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So I'll try to give the short of it and fill in the necessary details by answering any questions:
I work with a girl who I started dating around early November. I'm 26, she's 19. Shes by far the youngest lady I've ever dated--I have a fairly extensive dating history, and the average age of women I've dated has been roughly my age/year older, although I've dated and/or slept with women from six years younger, to nine years older. Unsurprisingly, she has minimal dating experience, I think only three boyfriends, all her age/year older...
So things moved pretty quickly (we haven't had sex) and we've both exchanged L-words; I started the exchange. We've both spent money on each other outside of regular dates (which we've both paid for): she's bought me a few gifts, like a DVD series I like and a $200 DNA kit I expressed interest in; I've reserved a beachside location for Christmas for the two of us...
Historically, I fall in love way too easily, and have found it hard to distinguish between love and lust and the "idea" of someone. I know this about myself, and yet was unable to notice some pretty big signs here. And my relationship history is obviously ****ty; I'm 26 and single and 0-for-everything...
So, she hasn't been the only girl I've been talking to. I never told her she was, but I muddied it up by using the L-word. I never publicized that I was seeing her at work, because I have "saw" two other women at work, and there's another I'm interested in, and at least two are really interested in me. So I've stayed off of social media, I kept a low profile, and until about a week ago, I thought no one knew anything...
She has my face and messages dedicated to me plastered across instagram and twitter. This was fine when I thought no one had saw it; turns out the word has gotten out in a major way. She told someone at work i was her "boo", and then one of the girls I used to see tripped on me bad (outside of work). At work, I've been asked about her, which I deny...
Part of the problem is that I didn't control this from jump. I never established a boundary with her, because I'm not feeling the social media thing. And I initially assumed the "hating" going on was just women being women, mad that I'd decided to check someone else besides them. But this whole "claiming me publicly" thing has given way to some new questions I should have asked from the start:
For starters, she lives with two friends, but she sleeps on the couch. I didn't know that initially it was only a two bedroom; her mother lives right here in town and she refuses to live with her. I never questioned any of this, but when I divulge a bit more about these two relationships, you'll see why it's fishy to me...
She says she's getting her own place in January, but she has about a $10/hr wage, and she's knee-deep in academic probation/student loans. I'm starting a new job in another state the week of January 3, and going up Wednesday to look at/place deposit on a place. I invited her to ride with me, and she offered (without my asking) to cosign with me, since I don't have great credit. That IS NOT why I told her my credit is bad; I was just saying that I hope I pass the credit check. I didn't catch it then, but it seems really off now...
We haven't had sex because, from my end, it isn't all that important. Id been getting it elsewhere, and what I initially liked about her is that she doesn't come across as "easy", but is more accurately described as timid because of the gap in experience. Either way, I have never felt the urge to pressure her into sex, though I wouldnot mind to hit it...
I also was initially attracted to her complete interest in me, something I may have mistaken for what really is infatuation. She listens, she genuinely asks questions, but I'm beginning to wonder if all signs point to us just being in two different places in life. She's too young. I always said I wouldn't date younger than 22 this year; I dated a 21 yr old and regressed two more years with this one. And I've found ways to justify it---I really do like her, but I need advice on how to reign this in quick...
Lastly, she was off today, and I get off work to see that she wrote on my car and left a card under my windshield congratulating me for my promotion, and people saw her....
Im ready for any evaluation and advice. I blew it big time here, and need help reigning this in before I get in over my head....
Maybe this time it will sink in for you but I doubt it. One of my very good friends was a player and so I know how difficult it is to juggle people around, ducking and diving. Thats what it is - juggling and basically it is because you dont care about them.
Once someone means a lot to you and they dont treat you right, you may get the message but until then... Good luck. (I never had your luck with the girls, so maybe I am jealous?)
- Dating coworkers. Bad.
- Throwing around the "L word" if you don't feel it.
- Complete failure to honestly communicate about your relationship, expectations, acceptable levels of commitment, etc. With her. With any of the women you're messing with. Does the chick you're "hitting" "elsewhere" think you love her, too?
There is a reason you're pretty lame in the relationship department at your age, as you put it "0 for everything" whatever that means. You don't respect the feelings of other people, and you don't use your words like a big boy. Sooner or later, you might want to grow up in that regard. Until then, there is no "reign it in" ...you're making a mess and it's gonna blow up in your face.
I know you are trying to paint her as immature, but you come off as the immature one.
So your post was painfully loquacious, but it boils down to: you told her you loved her...yet you were seeing (and sleeping with) other women. And she assumed it meant you were in a relationship. And blew your cover.
I am almost 40 and if a man told me he loved me, planned on having Christmas with me, etc...hell yeah I would consider us a couple.
Tell each woman (not in a group text, if you can manage that) that you are not worthy of their affections because you aren't able to have adult relationships or treat them as they deserve to be treated. And then slink away and crawl back under the rock you came from.
Seriously, you want advice on how to eat your cake and have it too, don't you? Nope. Not from me.
You "love" her, but are having sexual relations elsewhere.
You are dating/ spending time with/ talking with/ having sex with other females.
You have not had sex with her, but made "weekend" reservations at a beach resort for you and her.
She, on the other hand, seems to believe that you are exclusively dating/ getting serious with her alone.
She "offered" to co-sign with you for a place to live.
You've got a tough row to hoe in front of you, and it will take great diplomacy.
She is making a big spectacle out of this at work (bad juju!) and on social media.
1) She lives on the couch with some friends, but refuses to live with her nearby mother. This is a major warning sign of possible instability.
2) She is planning on moving in with you -- that's why she offered to cosign for you a place to live.
3) She foolishly makes big drama at work and on social media about you being exclusive with you, that you two are together, an 'item', a committed couple.
You need to back out of this carefully, very carefully.
If she does not yet know about the beach resort reservations, quietly cancel them.
If she does know about them, you need to develop some sort of illness, family situation, or work obligation which will prevent you from the weekend trip. Offer her the tickets outright as a gift. Both of them.
What you need to do is develop "newfound respect" for her. You can do this by "getting religion", or having had a "sit down talk" with one of your own older family members. Say, a wise old uncle could have advised you not to toy with her heart.
You need to start thinking of yourself -- and acting like! -- an older man who suddenly realized he was very near to corrupting an innocent young lady much younger than himself. You "checked yourself before you wrecked yourself"!
Withdraw from her attention gracefully, and gentlemanly in every way. You suddenly realize how young she is! How it's not right for an older man like yourself to mess with her heart.
Make this about you being older, and her being younger. Innocent. Youthful. whereas you can paint yourself as some older guy whose been around the block and isn't ready to get serious.
Around work, when the subject comes up, always take the high road that you realized she was too young and innocent for a man of your age and experience, and are doing the "check myself before I wreck myself" step backwards.
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