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another thing i should mention. She's divorced and she married her ex-husband after just 2 months of dating.
Why did they divorce? How long was she married? I would be asking those questions. That she married him 2 months into a relationship is a red flag also.
The thing that puzzles me the most about her is that she doesn't like to be alone in her apartment. I get frantic texts on a consistent basis like "I can't be here anymore. I need you now." "I'm not in a good place right now. I don't like being in an empty apartment"
Also lately she's been saying she feels like she's living in a suitcase.
It just feels like there's a breaking point soon and I'm not just going to quit my job and move there. She wants me to.
I think your smart to wait and not rush into it, but with that comes the need to reassure her that she is not alone, when your not there. Talk about your plans, as if they are a definite, and explain how you are laying out these plans, over as many times as she needs to hear it. Maybe even set up your computers so you can chat at night, with video. There are programs out there for this, like conference calls. You can be there, even if not in body.
If she has had a bad life, that was disappointment, she is going to be a lot more insecure than you may think one should be, but realizing that, and accepting that, will find ways to reinforce your unity through these stages of growing. Don't fear it. Embrace it and find innovative solutions of comfort.
Look at the bright side. At least she is leaning toward you and not away from you, even if a little extreme for your liking.
Has either of you ever taken a week or two of vacation and stayed over for a longer period of time?
You two may not know each other all that well so far as day in and day out routine -- housekeeping, budgeting, taking care of the kids, things like that.
Yeah. We've gone on a couple vacations. Two weeks in England to visit my family. And another time we took the kids to San Diego for a week.
We get along great when together. We've had a few arguments. I would say one was serious but it started out as something minor and escalated.
OP, have you suggested she get counseling/therapy for what sounds like multiple childhood traumas? That would be the way to go, IMO. Notice that she gets upset/depressed about being in her apt. alone, and being left alone as a child was one of the things she felt was neglectful/abusive. So she needs to heal these early wounds. She can't expect to look to other people to solve her problems for her (i.e. you moving in, to distract her from her feelings of abandonment).
Getting married or having you move in with her wouldn't resolve her emotional issues. It would only distract her from them for awhile, and push them to a back burner, but long-term, they would rear their ugly heads again.
Good luck, OP. Check her health insurance policy to see if it covers mental health, so she can't use affordability as an excuse to not get the professional help she needs. Her kids need an emotionally healthy, happy, stable mom, too.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 11-08-2015 at 03:15 PM..
Why did they divorce? How long was she married? I would be asking those questions. That she married him 2 months into a relationship is a red flag also.
8 years
she said he is bi polar with a gambling addiction. Hasn't had much good to say about him. For awhile they wouldn't talk and just texted when it had to do with the kids.
Shes emotionally immature but also knows how to manipulate with making you feel your responsible for her loneliness. Its all about her. How she feels,what she thinks. Cant believe you should quit a good job,leave your friends and possibly your family so you can become responsible basically for her and two children. Would be a mistake on your part and you would realize that soon after you caved.
OP, have you suggested she get counseling/therapy for what sounds like multiple childhood traumas? That would be the way to go, IMO. Notice that she gets upset/depressed about being in her apt. alone, and being left alone as a child was one of the things she felt was neglectful/abusive. So she needs to heal these early wounds. She can't expect to look to other people to solve her problems for her (i.e. you moving in, to distract her from her feelings of abandonment).
Getting married or having you move in with her wouldn't resolve her emotional issues. It would only distract her from them for awhile, and push them to a back burner, but long-term, they would rear their ugly heads again.
Good luck, OP. Check her health insurance policy to see if it covers mental health, so she can't use affordability as an excuse to not get the professional help she needs. Her kids need an emotionally healthy, happy, stable mom, too.
Sorry, But I have to disagree with you. Suggesting that she has a mental problem, (which is what she will think) will only add to the feeling that you may leave her, or may be looking for an excuse to abandon her. Not a good move.
"Support" is not suggesting a shrink. Emotionally crippled people need as much support as a physically disabled person does, and an emotional cane or crutch can help one heal. Your support is what will help, and it doesn't have to be marriage or moving in right away. Knowing your there, and showing it, is what will help more than suggesting to go see a shrink will. After all, you did not mention she was doing anything crazy, and she managed to get this far with out you. or you saying she should see a shrink. (My Opinion Only)
Sometimes it's best to listen to your gut, and right now it's telling you to slow down. A mature woman doesn't act like this. She might express missing you and being excited about seeing you, etc. but to send such desperate sounding texts is not normal adult behavior.
Remember she is the adult child of alcoholics and many of her behavior patterns are pretty typical for those that grew up in those circumstances: her compulsive behavior with relationships, her need for your approval, her creation of drama, her co-dependency, her abandonment issues, etc.
Before she marries again she needs some help to get to a healthier place in her life or this will all continue for both of you.
Sorry, But I have to disagree with you. Suggesting that she has a mental problem, (which is what she will think) will only add to the feeling that you may leave her, or may be looking for an excuse to abandon her. Not a good move.
"Support" is not suggesting a shrink. Emotionally crippled people need as much support as a physically disabled person does, and an emotional cane or crutch can help one heal. Your support is what will help, and it doesn't have to be marriage or moving in right away. Knowing your there, and showing it, is what will help more than suggesting to go see a shrink will. After all, you did not mention she was doing anything crazy, and she managed to get this far with out you. or you saying she should see a shrink. (My Opinion Only)
It doesn't have to be an either-or proposition. It can, and should, and I assume, naturally, would be both-and. The OP can be very supportive, be there for her to the extent practical and possible, but also encourage her to take responsibility for her issues, and embark on the path towards healing. The OP sounds pretty compassionate, so if he expresses that to her (not just verbally, but through his actions), a suggestion to get help and healing could come across very positively. She knows she's hurting, and she knows what the cause of it is, so I think there's good hope for success.
Sometimes it's best to listen to your gut, and right now it's telling you to slow down. A mature woman doesn't act like this. She might express missing you and being excited about seeing you, etc. but to send such desperate sounding texts is not normal adult behavior.
Remember she is the adult child of alcoholics and many of her behavior patterns are pretty typical for those that grew up in those circumstances: her compulsive behavior with relationships, her need for your approval, her creation of drama, her co-dependency, her abandonment issues, etc.
Before she marries again she needs some help to get to a healthier place in her life or this will all continue for both of you.
You're so spot on right there. She is all of those. I've had a hard time offering her the right emotional support because I came from a pretty stable background. She breaks down and cries and i'll comfort her and say it's going to be okay, but inside (and i hate to admit it) I'm thinking " oh god, not this again"
She told me she loved me very early on in the relationship. It was within three weeks of our first date. We had seen each other three times. We talked on the phone for two months before meeting and built up a good rapport. By three months she was saying she wanted to spend her life with me.
In the beginning I privately questioned whether her feelings for me were real. I didn't share them for her at the time. I enjoyed her a lot and we had a great time but I wasn't in love or thinking about a future with her yet. I eventually got to that point. It was about 6 months in and when my Dad went through a health scare. Her support made us closer and from that point on we became closer and closer.
She is very hard on herself. She'll say that she is damaged and doesn't deserve anyone. I know these are red flags and that me moving in won't solve her problems. That's what I'm worried about. I think she thinks they will.
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