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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,951,955 times
Reputation: 40635
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JasperJade
No one can ever "hold down" a retail job. Retail is like being a server. I don't know anyone who was ever in the same retail job for more than a few months, and much of it is seasonal. Retail chains don't even want to hire full-time staff and will cobble together a bazillion part-time positions just to avoid paying benefits. So in terms of her jobs, what the woman needs is a career counselor, and the OP, as her husband, should have had a sit-down with her instead of running off and putting his d*ck in someone else.
That says a lot. I know people that have done them for years. I did them for years. Yes, the same job, while going to school and interning. And yes, I also was a server at a place for years. I know very few people that that kept rotating service sector jobs on their 20s. That's a really bad sign.
She doesn't need a career counselor. She dropped out of college. She needs a kick in the behind and some tough love. It shouldn't be this dude giving it to her though. Time she gets out on her own and grows up and start being self sufficient.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JasperJade
And obviously he, with his illustrious degree in--what, two foreign languages?--is sooooo upper-crusty, yet there he was, standing at the altar with her. Funny how he makes sooooooooo much money that he can afford to spring for two people to go to Europe, yet there he is, complaining about the difference a minimum-wage job makes in their household income? Doesn't compute. He's just looking for excuses and justifications for what he did.
Makes perfect sense. Been there, done that. I had my first career job and was living with a super attractive woman a few years younger. I was this dude, minus the marriage. This was Madison. She couldn't hold down a job (grocery store clerk, framing shop, Country Kitchen server, CVS, etc) for more than a couple of months. Spent most of the time on the couch smoking weed and watching TV. I was young and dumb, but even then it wore on me. Didn't need her pittance of money, but that's not the point. Thankfully I bailed on that just before going to grad school. She's still floundering from what I hear 20 years later.
No, there is no justification for this guy cheating, cheating is wrong, clearly.
But for serious, if it were the MAN who couldn't hold down a job, and dropped out of college, and is doing nothing with his life, then everybody would be screaming for his blood because he's a big huge loser! I really don't see how it's ok just because it's the woman. Sounds like she doesn't do her share at home, either.
No, there is no justification for him cheating on her. But for crying out loud, there is no justification for a grown adult acting like a spoiled baby, either! And honestly from what he says, I would not expect her to grow up, no matter if she gets career counseling or whatever. She doesn't feel any obligation to pull her own weight or do her own share. Her behavior reeks of entitlement.
OP, it sounds like you and she do not have children together. Thank your lucky stars. Don't put your willy in this woman ever again, lest that fate befall you. Break it off and move on. Acknowledge that you made a poor choice in her when you were too young to know any better, acknowledge that you cheating on her was a dick move, and try to do better in the future. Be grateful to the Powers That Be, that you don't have children, because they make it a lot harder to part with a loser and reset your life. I'd say take some time before you get into another serious relationship. Insist on only dating other independent, self-sufficient adults. Don't ever let someone you can't respect into your home and your life again.
Also, my wife will never be able to trust me again (and why would she). My wife wants counseling, but I think it's beyond that point.
- Sometimes trust and love can be rebuilt, sometimes it can't; it has to be determined on a case-by-case basis. Why not try counseling first? Remember, nobody is perfect - you are not perfect, she is not perfect, I'm not perfect. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Allow me to be another country heard from here. I think you should give marriage counselling an honest try. It's pretty clear that you both need some degree of work (as who doesn't?), and it may rescue your marriage. If you still decide to divorce afterward then maybe the counselling will enable you both to make better choices in the future.
You seem like a person has no control of his life and no insight into himself.
You got married because someone pressured you.
You were unhappy in a marriage, but kinda didn't realize it? Or were apathetic and took no action?
It took an affair with another person for you to realize you don't want to be married.
YOU need to get your act together and take control over your life and what happens to you.
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Anyone who says, "you could do so much better than her" is not a friend. Most people laugh comments like that off. Some even go so far as to drop the so-called "friend".
She wants another new car already? She can buy it herself. She can trade in the one that's a year old, and make payments on the new one with her paycheck, or she can get a second part-time job. This isn't rocket science. There's no reason she can't pay for the things she wants. If you two really cared for each other, the issues could be addressed through counseling, but it sounds like you're already splitting up. And fwiw, your wife could qualify herself for better and more stable jobs by taking an office skills course at a community college. They usually offer them on a choice of daytime and nighttime schedules, and in my state, a solid 5-month course like that, covering a variety of computer skills, costs a grand total of $40. The problems you two are having are not intractable; the main obstacle seems to be that you have no will to address them and stay in the marriage.
This story sounds like a good illustration of why many 20-somethings aren't mature enough to make a big life-changing decision like marriage.
I'm not saying he's a saint, he isn't, but it doesn't sound like she contributes a lick. How or why will she do better? No education. Can't hold down a job. Wants material possessions but can't pay for them.
Sorry, no one better is going to want that.
All we know is the list of things the OP thinks will make people dislike her. Should could be a lovely person. Maybe it was best for her baby to be raised by its father. Maybe she doesn't make as much but works hard. Maybe she has a heart of gold. Maybe she has made sacrifices for his career.
I will tell you, if it doesn't suit the OPs desire to dump her, he isn;t going to list it.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,951,955 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird
All we know is the list of things the OP thinks will make people dislike her. Should could be a lovely person. Maybe it was best for her baby to be raised by its father. Maybe she doesn't make as much but works hard. Maybe she has a heart of gold.
I will tell you, if it doesn't suit the OPs desire to dump her, he isn;t going to list it.
Maybe she works hard? Can't keep a job. Doesn't work Drops out of school. Someone else has to do everything for her. Sounds like a real hard worker.
If you don't believe the OP is telling the truth, that's fine, but there isn't any indication that this individual is a lovely person (I would say these things were in opposition to being a lovely person) or a hard worker, or has a "heart of gold".
Maybe she works hard? Can't keep a job. Doesn't work Drops out of school. Someone else has to do everything for her. Sounds like a real hard worker.
If you don't believe the OP is telling the truth, that's fine, but there isn't any indication that this individual is a lovely person (I would say these things were in opposition to being a lovely person) or a hard worker, or has a "heart of gold".
Yes. If you can't respect her, there is no relationship.
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