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I'm completely new here and mentally.. torn. My mother and best friend can only hear so much about it. It's been years since I last posted in a forum, here it goes..
I was in a great 2 year relationship up until 3 weeks ago. We're both in our late 20's. No messing around, just looking to settle down eventually once we got our lives together (financially, etc). He lives on his own, just leased a car, has had a lot of payments he hasn't been able to catch up with in the last few years. He has is 9-5 job, Monday through Friday and just recently picked up a 2nd job as a server at a restaurant near his job. So he's basically been working all day/night, picking up shifts left and right, as many as he can just to get by for rent, car payments and so on.
He just started this job as a server at the end of September. All was going well, I was supporting him. Telling him how happy I was for him, that no matter how crazy our work schedules get we will always manage to see each other being that we both drive (we live 40 min away from one another-no biggie to us). And that having a 2nd job will bring him afloat from all his financial distress, but with time.
I'll cut to the chase. On October 20th, he was getting off work (his server job), he calls me because I had texted him. We had plans for the next day and I just wanted to confirm with him. He was not being his usual talkative self over the phone and that raised a red flag. I asked, "What is wrong with you? What is going on?" He blurts out, "I don't want to be in a relationship. I'm depressed, I don't know and I don't care anymore." I was in tears of course, just completely baffled and in shock by what he was telling me.
I'll cut back to 3 days ago before that BOMB. He came to my job to surprise me and for us to go out to lunch. He kept talking about not wanting to go to work that afternoon and wanting to just spend the weekend with me. Even texts before that, we were sweet with one another. Talking about our day and how much we missed each other. Sappy, I know, but this is the love of my life I'm talking about here,
So back to October 20th, we were going back and forth over the phone for 40 min. until I finally gave up for the night and realized there's nothing I can do or say to changes this man's opinion. He needs time. So I sent him a text that very night before going to sleep, "I never want to see you again. Put all of my belongings in a box and leave them by your house. Let me know when it's done. Good luck with the rest of your life." Yes, I know a little over dramatic, but I was seeing red.
I vowed to myself to not initiate ANY SORT of contact with him. Exactly a week later after him breaking up with me, he called. I called him back few mins after, he was all, "Hi how are you? What's new? Talk to me. What's going on?" He rambled about his job(s), how he's been working and doesn't remember the last time he had a day off. It was a civil conversation. Right before we got off the phone, I told him, "I deserve to know why to all of this, us ending. Out no where." He tells me, that he's been feeling like this for awhile, that his GUT told him to do this. He needs to get his head out of the water and be alone. Get sorted things out, etc. And that I've been nothing, but an amazing girlfriend to him. He wishes me the best, bla bla bla. Like as if he's saying goodbye forever. Oh, but wait. He wants to be friends. I said, that's not going to be possible and he was like "Whatever, I don't understand why." Eventually we get off the phone.
8 days later, he calls me again. Mind you, since we've broken up, I have not texted, emailed, or called him. He's gotten nothing from me. Again he's all, "Hi how are you? What's new? I haven't heard from you...I don't know why I even called." So I straight up tell him, "I don't think I was clear enough the last time we spoke, but I don't want a friendship with you. I need time to heal from this life changing bomb you threw at me. Talking to you every 2-3 weeks is only going to remind me of our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend. You wanted this, you started this. If you ever have a change of heart, you know where to find me. But in the mean time, no." He went straight to, "Ok ok I won't ever call you again, geeeeez." And with that I proceeded to tell him that I wanted my belongings back that are at his house because there's NO reason for him to have them because he's not my boyfriend. He said, "Ok I'll call you this weekend and bring them to you." That was last Wednesday, today is Monday. And no I did not hear from him about my belongings over the weekend. Nothing, no text, no call. Why didn't I call or txt him about it either? Because I'm not going to chase him for my stuff. It's knowledge that I have his stuff and he has mine. And I even told him, "If it was a lipstick and a tshirt, I'd say keep it/throw it out. But it's way more than that" We're talking about him having my PlayStation, alarm clock, new shoes I bought over the summer and left at his house. I have his brother's wii and his friend's party table in my car. So I'm not using this "stuff" as an excuse to see him and get some sort of closure.
I love him and want nothing more than to be with him. We're amazing for one another, without a doubt and I know he's tormented by the fact that he's almost 30 and has so many expenses he can't seem to get afloat.
So technically I've been using the "no contact rule." Tomorrow, Tuesday, will be 3 weeks since he broke up with me. And I just don't know what to think anymore.
Sorry this was super long. Reading this back and I'm starting to see a big picture here. I'm still so confused.
Good on you for realizing you need to break off contact. It took me some time to figure this out in a similar situation (not as long of a relationship, but similar in that it came out of nowhere). Finally said listen, I know it'll make you feel better if we're friends and in regular contact, I'm sorry but it doesn't work for me. Otherwise you never start the getting over part of it.
Get your belongings ASAP (or write them off) and be done with him, forever. No need for further contact. I'm sorry, you're going through this
I second the motion ^^
It's not easy, but you have to turn the page and move on. DO NOT ruminate about it. Begin something a new and when little things may come up that remind you of your time together take a deep thought about what you learned from the experience and then take action to a) recognize bad patterns earlier b) not to get overwrought on feeling a relationship has to follow some prescribed script and learn to take each new encounter with someone of interest a day at a time and not project some happily ever after onto it.
USE the experience to take a hard learning lesson from and move on. Now go ahead and whistle a happy tune.... with Deborah Kerr
Honestly, I don't think even a PlayStation is worth the emotional energy.
Forget about it and keep forging ahead with NC. It would be nice to get closure, but that isn't always possible. It sucks because something is obviously going on, but he has made it clear where you rank right now.
Your resolve is impressive. Keep looking ahead, not back.
Can you make arrangements with a mutual friend to exchange belongings? Each of you meet the friend at a different time, this way each gets their things back and you don't have to see him or track him down.
I would try to retrieve my things but not obsess about them. Is the pain and heartache worth it for a Playstation and clock? Since he broke it off and it seems to be over, any contact is like ripping the scab off a healing wound. If you have decided its over between you two, best to just move on and whatever happens to your stuff happens. The way I look at it is "when someone breaks it off with me I can never trust them again". I would just be waiting and walking on eggshells for it to happen again. Its like when a married man or woman cheats, it was over before the cheat and the person decided they didn't care anymore. Happily married people don't cheat and people in great relationships don't just break them off unless they have thought long and hard about the consequences.
can you make arrangements with a mutual friend to exchange belongings? Each of you meet the friend at a different time, this way each gets their things back and you don't have to see him or track him down.
GMTA I was thinking exact thing same and you beat me to it.
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