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OP, big red flag. She does not like or love her family so FAMILY is not important to her (obviously). You do not want to create a family with a woman who does not care about family. We do not know why she does not love her parents and sisters but having a family it all about forgiveness (whatever happened in past) and compromising.
Completely disagree.
Often times, there are things which are unforgivable.
If your potential spouse does not love his parents and sisters, is this a red flag?
How the heck did this person get beyond a "potential date" with this? Honestly, if you've gotten to the point in your relationship that you are just now asking this question, then I think you deserve each other.
For me, not only is that a "red flag", its an absolute deal breaker to where I wouldnt even want to go on a date with them.
How the heck did this person get beyond a "potential date" with this? Honestly, if you've gotten to the point in your relationship that you are just now asking this question, then I think you deserve each other.
For me, not only is that a "red flag", its an absolute deal breaker to where I wouldnt even want to go on a date with them.
I don't get this.
Some people simply have COMPLETE TOXIC families. No other way to put it.
Nobody gets to pick their families.
For me, there's no way it could be a red flag or deal breaker as long as the reasoning makes sense. If I found out she hated them over petty and trivial reasons, then it'd be a red flag/deal breaker in my eyes.
Last edited by NewYorker11356; 12-24-2015 at 12:27 AM..
Families are different. I'm pretty sure some of the more sheltered people on this site would pee there pants if they met my in-laws. They are good people just different than what I grew up with and I'm really cool with that. If someone you love hates their family there is probably a good reason and it isn't always on them, though sometimes it's a common denominator.
It's hard for me to be objective with this one, as someone who is long estranged from family (by necessity, not be choice), but I do *sort of* understand why it would be a red flag, especially if the whole story isn't known. I dated someone for a couple of years who was from a very close-knit, loving family; just all around great people, who always made me feel completely welcome. The problem was that, in some ways, it made me feel resentful because it was a constant reminder that my own parents just didn't give a **** and never would. Anyway, I came to the realization that who he needed was someone who was also from a close-knit family, not some parasite like I was; he could never really comprehend my situation and I couldn't truly let my guard down. I knew I needed someone with family baggage of their own, who had the capacity to understand just how messy and complicated it can be.
OP, big red flag. She does not like or love her family so FAMILY is not important to her (obviously). You do not want to create a family with a woman who does not care about family. We do not know why she does not love her parents and sisters but having a family it all about forgiveness (whatever happened in past) and compromising.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kings Gambit
How the heck did this person get beyond a "potential date" with this? Honestly, if you've gotten to the point in your relationship that you are just now asking this question, then I think you deserve each other.
For me, not only is that a "red flag", its an absolute deal breaker to where I wouldnt even want to go on a date with them.
What a crock.
Without knowing the situation, none of us are in a position to judge her.
Newsflash - there are toxic, bad people out there.
I applaud someone who has the fortitude to cut them out of their lives.
OP:
Assuming meeting the other parties is not going to happen (so that you can form your own judgment), then the only thing you have to go on is the character of the person you DO know - is she kind/caring/loving? How does she treat others around her?
Getting a feel for someone else's character ain't rocket science, unless your powers of observation are stunted...
It's hard for me to be objective with this one, as someone who is long estranged from family (by necessity, not be choice), but I do *sort of* understand why it would be a red flag, especially if the whole story isn't known. I dated someone for a couple of years who was from a very close-knit, loving family; just all around great people, who always made me feel completely welcome. The problem was that, in some ways, it made me feel resentful because it was a constant reminder that my own parents just didn't give a **** and never would. Anyway, I came to the realization that who he needed was someone who was also from a close-knit family, not some parasite like I was; he could never really comprehend my situation and I couldn't truly let my guard down. I knew I needed someone with family baggage of their own, who had the capacity to understand just how messy and complicated it can be.
Best post on this thread.
I would only want someone with a close family. I know of few people that came from completely different backgrounds that had a happy marriage. If your idea of Thanksgiving or Christmas is 40 people in the house you will not be happy sitting alone and watching TV alone with your spouse. I have seen people from dysfunctional families try to break things off from their spouses family because they can't understand the things that happy families do.
Passing immediate judgment on something like this without knowing the full story means you'll be missing out on some wonderful people in this world.
My wife and her family actually prefers my relative estrangement from my family. It means we never have to fight about what we're doing for the holidays and can spend an abundance of time with her family. She's sad that I haven't spoken to my mother in years but has never demanded an explanation to make sure I have good reasons. She knows I'm a nice person that cares A LOT about family and that's enough for her.
One of the reasons my siblings and I are spread throughout the country now is that our life growing up was pretty turbulent. There was no desire to stay local for most of us. We still get together when we can and we're much closer with each other than we are with either of our parents. If all of our SO's saw our family life as a major red flag it would have been their loss, we're pretty cool people if I do say so myself.
^^Sounds similar to my situation: my brother and I check in with each other every so often, and the Mr. (particularly being that he was the one who helped me get out) has no qualms about not having to deal with in-laws . His family is plenty enough for us to cope with, lol.
Some people have crappy parents and it's something you really can't hold against a person. You can't choose your family when you're born.
OP was here and gone so soon, but for others who may come along, I'll second this. Heck, in some cases, minimizing contact or cutting ties altogether is the healthiest thing someone can do!
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. His family is plenty enough for us to cope with, lol.
