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Not all Mormons are alike, no more than all Catholics or all Lutherans or all Jews or all agnostics are alike. Some Mormons do only date other Mormons, but your boyfriend is not all that unique in dating non-Mormons, particularly if you live in a part of the country where the Mormon population isn't very large.
If your boyfriend is a practicing Mormon, he believes that set outside of marriage is wrong, and that's all there is to it. He's trying to live his religion, but at 31, he's probably pretty having a pretty hard time doing so. Aside from this, I don't know what exactly it is that you're asking. Did I answer your questions or not?
I agree with this take. I think he is experiencing a lot of internal turmoil around this. He knows premarital sex is wrong (even believes that) but is human and has normal urges. He has convinced himself that if he only goes "so far," he's not really sinning. In a moment of weakness, he has probably gone further than he intended, but probably feels incredibly guilty. I suggest you read "Dirty Little Secret," or watch something about the Jody Arians story. It will provide a lot of insight.
I find it strange that oral sex is fine with him but intercourse isnt. Its all considered fornication anyway you look at it. Wonder what the elders of the mormon church would have to say about all the excuse making and justifications. Isn't sin still called sin in the mormon church? This guy is shady at best and one too many hangups.
I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head. Of course oral sex (outside of marriage) is considered fornication. While I can't fault the guy for wanting to wait till he's married to have sex, he is really, really, really stupid if he thinks that what he is doing by having oral sex instead of intercourse is acceptable by his Church. Even as a Mormon, I think he's got a few screws loose.
I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head. Of course oral sex (outside of marriage) is considered fornication. While I can't fault the guy for wanting to wait till he's married to have sex, he is really, really, really stupid if he thinks that what he is doing by having oral sex instead of intercourse is acceptable by his Church. Even as a Mormon, I think he's got a few screws loose.
But he's never going to have to admit to his family and church elders that he has fathered a child outside of marriage. What people think is a huge motivator for some.
I am confused as well. I have never pushed him into doing it and it never came up until recently about him wanting to stop. He said he has had periods before with girls where he has stopped having sex for a while, but then has it again. Also i know he has slept with a 6 women before me, none of which were Mormon. I love him and i would be willing to wait if that is what he wanted, but i guess i am concerned later on i will find out more things that cause problems in our relationship. I feel like he is ashamed to tell me things and has no reason to be.
I am confused as well. I have never pushed him into doing it and it never came up until recently about him wanting to stop. He said he has had periods before with girls where he has stopped having sex for a while, but then has it again. Also i know he has slept with a 6 women before me, none of which were Mormon. I love him and i would be willing to wait if that is what he wanted, but i guess i am concerned later on i will find out more things that cause problems in our relationship. I feel like he is ashamed to tell me things and has no reason to be.
Here's the thing: even if you are OK with him being Mormon, at some point he is likely not going to be OK with you being agnostic. Conversion is built in to his belief system.
Hi, I spent ages 17-36 as a die hard Mormon. Here's what's probably up with your boyfriend:
He wants sex but the church brainwashes people instilling guilt in them for having sex outside marriage. Premarital sex is regarded as a sin equally serious as murder. Yes, that is in Mormon scripture. Mormons suffer a lot of sexual repression & guilt because of this.
Your boyfriend was born into this belief system but he admitted he'd be agnostic like you if he hadn't been so heavily indoctrinated his whole life.
I can offer a guess why he's 31 and an unmarried Mormon. Deep down he wants to be a free man unencumbered by the expectations placed on Mormon men: marry young & virginal, have babies, provide for family from 20s til death, be churchy and perfect all the time. He's probably not attracted to eligible Mormon gals because they're groomed to be pure & virginal & childlike & boring. Unmarried Mormons are becoming more common these days because frankly not many people want that Leave-it-to-Beaver lifestyle anymore.
Your boyfriend's psyche has likely been damaged by his church. While there are a thousand good things about being Mormon, there are still 500 things that are awful about it. If you care deeply for him, you'll be patient & understanding with him as he figures out who he really is, and how to function in the real world after all the mental warping the church may have caused him.
In the other topic someone linked to, I noticed you said that you and he never talk about his religion. I think it's time you do. Sit down and have a serious conversation about how involved he is in his religion, and how involved his religion is in his life. Mormonism is very much a way of life - my mom was interested in joining when I was kid but my dad wasn't. It was made clear to her that this would be problematic for her to be a member, but not her husband. As a result, she never joined.
You say you love this man - but have you met his parents and his family? What do they think about you not being Mormon? What about his friends? Have you met them, and are they Mormon? My concern is that he is downplaying his religious life to you and right now he is keeping his religious world separate from his dating world because that is what has suited him for his adult life so far. Perhaps it's because he's conflicted about his beliefs. But any longevity of the relationship will be very problematic as it becomes more and more impossible for him to separate the two worlds.
The sex issue is easily explained since you say he's terrified of pregnancy. He enjoys sex and wants to have it, but a pregnancy would be disastrous because he wouldn't be able to keep it secret from his religious world. He's okay "sinning" as long as no one knows about it. If you were to get pregnant, everyone would know and he wouldn't be able to keep his love life separate from his religious life.
@Zelpha I think that is a little exaggerated. It all depends upon his belief. If he still believes in the church he will be conflicted and feel like he is doing something wrong. If he leaves the church and stops believing he will transition just fine. Of course upbringing is influential however it really depends on the person and their personal experience. I come from first hand experience.
I try to ask questions but he seems very guarded about it. I think he is trying to keep the two worlds apart. I feel like from what i know most Mormons are very proud and forthcoming with their beliefs and wanting it to be known to others, but he is the opposite. He is very reserved about it and never brings it up unless i ask. I told him that i am concerned his family won't like me because i am not Mormon and he keeps telling me it is fine and i worry too much about it. I have not yet met his family.
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