provincial than others. Some cities take less kindly to transplants. But 600,000 people is a lot of people.
You can't understand it unless you've lived here. To me, it feels like a clickish small town. Its not for lack of trying, trust me. I've tried, but now I'm just tired of trying and a little depressed. That makes me less social than usual. Anyway, my original post was about finding new hobbies. Rowing is big here, and I just thought of that, but rowing season goes from April-September, so its over. I will do salsa once my back issues get straightened out. Hopefully thats sooner, rather than later, but I have little control over that. Its become a major concern. I now have constant back pain. Doing all I can to fix it.
Looks like people don't really have a lot of ideas, or the ideas that have been suggested I've already tried. I've tried several meetups, for example, and they were disappointing. I could make more of an effort with that, and I will, but don't have high hopes. I'm trying to make the best of a bad situation until I can move. I have age working against me in addition to location, so its very hard.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Date
Hang out with friends, platonic and non platonic
Record dig
Good to beer events / brewery events / fests
Bars (Going alone is cool, always meet people and have people to talk to)
Nature photography
Work out
Read
Hike
Kayak
Alumni events
See bands
Travel (love traveling alone)
There is no shortage of things to do, if anything, the downside of relationships is that you have less time for all the awesome things to do, unless they share a lot of your passions.
Looks like people don't really have a lot of ideas, or the ideas that have been suggested I've already tried. I've tried several meetups, for example, and they were disappointing. I could make more of an effort with that, and I will, but don't have high hopes. I'm trying to make the best of a bad situation until I can move. I have age working against me in addition to location, so its very hard.
Most Meetup groups are a waste of time. Skip the typical generic interest groups (like 20-30s social groups, 30-40s social groups, singles groups, young professionals groups) that do their get togethers at bars. It is a subpar crowd and you are better off in terms of quality of exterior looks going to a bar/club in a hot district of the city. Attractive women have very little need for a gimmicky generic interest group in Meetup. An activity based group (like rowing) would be your only shot of making something in Meetup.
Ever tried a Pilates class? Fitness classes have better sex ratios. That's good. Some women will be married/in relationships and not looking to "monkey branch". Avoid those women. Interact with the single women or women looking for something new. Pilates is meant for physical rehab. Yoga is another option too.
I like salsa dancing in theory, but in less practice, less so. It would have been one thing if you had taken all your lessons before age 25 and had a real good base of hours of practice. But right now, the amount of time that you have available to devote to salsa is limited and in a salsa club on a weekend night, at best your salsa skills will be mediocre and you are not putting yourself in a situation where you can max out showing off your attributes. You are not going to be a Top 10-20% salsa dancer in any club on any night. Excellence in an area is something that women are attracted to. With salsa lessons now, you are devoting something that may or may not pan out in terms of bringing in dating prospects in. I'd have mixed emotions about that course of action.
Date
Hang out with friends, platonic and non platonic
Record dig
Good to beer events / brewery events / fests
Bars (Going alone is cool, always meet people and have people to talk to)
Nature photography
Work out
Read
Hike
Kayak
Alumni events
See bands
Travel (love traveling alone)
There is no shortage of things to do, if anything, the downside of relationships is that you have less time for all the awesome things to do, unless they share a lot of your passions.
Are these things you do or suggestions? This is a difficult city to date in. I've talked about why, so no reason to elaborate again. Friends are hard to come by here as well. I have some, and they are all married. That limits time spent with them. I do go to beer events, usually with coworkers. I hate going to bars alone. I'm an introvert. Same applies to traveling alone. I do read A LOT. Thats fine, but gets old. There's not many places to hike here and no mountains. Not a huge music scene here at all, but I'm always loking for cool cover bands to see. Haven't found them.
Most Meetup groups are a waste of time. Skip the typical generic interest groups (like 20-30s social groups, 30-40s social groups, singles groups, young professionals groups) that do their get togethers at bars. It is a subpar crowd and you are better off in terms of quality of exterior looks going to a bar/club in a hot district of the city. Attractive women have very little need for a gimmicky generic interest group in Meetup. An activity based group (like rowing) would be your only shot of making something in Meetup.
Ever tried a Pilates class? Fitness classes have better sex ratios. That's good. Some women will be married/in relationships and not looking to "monkey branch". Avoid those women. Interact with the single women or women looking for something new. Pilates is meant for physical rehab. Yoga is another option too.
I like salsa dancing in theory, but in less practice, less so. It would have been one thing if you had taken all your lessons before age 25 and had a real good base of hours of practice. But right now, the amount of time that you have available to devote to salsa is limited and in a salsa club on a weekend night, at best your salsa skills will be mediocre and you are not putting yourself in a situation where you can max out showing off your attributes. You are not going to be a Top 10-20% salsa dancer in any club on any night. Excellence in an area is something that women are attracted to. With salsa lessons now, you are devoting something that may or may not pan out in terms of bringing in dating prospects in. I'd have mixed emotions about that course of action.
Well said, all of it. Totally agree, ESPECIALLY on the meetups. Its a nerd herd, it really is. No attractive women and weird guys. Its not just Oklahoma City, but also in Atlanta and other cities. Same thing applies. Thats why I stopped going.
I'm about to try Pilates because I have a bad back, so a legit reason to do it. I've done yoga sporadically. Hate it, but it is good for my back, so I may do it again as well. Good suggestions.
I agree with you on Salsa. I have mixed feelings about it. But I do like Latin women, and if I can just get ok at it, I can go to the Latin clubs. I think they'd be pleasantly surprised to see an American in there who can dance. I could be totally wrong on that though. I'm probably just grasping at straws at this point. I'm hoping I like it because doing it just to meet women does seem like a long shot and a waste of time. I'm conflicted.
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