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My ex was my first love and my only relationship prior to the one I have now. We were good friends for years as kids and we grew up together throughout high school dating until we did long distance while he was in the military and things got sticky with too much pulling us in diff directions and him preparing for war and he broke up with me. He did try to get me back months later but I've already tried moving on and chose my bf because I wanted to see where things went and I was happy with him. You see, my ex and I were good friends but we didn't function well together. There was trust issues, when we were teens I did find some sexting (pics of his penis) which broke the trust I had for him from that point on for 3 more years I would wonder and snoop.
Anyways, as I moved on 6 years ago he was getting deployed and immediately met someone and got married. She made him block all communication with me and some other people, untag and delete all photos we've had together, and was super controlling (as I hear from his friends and family). Before blocking me he apologized for not being a great boyfriend before. So I haven't talked to him in years. But now they're divorced and he contacted me on Facebook. I seriously thought I just cared about him and no feelings were there.. so we talked and catched up. Talked about quantum physics and philosophy (something I can't really do with anyone else), he said his marriage was the worst relationship he ever had and she was emotionally abusive and manipulated him with his PTSD, and I told him that we can keep in touch once in a blue moon with short chats but I have to be very distant from him out of respect for my bf. My boyfriend knows that my ex contacted me and I'll be keeping in touch with boundaries and is okay with it.
But I feel horrible because talking to my ex has been making me think of him non stop. I don't desire to BE with him romantically or sexually. I keep wondering what if, maybe he's changed, wishing to be friends, wishing to double date, maybe he'll find someone good and we can all be friends which is highly unlikely and awkward, it's like a mix of confusions. Maybe I'm lying to myself and I do have feelings for him? But I know I don't think I can be with him. Before he contacted me I was so happy in my relationship, happiest I've been with someone. My bf is like everything a relationship should be and I would feel butterflies even after many years with him. So I'm really confused why I'm feeling this way about my ex. I want to turn the energy once back to my bf and not my ex...but since I've ceased contact and don't plan on talking to my ex often or soon because obviously it's making me confused I don't know what the hell this feeling is.
I can tell my ex still cares or else he wouldn't have found me and reached out. He told me he didn't want to disrespect my relationship and will keep his distance as I wished. I feel bad and I feel like I can't find my thoughts on my boyfriend anymore and it's all about how my ex is doing. What is this??? I don't plan to be with him, why am I so confused on how I feel?
Last edited by angelfire7; 12-29-2015 at 06:56 AM..
Definitely the nostalgia factor. When we're away from the relationship for a while, we look back and remember the good stuff...not all the things that broke us up with the person. We also just remember being younger - even if it's only a few years younger. That in itself is nostalgic and, whether accurately or not (usually "not"), it makes us think of an "easier," more carefree time (not every single person, but overall). No matter what we may have been going through at the time, we were younger. Fresher. Had fewer years under our belt.
I had an ex hunt me down 10 (yes, 10!) years after our breakup. This was just overlapping between the internet in its sorta-infancy (as far as being utilized by a majority of people) and just starting to make it easier to find people. All the same old problems were there. Every single one. Because they were basic clashes of philosophy.
Keep your fond memories but leave this guy where he should be...away from you, and you away from him.
Definitely the nostalgia factor. When we're away from the relationship for a while, we look back and remember the good stuff...not all the things that broke us up with the person. We also just remember being younger - even if it's only a few years younger. That in itself is nostalgic and, whether accurately or not (usually "not"), it makes us think of an "easier," more carefree time (not every single person, but overall). No matter what we may have been going through at the time, we were younger. Fresher. Had fewer years under our belt.
I had an ex hunt me down 10 (yes, 10!) years after our breakup. This was just overlapping between the internet in its sorta-infancy (as far as being utilized by a majority of people) and just starting to make it easier to find people. All the same old problems were there. Every single one. Because they were basic clashes of philosophy.
Keep your fond memories but leave this guy where he should be...away from you, and you away from him.
Nice to know I'm not alone, I suppose my situation is pretty common. I am going to distance myself away from him. I thought I could handle catching up but the conversation went longer than it should have for about an hour. I need to put up stricter boundaries like maybe talk once a year or every two yrs, once in a blue moon and keep it short if he does contact me. No hostility, but to keep it very short. I don't think I'll be reaching out to him....Even if I blocked him I think the wonder is always going to be there but it's better if I distance myself and put strict boundaries.
To be honest if he had a wife I think it'd be easier to talk to him and not wonder "what ifs". Even if I was single I wouldn't be jumping into his arms, I'd be friends somewhat. Just doesn't seem like the right thing and I feel we're meant to work better as friends like we were originally. It helps to sometime read my diary and read about the nights I spent crying because he just put his feelings first, people can change but rarely do and it's not something worth losing my bf over to find out. Before he contacted me I felt like I had it figured out like I was passionately in love and such after many years...we just match together. I have to keep in mind that is is just the nostalgia. I just wish I could really have truly platonic feelings and not wonder.
I can tell my ex still cares or else he wouldn't have found me and reached out. He told me he didn't want to disrespect my relationship and will keep his distance as I wished. I feel bad and I feel like I can't find my thoughts on my boyfriend anymore and it's all about how my ex is doing. What is this??? I don't plan to be with him, why am I so confused on how I feel?
I need to put up stricter boundaries like maybe talk once a year or every two yrs, once in a blue moon and keep it short if he does contact me. No hostility, but to keep it very short. I don't think I'll be reaching out to him....Even if I blocked him I think the wonder is always going to be there but it's better if I distance myself and put strict boundaries.
To be honest if he had a wife I think it'd be easier to talk to him and not wonder "what ifs". Even if I was single I wouldn't be jumping into his arms, I'd be friends somewhat. Just doesn't seem like the right thing and I feel we're meant to work better as friends like we were originally.
You don't "need" to talk to him at all, even once a year. Thats not being hostile. It's being smart.
If you don't want to fall over the cliff, don't walk near the edge.
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