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I posted this story once, long ago, but it's buried in the CD annals (that's ANNALS, two N's) so I'll recount it here.
When I was in fifth grade there was a girl in my class who was ugly. I don't just mean in that less-than-pretty, judgmental way children have in their repertoire of brutal honesty, I mean she was ugly. And she had an absolutely vicious attitude as well.
We were in the advanced programs, or what passed for them back in those days, and on one occasion were given an assignment requiring partners. I was assigned this girl. We'll call her Kesha.
For the first couple of days my time with Kesha was brutal. I was smart, but a generally poor student, and she was just plain mean. However, as our interest in the project itself grew and our focus sharpened, I became more direct. She calmed down some and her qualities began to surface.
It turned out that despite being one of the "dumb" kids in class (none of us were, but there's always a pecking order) she was quite intelligent. Moreover, as she got used to me, her attitude shifted and a sweetness surfaced. It was my first encounter with an overt defense mechanism and I began to understand that she was mean because she had learned the world would be mean to her based on her appearance.
I was so taken aback by her change, and moreover I gradually ceased to see her looks the way I had initially. It's easy to suggest that one grows accustomed (and it's true as well) but there was more to it. I got to know her in a way I think few had up to that point. I went from viewing our time together as a necessity, to looking genuinely forward to it.
We laughed, we joked, we became friends. Every day she changed in my eyes. It wasn't merely that she was less ugly, but that an actual beauty began to shine through. Although I had never been one of her tormentors in the social mainstream of our elementary world, I hadn't been her friend either; but now I was. Now I really was; and I developed quite a powerful crush on her. Her jokes were the best, her laughter was infectious and charming, and her wit was like a razor, a thing which had always drawn me because I'm the sort who appreciates a good jab, even if it's at my expense.
I went from someone who didn't know her but viewed her as "ugly" to someone who was ready to throw down should anyone dare malign her on any level.
I won't pretend Life is a fairy tale; but sometimes fairy tales do happen, if you're the sort who can detect magic. So yes, for all that it isn't LIKELY in this world, it can happen.
It didn't happen for me, of course. I confessed my feelings for Kesha and she laughed at the "stoopit li'l ol' white boy" as well as letting me know I was absolutely not her type and then cutting me pretty much loose.
Sometimes, alas, the frog does not get kissed but that, too, is Life. Nevertheless, I learned a few valuable lessons from the experience. One of them was the lesson of what does and does not constitute ugliness. It's a lesson I cherish to this day.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nald
I'll proceed to "define" the case of "ugly" for this topic as someone who's definitely not a looker (face, primarily). It doesn't involve cases with severe phyisical damages such as burns over the face and hideously horrid (i.e. <2% population), but simply aesthetically sub-par, i.e. someone who's likely to be among the most plain or least attractive people in the room, i.e. 5%-15% attractiveness scale for their age/demographic.
Let's also say that this person not only matches all other expectations that you hold in high regard, but he/she also surpasses them, i.e.:
- very educated, excelling in fact (generally the top achiever in whole university) - given that you value it with high regard
- being very smart and eloquent as well
- extremely kind and pleasant to be around with.
- a virgin at 20+ age - given that you hold it with high regard.
- strict ethical and other behavioral norms
- on top of everything, she's is very family-oriented and looks forward to find someone who is alike (given that you also evaluate that in high regard)
- list goes on..
Let's say that he or she not only matches but CLOCKS any expectation(s) and desires in various deal-breakers that you might have in regards to other things!
Would you date or keep dating him/her? Would you be afraid/vary of others and what they think or talk about it? And if you would, what would be your primary concern - your image, or her (or his) self-esteem and stuff like that?
I'd like to hear opinions of others and it isn't about making it into a poll - just a plain human discussion about people's opinion on the matter. If you had such experiences and/or dilemmas before, please share it and elaborate a bit.
Mother Theresa was an awesome person but that does not mean I find her physically attractive for dating purposes. Folks, plain and simple, looks matter. Don't buy the lie that their looks will be more attractive when you get to know them more. The 40 chins and crazy eye will probably still be there even if you get to know them well.
Last edited by The Dissenter; 12-22-2015 at 07:03 AM..
Dating someone who's significantly below average in terms of looks (ugly)
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. However, if one does not have a physical attraction to that person, it's a mistake to go out with them. In the end you'll only hurt them and hurt yourself, move along I say.
I give that wee bit of advice free of charge. I think I know a thing or two about attraction being myself one of those five percent 'ers (ugly) as you say.
I'll proceed to "define" the case of "ugly" for this topic as someone who's definitely not a looker (face, primarily). It doesn't involve cases with severe phyisical damages such as burns over the face and hideously horrid (i.e. <2% population), but simply aesthetically sub-par, i.e. someone who's likely to be among the most plain or least attractive people in the room, i.e. 5%-15% attractiveness scale for their age/demographic.
Let's also say that this person not only matches all other expectations that you hold in high regard, but he/she also surpasses them, i.e.:
- very educated, excelling in fact (generally the top achiever in whole university) - given that you value it with high regard
- being very smart and eloquent as well
- extremely kind and pleasant to be around with.
- a virgin at 20+ age - given that you hold it with high regard.
- strict ethical and other behavioral norms
- on top of everything, she's is very family-oriented and looks forward to find someone who is alike (given that you also evaluate that in high regard)
- list goes on..
Let's say that he or she not only matches but CLOCKS any expectation(s) and desires in various deal-breakers that you might have in regards to other things!
Would you date or keep dating him/her? Would you be afraid/vary of others and what they think or talk about it? And if you would, what would be your primary concern - your image, or her (or his) self-esteem and stuff like that?
I'd like to hear opinions of others and it isn't about making it into a poll - just a plain human discussion about people's opinion on the matter. If you had such experiences and/or dilemmas before, please share it and elaborate a bit.
I very most likely would. To start, you value different things than I do (i.e. virginity, family-orientedness, etc.), but I'm making the situation analogous to what I value.
I've dated women like this in the past and fallen in love with them anyway, because the other qualities were so prominent. It is worth nothing that in some of those cases, they had absolutely BANGING bodies, which may or may not be a factor in your case....but this wasn't always true for me, either.
Regarding others' opinions? Their loss, if she's a great person, they're missing out. Friends and family in particular should take more value in you being happy than anything else in your life. If she makes you happy, then they, by extension, should be pleased for you. If they're not, then their opinion shouldn't be as valuable anyway.
It also may sound a bit cold, but women like this have that "diamond in the rough" potential because other men will pass them over. There are some really great women out there that men pass over because of looks. It's not to imply that unattractive women are more likely to be good people than attractive women, but rather that AVAILABLE unattractive women (who are good people) are easier to find than AVAILABLE attractive women.
I'm sure that the people who say "absolutely NOT" are most likely single, struggle with dating and have been for a while. While the ones who say "maybe, once I get to know them" or "beauty is subjective" are more likely to be in relationships (be their partner "ugly" or not).
I'll proceed to "define" the case of "ugly" for this topic as someone who's definitely not a looker (face, primarily). It doesn't involve cases with severe phyisical damages such as burns over the face and hideously horrid (i.e. <2% population), but simply aesthetically sub-par, i.e. someone who's likely to be among the most plain or least attractive people in the room, i.e. 5%-15% attractiveness scale for their age/demographic.
Let's also say that this person not only matches all other expectations that you hold in high regard, but he/she also surpasses them, i.e.:
- very educated, excelling in fact (generally the top achiever in whole university) - given that you value it with high regard
- being very smart and eloquent as well
- extremely kind and pleasant to be around with.
- a virgin at 20+ age - given that you hold it with high regard.
- strict ethical and other behavioral norms
- on top of everything, she's is very family-oriented andlooks forward to find someone who is alike (given that you also evaluate that in high regard)
- list goes on..
Let's say that he or she not only matches but CLOCKS any expectation(s) and desires in various deal-breakers that you might have in regards to other things!
Would you date or keep dating him/her? Would you be afraid/vary of others and what they think or talk about it? And if you would, what would be your primary concern - your image, or her (or his) self-esteem and stuff like that?
I'd like to hear opinions of others and it isn't about making it into a poll - just a plain human discussion about people's opinion on the matter. If you had such experiences and/or dilemmas before, please share it and elaborate a bit.
Attraction encompasses more than just superficial qualities, so absolutely. (so long as he doesn't plan on staying a virgin until marriage. I respect it and wouldn't do anything to undermine it, but it is completely incompatible with my views so it would not work).
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,748,461 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrowningPoeFrost
I'm sure that the people who say "absolutely NOT" are most likely single, struggle with dating and have been for a while. While the ones who say "maybe, once I get to know them" or "beauty is subjective" are more likely to be in relationships (be their partner "ugly" or not).
Oh nice. So you are going to shame people for preferring to date people who don't look like they've been hit with the ugly stick repeatedly? Personally I'd rather be single than date someone I wasn't physically attracted to. If that makes me a Satanist, then whatever.
I feel there must be a physical attraction for a relationship to flourish. That attraction does not have to do with ones looks to anyone else but the two people in the relationship. If one finds"beauty" in another person, a person everyone else on looks may be deemed ugly, it doesn't matter. All that matters is the connection between the two in the relationship.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,974,024 times
Reputation: 40635
I don't think anyone really has said to date someone you're not attracted to, but people can absolutely become physically attracted to someone if chemistry is there and if you really are into the person as a person. I've fallen for people several times that if they were a stranger and I saw them across the room that they wouldn't register in my mind at all; I just wouldn't notice them as physically good looking. But after talking to them / getting to know them, they became super damn attractive (physically, mentally, and emotionally).
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