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This is kind of long and detailed, but I will try to make it as easy as I can to follow. I have no one to talk to about this, I'm completely alone so I really do need all the help I can get.
I have been dating/talking to a guy for 5 months now.
He's a guy I've known for years, we went to college together. We were on a co-ed team together during that time, and we had similar groups of friends so we were around each other a lot. He briefly dated an acquaintance of mine but it didn't work out. I had a boyfriend at the time we went to school together, so we never dated. But I always felt like he had a little crush on me. He left the school and I ended up graduating from there.
We kept in contact for the 2 years after he left up until I finished college and moved back home. It was mostly that we snapchatted here and there, at least twice a week. We remained in contact.
When I got home this past summer after I graduated, I worked at a camp and never had time to talk. About a month after I got home he told me that he really liked me and hoped I would give him a chance. He said he could see himself being with me for a long time.
I had always liked him too, so I decided to give him this chance. He would always tell me he was in awe that I was interested in him, that he thought I was out of his league, ect. He also said he always had a huge crush on me. He was really good about keeping up good communication. He always made plans to come see me, always tried his best.
The past 5 months, I've seen him twice. The first time I saw him he was so so nervous but everything was perfect. We had so much fun and he treated me like I felt I deserve to be treated, better than anyone has.
Things were smooth sailing for a long time after that up until recently. I would say it's been about 3 weeks that I've been having this problem with him, and just the past few days that I've started to freak out.
His job is very demanding. He works in a factory, 12 hour shifts at a time, never knowing what his job will be when he goes. Most recently he started having to take the night shift which is 6pm-6am so he has had to adjust his sleeping schedule and he says it's horrible. He tells me this job is making him miserable and he's starting to hate his life and feel dead inside.
I believe him. He's become horrible at communication. I used to always get a text when he woke up. That's mostly stopped. He will never tell me goodnight anymore..maybe because he goes to sleep in the morning but still.
So last week we made plans to hang out and I ended up going to his house. He lives about an hour from me. It was his day off and he's always so tired that we just sat and watched TV which I was fine with. Actually he ended up showing me around his town a little bit.
He even introduced me to his parents while I was there and made future plans so it put all of my worries at ease. I was so happy because it felt like things were back to normal. We texted when I got home and even through the next day and then he just quit talking. For about 3 days, almost 4.
On Christmas I messaged him 'Merry Christmas babe' which he replied 'Merry Christmas;]' and said he had to work that night so he was bummed.
I was kind of upset that I hadn't heard from him at all. Other times, our messages haven't gone through so one of us will think we haven't heard from the other person, but the phone is messing up. I didn't think about that this night before I started to get depressed.
I told him that I didn't mean to bother him and I started saying a bunch of crazy things that were completely out of my character and he kept asking me why I was saying all this stuff and where it was coming from. The next afternoon he messaged me and said 'just wanted to say hey, didn't want to bother you. You haven't replied to my message so I think I'm bothering you.' Turns out it was another phone error.
And things just got weird at this point. He started saying things like 'it's just a text' what really caught me off guard is when he said 'i feel like we're drifting apart' and then when I asked what he meant he said 'i felt like you thought we were drifting apart because of the stuff you've been saying.' So I felt better. So then I'll tell you some of the other crazy things he said, this was just yesterday.
'Yeah we've been talking for 5 months and we've hung out twice.' 'Even when I can hang out I never want to do anything because I'm so worn out.' 'All this talk about you bothering me, and you talk like I don't care about you anymore.' 'I just don't want you to be with someone who's gonna be in the worst mood just about all the time cause I know you are always in a good mood no matter what or try to make the best of it.' 'No that's not good for a healthy relationship [and then my nickname] I literally need some depression pills or a new job.'
I've tried to tell him to quit but he says he can't because it's the first time his dad has been proud of him [the company is rooted in his family] I then told him how good of a person he is and how any company would love to have him and then he just replied asking me how much I truly know about him. Which he would never say.
He's said all this crazy stuff since yesterday, it's like he flipped a switch. He's always been so in awe of me and felt so lucky to have me, I'm wondering if he's trying to end things? Or did he end things? I would think if he wanted it all to be over he would say so. But then today I hadn't heard from him so I messaged him and he's been very quick to reply but he feels distant. No smiley faces or anything like I'm used to. I'm wanting to know what I should think about all this and what I should do. Is it just a bad few days? He's literally been perfect for 5 months now and I know every relationship hits hard points but is he trying to give up? I know he's depressed and I think a lot of it is coming from the stress of his job, but what am I supposed to do and think? Do you think he still loves me? All this has literally been so recent, it's like he's flipped a switch overnight.
He is the nicest guy I have ever known. So patient, loving and understanding. We have the same values. He has such a love for others that I truly value, he would do anything for anyone in need. I don't want to lose a person like him. I truly love him and I felt like all this was perfect timing and it seemed so meant to be. It was a coincidence that we lived in close proximity to each other [which I found out only after we began talking]. Pure circumstance has made this relationship be what it is. It came with challenges from the beginning. We both new that and felt we could always work through our problems, we both decided to never give up. But when he said 'i don't want you to be with someone who's always in a bad mood' it sounded very breakup-ish to me and that's what has left me confused.
As much as it sounds crazy, this thing [or whatever you want to call it] with him is very real to me. Even though I haven't seen him as much as I would like, I have seen him and we established what we are. In the beginning, we started off knowing that we wouldn't see each other as much as we liked but what mattered is that we know we would be in the same place eventually. That was always the goal and it was something we've talked about frequently.
He came back into my life despite all odds, it would kill me to lose him.
This is kind of long and detailed, but I will try to make it as easy as I can to follow. I have no one to talk to about this, I'm completely alone so I really do need all the help I can get.
I have been dating/talking to a guy for 5 months now.
He's a guy I've known for years, we went to college together. We were on a co-ed team together during that time, and we had similar groups of friends so we were around each other a lot. He briefly dated an acquaintance of mine but it didn't work out. I had a boyfriend at the time we went to school together, so we never dated. But I always felt like he had a little crush on me. He left the school and I ended up graduating from there.
We kept in contact for the 2 years after he left up until I finished college and moved back home. It was mostly that we snapchatted here and there, at least twice a week. We remained in contact.
When I got home this past summer after I graduated, I worked at a camp and never had time to talk. About a month after I got home he told me that he really liked me and hoped I would give him a chance. He said he could see himself being with me for a long time.
I had always liked him too, so I decided to give him this chance. He would always tell me he was in awe that I was interested in him, that he thought I was out of his league, ect. He also said he always had a huge crush on me. He was really good about keeping up good communication. He always made plans to come see me, always tried his best.
The past 5 months, I've seen him twice. The first time I saw him he was so so nervous but everything was perfect. We had so much fun and he treated me like I felt I deserve to be treated, better than anyone has.
Things were smooth sailing for a long time after that up until recently. I would say it's been about 3 weeks that I've been having this problem with him, and just the past few days that I've started to freak out.
His job is very demanding. He works in a factory, 12 hour shifts at a time, never knowing what his job will be when he goes. Most recently he started having to take the night shift which is 6pm-6am so he has had to adjust his sleeping schedule and he says it's horrible. He tells me this job is making him miserable and he's starting to hate his life and feel dead inside.
I believe him. He's become horrible at communication. I used to always get a text when he woke up. That's mostly stopped. He will never tell me goodnight anymore..maybe because he goes to sleep in the morning but still.
So last week we made plans to hang out and I ended up going to his house. He lives about an hour from me. It was his day off and he's always so tired that we just sat and watched TV which I was fine with. Actually he ended up showing me around his town a little bit.
He even introduced me to his parents while I was there and made future plans so it put all of my worries at ease. I was so happy because it felt like things were back to normal. We texted when I got home and even through the next day and then he just quit talking. For about 3 days, almost 4.
On Christmas I messaged him 'Merry Christmas babe' which he replied 'Merry Christmas;]' and said he had to work that night so he was bummed.
I was kind of upset that I hadn't heard from him at all. Other times, our messages haven't gone through so one of us will think we haven't heard from the other person, but the phone is messing up. I didn't think about that this night before I started to get depressed.
I told him that I didn't mean to bother him and I started saying a bunch of crazy things that were completely out of my character and he kept asking me why I was saying all this stuff and where it was coming from. The next afternoon he messaged me and said 'just wanted to say hey, didn't want to bother you. You haven't replied to my message so I think I'm bothering you.' Turns out it was another phone error.
And things just got weird at this point. He started saying things like 'it's just a text' what really caught me off guard is when he said 'i feel like we're drifting apart' and then when I asked what he meant he said 'i felt like you thought we were drifting apart because of the stuff you've been saying.' So I felt better. So then I'll tell you some of the other crazy things he said, this was just yesterday.
'Yeah we've been talking for 5 months and we've hung out twice.' 'Even when I can hang out I never want to do anything because I'm so worn out.' 'All this talk about you bothering me, and you talk like I don't care about you anymore.' 'I just don't want you to be with someone who's gonna be in the worst mood just about all the time cause I know you are always in a good mood no matter what or try to make the best of it.' 'No that's not good for a healthy relationship [and then my nickname] I literally need some depression pills or a new job.'
I've tried to tell him to quit but he says he can't because it's the first time his dad has been proud of him [the company is rooted in his family] I then told him how good of a person he is and how any company would love to have him and then he just replied asking me how much I truly know about him. Which he would never say.
He's said all this crazy stuff since yesterday, it's like he flipped a switch. He's always been so in awe of me and felt so lucky to have me, I'm wondering if he's trying to end things? Or did he end things? I would think if he wanted it all to be over he would say so. But then today I hadn't heard from him so I messaged him and he's been very quick to reply but he feels distant. No smiley faces or anything like I'm used to. I'm wanting to know what I should think about all this and what I should do. Is it just a bad few days? He's literally been perfect for 5 months now and I know every relationship hits hard points but is he trying to give up? I know he's depressed and I think a lot of it is coming from the stress of his job, but what am I supposed to do and think? Do you think he still loves me? All this has literally been so recent, it's like he's flipped a switch overnight.
He is the nicest guy I have ever known. So patient, loving and understanding. We have the same values. He has such a love for others that I truly value, he would do anything for anyone in need. I don't want to lose a person like him. I truly love him and I felt like all this was perfect timing and it seemed so meant to be. It was a coincidence that we lived in close proximity to each other [which I found out only after we began talking]. Pure circumstance has made this relationship be what it is. It came with challenges from the beginning. We both new that and felt we could always work through our problems, we both decided to never give up. But when he said 'i don't want you to be with someone who's always in a bad mood' it sounded very breakup-ish to me and that's what has left me confused.
As much as it sounds crazy, this thing [or whatever you want to call it] with him is very real to me. Even though I haven't seen him as much as I would like, I have seen him and we established what we are. In the beginning, we started off knowing that we wouldn't see each other as much as we liked but what mattered is that we know we would be in the same place eventually. That was always the goal and it was something we've talked about frequently.
He came back into my life despite all odds, it would kill me to lose him.
OK, that last line is a little dramatic.
I think you need to calm down and regroup.
His new schedule is obviously VERY hard on him. DO NOT underestimate how tiring that kind of work is, and how relentless those hours can be. It sounds like you expected too much of him during an already busy time of year.
Just take a breath, wait a day, then text him something like, "Can we start over? Sorry I got needy over the holidays. I've been missing you and really want to be sure you know I enjoy being with you."
The truth is that the distance is not helping you. But freaking out won't help either.
I agree that you need to dial back your expectations while he's going through this extremely stressful period of working the night shift. Most likely, he's not getting enough sleep, which is affecting his mood and his ability to think straight.
It's a family-related business? Then why does he have to work the night shift? How long will this phase last, or does he not know?
In any case, you have no choice but to wait it out. Be understanding and supportive to the extent possible, but don't expect anything like a normal social life with him. Also make it clear that you're there for him if he needs you, and that the communication problems were due to your wonky phone.
Good luck, OP. Be patient. His schedule will change at some point, it won't be like this the rest of his life. Or he may decide to look for another job. Either way, regard this as temporary, and hang in there.
It's throwing me off because he's had these hours for 3 weeks now, and he's just started to pull away and act like this.
Yes it would bother me to lose him. The circumstances are what they are, regardless of how often we see each other. I still love him and the person he is, he brings so much joy to my life. I don't want to lose a good thing.
I don't get why he would act like this when he's worked so hard to be with his 'crush' of so many years. He always felt so lucky to even be talking to me and always has thought I was so out of his league, that this behavior from him makes no sense. He's always been terrified of losing me. I'm hoping it's just a bad few days but I'm not sure what to think at this point. All the crazy talk and no contact has me torn between thinking he's ended it or he just needs space because this job is starting to wear on him [even though it has been since he started]
None of this makes any sense to me.
It's throwing me off because he's had these hours for 3 weeks now, and he's just started to pull away and act like this.
Yes it would bother me to lose him. The circumstances are what they are, regardless of how often we see each other. I still love him and the person he is, he brings so much joy to my life. I don't want to lose a good thing.
I don't get why he would act like this when he's worked so hard to be with his 'crush' of so many years. He always felt so lucky to even be talking to me and always has thought I was so out of his league, that this behavior from him makes no sense. He's always been terrified of losing me. I'm hoping it's just a bad few days but I'm not sure what to think at this point. All the crazy talk and no contact has me torn between thinking he's ended it or he just needs space because this job is starting to wear on him [even though it has been since he started]
None of this makes any sense to me.
Really, you're still confused?
Admittedly, you are the one who began acting out of character, based on on insecurity, right?
Quote:
Originally Posted by kristen12
I started saying a bunch of crazy things that were completely out of my character and he kept asking me why I was saying all this stuff and where it was coming from.
Is it the lack of adoration that's throwing you off?
Quote:
Originally Posted by kristen12
I don't get why he would act like this when he's worked so hard to be with his 'crush' of so many years. He always felt so lucky to even be talking to me and always has thought I was so out of his league, that this behavior from him makes no sense. He's always been terrified of losing me.
That kind of initial glow can't be sustained indefinitely, you know, especially under extreme stress.
This is kind of long and detailed, but I will try to make it as easy as I can to follow. I have no one to talk to about this, I'm completely alone so I really do need all the help I can get.
I have been dating/talking to a guy for 5 months now.
He's a guy I've known for years, we went to college together. We were on a co-ed team together during that time, and we had similar groups of friends so we were around each other a lot. He briefly dated an acquaintance of mine but it didn't work out. I had a boyfriend at the time we went to school together, so we never dated. But I always felt like he had a little crush on me. He left the school and I ended up graduating from there.
We kept in contact for the 2 years after he left up until I finished college and moved back home. It was mostly that we snapchatted here and there, at least twice a week. We remained in contact.
When I got home this past summer after I graduated, I worked at a camp and never had time to talk. About a month after I got home he told me that he really liked me and hoped I would give him a chance. He said he could see himself being with me for a long time.
I had always liked him too, so I decided to give him this chance. He would always tell me he was in awe that I was interested in him, that he thought I was out of his league, ect. He also said he always had a huge crush on me. He was really good about keeping up good communication. He always made plans to come see me, always tried his best.
The past 5 months, I've seen him twice. The first time I saw him he was so so nervous but everything was perfect. We had so much fun and he treated me like I felt I deserve to be treated, better than anyone has.
Things were smooth sailing for a long time after that up until recently. I would say it's been about 3 weeks that I've been having this problem with him, and just the past few days that I've started to freak out.
His job is very demanding. He works in a factory, 12 hour shifts at a time, never knowing what his job will be when he goes. Most recently he started having to take the night shift which is 6pm-6am so he has had to adjust his sleeping schedule and he says it's horrible. He tells me this job is making him miserable and he's starting to hate his life and feel dead inside.
I believe him. He's become horrible at communication. I used to always get a text when he woke up. That's mostly stopped. He will never tell me goodnight anymore..maybe because he goes to sleep in the morning but still.
So last week we made plans to hang out and I ended up going to his house. He lives about an hour from me. It was his day off and he's always so tired that we just sat and watched TV which I was fine with. Actually he ended up showing me around his town a little bit.
He even introduced me to his parents while I was there and made future plans so it put all of my worries at ease. I was so happy because it felt like things were back to normal. We texted when I got home and even through the next day and then he just quit talking. For about 3 days, almost 4.
On Christmas I messaged him 'Merry Christmas babe' which he replied 'Merry Christmas;]' and said he had to work that night so he was bummed.
I was kind of upset that I hadn't heard from him at all. Other times, our messages haven't gone through so one of us will think we haven't heard from the other person, but the phone is messing up. I didn't think about that this night before I started to get depressed.
I told him that I didn't mean to bother him and I started saying a bunch of crazy things that were completely out of my character and he kept asking me why I was saying all this stuff and where it was coming from. The next afternoon he messaged me and said 'just wanted to say hey, didn't want to bother you. You haven't replied to my message so I think I'm bothering you.' Turns out it was another phone error.
And things just got weird at this point. He started saying things like 'it's just a text' what really caught me off guard is when he said 'i feel like we're drifting apart' and then when I asked what he meant he said 'i felt like you thought we were drifting apart because of the stuff you've been saying.' So I felt better. So then I'll tell you some of the other crazy things he said, this was just yesterday.
'Yeah we've been talking for 5 months and we've hung out twice.' 'Even when I can hang out I never want to do anything because I'm so worn out.' 'All this talk about you bothering me, and you talk like I don't care about you anymore.' 'I just don't want you to be with someone who's gonna be in the worst mood just about all the time cause I know you are always in a good mood no matter what or try to make the best of it.' 'No that's not good for a healthy relationship [and then my nickname] I literally need some depression pills or a new job.'
I've tried to tell him to quit but he says he can't because it's the first time his dad has been proud of him [the company is rooted in his family] I then told him how good of a person he is and how any company would love to have him and then he just replied asking me how much I truly know about him. Which he would never say.
He's said all this crazy stuff since yesterday, it's like he flipped a switch. He's always been so in awe of me and felt so lucky to have me, I'm wondering if he's trying to end things? Or did he end things? I would think if he wanted it all to be over he would say so. But then today I hadn't heard from him so I messaged him and he's been very quick to reply but he feels distant. No smiley faces or anything like I'm used to. I'm wanting to know what I should think about all this and what I should do. Is it just a bad few days? He's literally been perfect for 5 months now and I know every relationship hits hard points but is he trying to give up? I know he's depressed and I think a lot of it is coming from the stress of his job, but what am I supposed to do and think? Do you think he still loves me? All this has literally been so recent, it's like he's flipped a switch overnight.
He is the nicest guy I have ever known. So patient, loving and understanding. We have the same values. He has such a love for others that I truly value, he would do anything for anyone in need. I don't want to lose a person like him. I truly love him and I felt like all this was perfect timing and it seemed so meant to be. It was a coincidence that we lived in close proximity to each other [which I found out only after we began talking]. Pure circumstance has made this relationship be what it is. It came with challenges from the beginning. We both new that and felt we could always work through our problems, we both decided to never give up. But when he said 'i don't want you to be with someone who's always in a bad mood' it sounded very breakup-ish to me and that's what has left me confused.
As much as it sounds crazy, this thing [or whatever you want to call it] with him is very real to me. Even though I haven't seen him as much as I would like, I have seen him and we established what we are. In the beginning, we started off knowing that we wouldn't see each other as much as we liked but what mattered is that we know we would be in the same place eventually. That was always the goal and it was something we've talked about frequently.
He came back into my life despite all odds, it would kill me to lose him.
It's his job
What you can do, if you really like him, is to provide him with help with his job
"I know you're tired. Would you like me to drive you to and from work?" <-- if you live near him
OR MORNING COFFEE
HOOK HIM UP WITH SOME DAT COFFEE
What he needs is space and breathing room
Beer in the fridge
Clean living space
Space to chill da eff out
Say, "want me to get you a punching bag / punching gloves? You sound like you wanna release some of that work-related tension."
Or he might just say, "Go away!"
But men from time-to-time will need an outlet
You can be a go-to girlfriend or leave him be with his stressful job
It doesn't make any sense to you or to any woman alive because you don't have to put up with his daily work-related bull****
The best thing to do is be helpful/understanding,
or admit: "I don't really understand what it is exactly you go through, but if you need anything big or small I'm here to help my Love"
Sometimes despite how you might feel about the other person, life gets on top of you. You've also been really clingy which does nothing to alleviate his stress.
When I used to work crazy hours I decided I was better off not dating coz I get cranky when I'm tired and I wouldn't want to put someone through that. He might be feeling the same.
Tell him that you care and you understand he's going through a tough time. Then back off. Let him contact you next.
Get busy with your own life. Concentrate on your other goals. Start saving money and become an independent woman. If he comes back, fine. If not, you'll be in good shape to make something of yourself.
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