I feel stuck in my marriage (cheating, kids, spouse, affair)
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But now that I'm over it, it's just too bad for me? I suppose that is what I get. Karma for being sexually unavailable for so long, now I'm being punished or something.
That's one way to look at it, but it's not a helpful or healthy way.
You've only been married 10 years, and 6 of them you were unavailable. Then you dropped a bomb on him about this other guy.
But I didn't physically cheat, what I did with this other guy wasn't much different then porn. Would you feel the same way knowing your partner was looking at porn?
OP:
Why on earth are you justifying your emotional affair with the other guy?
He was an emotional outlet , not a physical one. A way to vent my sexual frustration without physically compromising anything. I don't really have a choice to stay married or not, since I don't have a very good reason to want to leave. People on and off this board have made it clear that a sexually unsatisfactory marriage is no reason to end things. We have children so mommy has to think about them, not herself, right?
That depends. I think satisfying each other is a very important aspect of marriage, but when it crosses over into acts that your spouse is opposed to or finds degrading... that's when you're faced with a tough decision because it's no longer just about exploring new things together.
But I didn't physically cheat, what I did with this other guy wasn't much different then porn. Would you feel the same way knowing your partner was looking at porn?
But this was more personable than porn.
With porn, you're watching someone from behind a screen. You don't know them. They don't know you. You have no kind of relationship with them, let alone claiming to love them, or being heart-broken over not seeing them or them being married. Totally shallow. And complete fantasy. Like watching tv, and crushing on a celebrity or fiction character.
That's different than talking to someone on the phone, and having an actual back-and-forth relationship where it basically becomes serious to the point one party claims to be in love with the other, and heartbroken at them being unattainable. And you did state you wanted to have sex with him, and would have, but he was the one that stopped it before then. And that's really different, because porn =/= sex or a relationship with another person. This was an actual relationship that you sought out in spite of your husband, and it's only not progressing because the guy is keeping it shut down some.
Last edited by HappyRain; 11-07-2015 at 08:07 PM..
Have you gone to counseling? For yourself, I mean. Having been through some similar stuff myself, my own feeling is that if you've talked about this (your needs/wants and the serious attraction you felt to another man) with your husband and he blows it off as just something for you to suffer with, it doesn't bode well for a marriage. I would think that someone that really loves their spouse would - upon hearing his/her concern and desperation - be asking, "What can we do to fix this?" instead of saying, "Tough...sucks to be you."
An emotional affair isn't about sex. It's about fulfilling an emotional need. That need sometimes comes from sex with your spouse, but it's often something that is lacking and not expressed in general in the relationship. For instance, a husband can - and should - show his wife she's desirable and appreciated outside of the bedroom. Whatever that need is, if you're not getting it at home you'll continue to seek it out elsewhere (as you should!). That you sought out an emotional affair, not a physical one, seems to indicate this isn't really about sex for you. I think you should really examine what it is that you're missing, then tell your husband what he needs to do to give it to you. If he still isn't willing to meet you halfway, well...that's not someone I'd want to be married to.
In the case of my marriage, I decided I'd rather be alone than be with my husband. There are a lot of qualities missing from our relationship, and I know I can't live with that forever. Sure, I don't know if I'll ever get married again (I do hope to), but I know as long as I'm married to him I won't even have a chance to meet someone who will be a good match for me.
I'm not someone who believes that couples should stay together "for the sake of the kids." Kids model their parents, and they know when a relationship isn't happy. Rather than martyring yourself and staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy, I happen to believe it's better to branch out and seek a relationship that makes you happy - whether that's a relationship with yourself only or with a different man. But DO keep the relationship with your ex civil and cooperative. An arrangement like that teaches children a number of important lessons - that women and men both deserve equal amounts of happiness and respect, that it's OK to be alone and an independent, that no one deserves to be abused, that you should appreciate and never take others for granted, and that conflict can be handled maturely and without hate/vengeance.
It sounds like your husband really doesn't understand what his refusal means.
I don't think that's the point. I think that after OP's confession, her husband just refuses to be the "other guy" in bed. He is hurt, he fells betrayed, and now OP want's him to try things she did with her lover?
It's not that they try new tricks they saw on a porn. This was real. OP had an affair. She cannot possibly demand that her husband learn, and continue the ways she had with her lover, just because he ended the affair.
It seems to me that OP didn't try to spicy her love life with her husband before she cheated. Now it's too late.
They should consider counseling, or even divorce.
OP has some nerve!!
I don't think that's the point. I think that after OP's confession, her husband just refuses to be the "other guy" in bed. He is hurt, he fells betrayed, and now OP want's him to try things she did with her lover?
It's not that they try new tricks they saw on a porn. This was real. OP had an affair. She cannot possibly demand that her husband learn, and continue the ways she had with her lover, just because he ended the affair.
It seems to me that OP didn't try to spicy her love life with her husband before she cheated. Now it's too late.
They should consider counseling, or even divorce.
OP has some nerve!!
El, I agree with you however, the affair was an emotional affair with a man she never met in real life, it was mainly sexting and talking on the telephone.
With porn, you're watching someone from behind a screen. You don't know them. They don't know you. You have no kind of relationship with them, let alone claiming to love them, or being heart-broken over not seeing them or them being married. Totally shallow. And complete fantasy. Like crushing on a celebrity.
That's different than talking to someone on the phone, and have an actual back-and-forth relationship where it basically becomes serious to the point one party claims to be in love with the other. And you did state you wanted to have sex with him, and would have, but he was the one that stopped it before then. And that's really different, because porn =/= sex or a relationship with another person.
^^^^^^ This
I agree with this.
This is an example of why I feel that an emotional affair is as damaging as a physical affair.
But now that I'm over it, it's just too bad for me? I suppose that is what I get. Karma for being sexually unavailable for so long, now I'm being punished or something.
It's not karma or punishment, but it's also not all about you. Six years of depression take a toll on the spouse as much as their spouse struggling with depression.
You had an emotional affair with another man, which isn't remotely the same as looking at porn. Feelings aren't just turned on and off like a light switch. There is a history of issues over the course of your marriage and you want your husband to just get over it, on your timeline according to your needs. You need to focus on repairing your marriage, re-establishing trust and the bonds that were damaged during your depression, not focus on kinkier sex.
I don't really have a choice to stay married or not, since I don't have a very good reason to want to leave. People on and off this board have made it clear that a sexually unsatisfactory marriage is no reason to end things. We have children so mommy has to think about them, not herself, right?
I completely disagree with this. Sexuality is a big part of marriage, IMO, and when you have one partner who wants it and another that doesn't, there are bound to be problems. Any counselor, even a religious one, would tell you the same thing.
It is also a perfectly legitimate reason to want to leave a marriage.
Children are resilient and very intuitive. They want mommy and daddy to be happy, and they want to feel safe and loved. If daddy doesn't make mommy happy, they will be able to tell. And then, when they hit 18 and leave home, you'll be left with the man that made you unhappy all these years, wondering "what if?" A lot of people of our parents' generation are now getting divorced, because they stayed in bad marriages just for the sake of the kids...and now the kids have guilt knowing their parents basically sacrificed their lives for the kids'. I would never want that for my parents...not when they could have maybe been happier with other people and saved us from years of watching them fight or sleep in separate bedrooms (not my own parents, but a friend's who are going through a divorce now after 40 years of marriage).
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