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Hey all. Long time browser, first time poster. I am hoping to get some alternative views on our relationship. My wife and I met in 2009, married in 2013. We're both 38 (she had a prior marriage, I've not). After we got married, we were supposed to try to start to have a child. I was fully on board with that. Unfortunately, life threw us some curve balls; which initially, I thought we handled pretty well. My father died unexceptionally right before the wedding. I did want to postpone, but I was talked out of it by my wife, my mom and here mom. Ironically, she remembers differently where she said we should had postponed. Nonetheless, we went through with the original plans. Since my dad's situation, a lot of things and people were coming out of the woodwork. I, as the eldest son (other is early 20's), had to help as my mom was lost. That took a few months to fix, and my wife was fully supportive at that time with this. In addition, due to a prior accident, I suffer from debilitating back pain, chronic migraines and chronic kidney stones. That year or so, I was admitted into the ER several times. I also was on a lot of medicine for the management of the pain. I was moody at times, but I was going through a lot and must of went through 20 different meds from my docs. Things started to calm down around the Summer/Fall of 2014. She was initially interested in trying, but most of the time, it would be once a week, if lucky. In addition, she would say she was not interested or I could take a pass. Since she was not getting pregnant, she just gave up trying around her cycle around March. Then intimacy stopped completely around June. She now blames me for being 40 and have nothing to be happy about. She has no family. Marriage is on the rocks and she's having issues at work (not her fault. she has a very stressful job). We've started to see a marriage counselor back in Sept., but it's only once every two weeks or so as the counselor is not always there. I am trying to find another therapist that can take over and see us once or twice a week.
I really do not want a divorce, but, things are very stressful between us right now. It's been like that for months. She had no interest in even a kiss, let a lone intimacy. I feel alone, and I've overheard her talking to her mom that she feels a lone as well. I feel we're more roommates than husband and wife. I am at a loss and do not know what to do.
The lack of sex is a big problem. There's really no point to be in a relationship without it. You are basically roommates at this point as you've acknowledged.
If counseling has not made a difference, divorce is the probable outcome.
It sounds like you both feel like you are not getting your needs met in the relationship.
The counseling is your best bet. Also, you might want to check out some of Brene Brown's Ted Talks on vulnerability, as well as her books on the same subject. And maybe have a talk with her about what her needs are in the relationship.
It sounds like you've both been through very challenging times, but now is the time to pull together and not pull each other apart. Perhaps address in your counselling sessions what you both really want from the relationship and what it will take to achieve this. Blaming each other & pointing fingers isn't going to get you anywhere. Ultimately everyone is responsible for their own happiness & should not be looking outward for someone else to provide this.
It sounds like she is unhappy and she is blaming you. Each person in a relationship has to be responsible for their own wellbeing. Sometimes you have to put the needs of the relationship before yourself, there has to be compromise. You both have to be in agreement that you want to make the marriage work and will put forth the effort that is needed to do that. I think a different counselor may be more helpful, one you can see on a more regular basis.
I am certainly trying to pull things together here. I do not blame her for really anything aside from keeping distance. She says, we have problems, but she will not give me examples. She says she's trying, but she's really not doing anything. The therapist not being able see us more than once every two weeks or so is not helping things much either. She keeps on telling me it's been her dream to be a mom and I may have killed that dream for her. I do not see how she can say that. I am sorry that my father died. I am sorry that I was in the hospital so much, but I really had no control over those situations. She also resents me and my family during this timeframe for delaying her ability to get pregnant. I asked her that is not fair nor right. She said life's not fair. I asked what did her mom say? I do not think she would agree with you. She said, she doesn't understand the situation. How about the times I tried, literally begged to have intimacy during her time (and others), and she just said no? That doesn't count. It was too late she said. I then have been saying, we'll go through IVF and I will help pay for whatever you need. She said, but why should she have to put her body through that she says. I said, that is your choice, and I will support you with whatever you choose. She said I do not want your financial help. I will pay for it and my parents would help. I do not want the money from you. I was like WTF? I then asked are we married? Do you want to be married to me? We are a team here. We do things to help each other and our future family. I never heard of this. I feel I am here, or will be here, just for Sperm and nothing else. She then said, if that were true, I wouldn't have been so calm when you were going through your issues and would had been pushing much harder to have a child.
That is why I do not understand what to do. Half of me is very very cautious and feels I should get out of the relationship (if you want to call it one). The other half feels that I am letting her down by leaving her in her time of need. She was there for me, I should return the favor. That is what people do for others in a relationship. But, responses like the one about worries me greatly about if/when a child is here.
She (seems) to want a child in her life. I just want someone to be close to and trust. She told me today there is no one in her life she can trust aside from herself. I asked where is all this coming from. This is not the woman I married. She said, that woman is gone. I never had to show this side, as I've never been so corned in life. Nothing is working out for me she said. I am getting screwed at work, and screwed at home. There is no safe place for me. I tell her I am here for her. I will do anything for her. Her eyes roll. I walk away as I am perplexed on what to do here.
CHILDREN ARE VERY MUCH AFFECTED BY THE MENTAL STATE OF THEIR PARENTS. Please think seriously on this before you decide to bring children into this world. Having children are not going to make her happy nor are children going fix your relationship. Only having one side of the story it's hard to make judgments but it sounds like she is very unhappy and playing the victim role to the hilt. The first and number one priority is to seek individual as well as couples counseling.
I don't understand. What is the PROBLEM? I would just keep digging away at it. It sounds like resentment that she does not have a child because she was too shy to speak up during your initial phases of marriage. You need to be the man here and start calling the shots. She doesn't know what she wants though it sounds like a baby. Get her a kid and now.
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