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I work 40+ hours a week as a teacher dealing with over 100 kids. My wife works 20hr a week, then comes home and complains that she is SOOO tired after working a 5hr shift. I end up having to cook, clean, vacuum, deal with finances. She does do the laundry.
I realize you're responding to another poster with this post (and, thank you for being a teacher, btw), but... I say, yes... do the divorce. It's what you want. You're having second thoughts is all. I think the reason people are ragging on you here because you're making it all about her; it's all what she did, what she doesn't do, what she wants to do, what doesn't want to do... Really, though, if you wanna reestablish your integrity from here on out, don't make it about her. Her jobs are hers. You didn't get fired. Imagine how she feels after so many times fired. If her having a job is that big a deal to you... well, then maybe retail isn't her strong suit.
No seriously, if you aren't happy in your marriage (and, yeah... cheating says to me, 'not happy at home') it's okay. It's okay to change your unhappy life. If it's not working for you, it's not working for you. Trying to assuage your guilt about cheating by listing what you view as her faults is not the way to go.
Good luck. You can only control what you do... that's all. You cannot control anyone else, no matter what you do or say. You can only control yourself, your thoughts, your actions and behaviours, what you think, do and say. Nobody makes anybody do anything.
I wonder if part of the reason for my wanting this marriage to work is this...
I have been with my wife for a large portion of my life. She's the only real serious relationship I've ever had (just a few high school relationships before her). I've never lived alone before. Also, I have no friends, just coworkers in this crappy town I live in (but luckily I am looking for a job closer to family after this school year). I've been with my wife for such a long time, and been through so much with her that it would be weird for me to be in a relationship with anyone else (the cheating incident was with a friend from HS whom I've known for a long time).
Another issue is this. From her mouth... My wife is afraid of communicating her thoughts and issues because she's afraid she'll make me unhappy and lose me. She said that she'll never be able to find anyone else like me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ConeyGirl52
It seems less like a group of reasons to leave her, and more like a list of excuses to leave her. I can easily agree that you are coming across like real a-hole, but I don't know either one of you, so that's just a comment based on your typing alone.
It seems to me that you felt the seven year itch, and decided to scratch it. Every couple goes through this, and the successful ones eventually snap out of it BEFORE they decide to scratch that itch.
So what is your plan after leaving her?
Apparently my wife has been scratching the seven year itch as well. She didn't cheat, but she's been talking to this guy from HS for about a year. I guess he's been her sort-of therapist. She could have come to me about the problems. I've been pretty good with communicating with her since the beginning when something bothered me. I think her lack of communicating ties back to the problem I mentioned above.
I've certainly done some a-hole things. But so has she.
Look, no matter how many things you bring up, we aren't going to crown a winner of the A-hole contest. Yes, she's a security blanket. That's not really a revelation.
Another reason that it's not so obvious to you how much you're wasting your life and hers.
Location: Subconscious Syncope, USA (Northeastern US)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lepoisson
I wonder if part of the reason for my wanting this marriage to work is this...
I have been with my wife for a large portion of my life. She's the only real serious relationship I've ever had (just a few high school relationships before her). I've never lived alone before. Also, I have no friends, just coworkers in this crappy town I live in (but luckily I am looking for a job closer to family after this school year). I've been with my wife for such a long time, and been through so much with her that it would be weird for me to be in a relationship with anyone else (the cheating incident was with a friend from HS whom I've known for a long time).
Another issue is this. From her mouth... My wife is afraid of communicating her thoughts and issues because she's afraid she'll make me unhappy and lose me. She said that she'll never be able to find anyone else like me.
Apparently my wife has been scratching the seven year itch as well. She didn't cheat, but she's been talking to this guy from HS for about a year. I guess he's been her sort-of therapist. She could have come to me about the problems. I've been pretty good with communicating with her since the beginning when something bothered me. I think her lack of communicating ties back to the problem I mentioned above.
I've certainly done some a-hole things. But so has she.
You know, talking is not cheating. It does create jealously, but its not having sex. If you are jealous, tell her. It might do wonders for your relationship to calmly and rationally let her know how you feel. You might also benefit from learning how she feels. It takes two to argue, and it takes two to meaningfully communicate. Neither one of you can truly communicate by yourselves. If you talk, but put each other on the defensive, and the conversation only revolves around laying blame somewhere, nothing gets resolved and wounds only get deeper.
Honestly, if she knows that you have cheated, it may be too late; but if you two are still living together then you have a chance of working things out. You can expect her to have trust issues for a while - its sort of like completely starting over.
I wonder if part of the reason for my wanting this marriage to work is this...
I have been with my wife for a large portion of my life. She's the only real serious relationship I've ever had (just a few high school relationships before her). I've never lived alone before. Also, I have no friends, just coworkers in this crappy town I live in (but luckily I am looking for a job closer to family after this school year). I've been with my wife for such a long time, and been through so much with her that it would be weird for me to be in a relationship with anyone else (the cheating incident was with a friend from HS whom I've known for a long time).
Another issue is this. From her mouth... My wife is afraid of communicating her thoughts and issues because she's afraid she'll make me unhappy and lose me. She said that she'll never be able to find anyone else like me.
Apparently my wife has been scratching the seven year itch as well. She didn't cheat, but she's been talking to this guy from HS for about a year. I guess he's been her sort-of therapist. She could have come to me about the problems. I've been pretty good with communicating with her since the beginning when something bothered me. I think her lack of communicating ties back to the problem I mentioned above.
I've certainly done some a-hole things. But so has she.
This is using a person. Keeping them around out of habit, because it serves some need for equilibrium or just plain convenience, whatever, when you aren't in love with them, don't want a relationship, and aren't happy with or fulfilled by the relationship is using them. And lazy. But definitely using them. It sounds line you've suck with/are considering sticking with her because it's preferable to being alone/starting over. And, yes, that is absolutely being a user. In addition to wasting somebody else's time. Your own, too, for that matter, but that's your own call to make.
This is using a person. Keeping them around out of habit, because it serves some need for equilibrium or just plain convenience, whatever, when you aren't in love with them, don't want a relationship, and aren't happy with or fulfilled by the relationship is using them. And lazy. But definitely using them. It sounds line you've suck with/are considering sticking with her because it's preferable to being alone/starting over. And, yes, that is absolutely being a user. In addition to wasting somebody else's time. Your own, too, for that matter, but that's your own call to make.
In that case, I guess we are perfect for each other. We are both users. She uses me for financial stability and as a crutch. But I use her as a companion and because I don't want to be alone.
She always claims to be happy, but I think she just puts up with me because of the support. If she were truly happy, she wouldn't have been secretly talking to this guy for a year and complaining about herself and our life. She felt bad about it, but only told me about it because I told her about the cheating incident.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ConeyGirl52
So what is your plan after leaving her?
We kind of already talked about this. My wife would move back to the West coast to live with family. I would stay here until my job is finished. Then I'm moving back East, or to France (preferably). She has a car and I have a car. We rent. We each have our own personal belongings. Luckily no kids.
I would just spend some time by myself, for myself... which I've never really done. Everything I've ever done has been to appease someone else, whether that be parents or wife. I attended grad school in MO for my wife, I decided to stay here and work for my wife.
We kind of already talked about this. My wife would move back to the West coast to live with family. I would stay here until my job is finished. Then I'm moving back East, or to France (preferably). She has a car and I have a car. We rent. We each have our own personal belongings. Luckily no kids.
You are married. Therefore...the money thing is hers as much as yours.
You made a list of things you find less than desirable with your wife...yet you cheated on her. In my book that is worse than her entire list combined.
In that case, I guess we are perfect for each other. We are both users. She uses me for financial stability and as a crutch. But I use her as a companion and because I don't want to be alone.
She always claims to be happy, but I think she just puts up with me because of the support. If she were truly happy, she wouldn't have been secretly talking to this guy for a year and complaining about herself and our life. She felt bad about it, but only told me about it because I told her about the cheating incident.
Again, with this level of unhappiness and contempt in your heart, why would you even consider keeping up the charade? You're wasting her time and yours.
*Bear in mind that being on your own may NOT increase your happiness. For most of us, it's something that's rooted within us.
You sound just like my ex! My marriage lasted 6 years, and that was 6 too many. Married to someone who really appreciates me now. Get a divorce already......
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