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I just want to share my experience with everyone on here, especially those that are exploring their sexual identity and dating.
Some people have probably already seen some of my other threads where I am currently bi closeted on the verge of coming out. I always knew I was attracted to both men and women, but I never explored anything with men until I was 25 (currently I am 30). My encounters were purely only sexual with men, never emotional, where with women it was emotional and sexual. Not until 2015 did I have any desire to date men.
In early 2015 I met this guy who is bi closeted and we fell in love. We actually never did anything because he was married and with kids. He wanted to, but I didn't allow it. We did have an emotional affair (which I found out via C-D). Shutting down those feelings was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do as he would have been a man I would have come out of the closet to be with. In late fall an incident happened in his marriage that opened up my feelings towards him once again and gave us a potential window to date. But this time I really needed to learn my lesson. I decided to move on and I killed that love I had for him, and added complete distance. It hurt for some days. However the true cure was I began dating and meeting other guys.
So far the experience has been interesting. I never dated guys before, and I must say I have been severely disappointed. Since October I have been on dates with 7 different guys, 6 are gay 1 is bi (and I only got intimate with two in case you are wondering). Out of those 7, all but one has wanted one thing from these dates which is SEX. They only wanted sex and there is a sense of selfishness and I just couldn't connect with any of them emotionally. I couldn't see myself with any of them in regards to a LTR. For crying out loud one of them told me his goal was to be mean like Meryl Streep's character in The Devil Wears Prada and if nothing came out of our date he would love to be my gossip ***** (what the hell is that?) and I wanted to puke. It was horrible. Another one we went to the movies, and in the middle of the movie he grabs my hand and places it on his crotch and whispers in my ear how much he wants me, and this was our first date! I obviously pulled away.
On the flip side all except one really wanted to continue something with me, part of it is my personality, everyone always tells me that I am super refreshing to be around, I am pretty handsome (I know sounds conceited) and extremely masculine, where no one would ever guess I was bi. It's also been tough having to reject them all even as I have given them hints but some don't seem to want to quit, even sending me naked pictures to convince me otherwise. I was told that this behavior is more common than not in the gay world when it comes to dating. It actually really depressed me and made me wonder if this is what the future holds?
After date 6 I was about to give up and switch back to dating girls and even started talking to women online through dating sites. With women it was going okay in regards to our online chats but I was so disappointed with the dates with men that I automatically felt more emotionally comfortable around women which was a nice change. That was until date 7 this past week.
Date 7 with this guy was amazing. We had a blast, he was masculine, ambitious, smart and a big plus was he is drop dead gorgeous. It's funny because we actually had women come up and talk to us. A women came up and told us she thought we were attractive and even the waitress was super flirty with the both of us. Superficial stuff aside, our conversations went great. We found out we studied abroad in the same country, we're both very aligned in that we want for kids/family. We both barely watch TV (I only allow myself to watch 6 hours of TV per week) because we both like to spend time on more meaningful stuff. Professionally we were both very ambitious. We even had a moment (and by moment where we tuned everything out around us) where I discovered his favorite bar (a straight bar) in the whole city was actually my favorite bar too (and there are hundreds of bars we are in Chicago) and that we both frequent it like on a monthly basis meaning we have crossed paths at some point I am sure. He told me he is also disappointed in dating guys that there is a lot of selfishness in the gay community and he just isn't aligned to it. I am big on volunteering, where I volunteer at homeless shelters and senior citizens homes on a weekly basis and I found out he does too but he does volunteer work with kids. Best of all, we had NO talk of sex at all, which was so refreshing. After the date we texted and we both said how we really enjoyed each other's company. He told me I was very refreshing to be around, and would like to meet again which I agreed.
Now who knows if this could turn into a relationship or not, I just take it one day at a time and too early to tell. But with that being said it made me realize that maybe I was giving up too quickly. That you have to kiss a lot of frogs to really find that person you click with. In a sense I also felt like I was giving up again on my sexuality and how I am. It felt great, and while I am taking it one day at a time not knowing where this will go, it helped reaffirm who I am, and what I want out of a relationship.
So for anyone dating out there, when things seem tough and you are disappointed, just keep chugging along, for every 6 dates there might be 1 amazing one. Not an easy road, but I guess if you focus on the destination rather than the sometimes painful journey it helps a lot!
Last edited by UrbanCheetah; 01-08-2016 at 02:02 PM..
You betcha, I've learned a LOT about myself since entering the realm of dating in the last 8 months.
- I'm not actually into casual sex even though I don't want to commit past a certain point with anyone.
- There are things I like, and things I don't, about polyamory, but for the most part it works for me.
- I cannot deal with insecurity or jealousy in a partner beyond a fleeting spate of emotion. If it's a big part of who they are, I have to avoid that and not date them.
- I have needs in the realm of s/m and power exchange that, now that I know how fulfilling that is, I doubt if I'll want to NOT have those needs met in future relationships.
- I really do like older men, and I really do have trouble taking men my age or younger, seriously.
- Being set on fire can be a lot of fun under the right circumstances.
- omg Hitachi wand I had no idea
You betcha, I've learned a LOT about myself since entering the realm of dating in the last 8 months.
- I'm not actually into casual sex even though I don't want to commit past a certain point with anyone.
- There are things I like, and things I don't, about polyamory, but for the most part it works for me.
- I cannot deal with insecurity or jealousy in a partner beyond a fleeting spate of emotion. If it's a big part of who they are, I have to avoid that and not date them.
- I have needs in the realm of s/m and power exchange that, now that I know how fulfilling that is, I doubt if I'll want to NOT have those needs met in future relationships.
- I really do like older men, and I really do have trouble taking men my age or younger, seriously.
- Being set on fire can be a lot of fun under the right circumstances.
- omg Hitachi wand I had no idea
Kudos to your peak-out-of-the-closet here on CD... As soon I read the opening line, I thought to myself, "Wait." He said, "...currently bi, closeted, on the verge of coming out..." I'd say you took big step out of that closet by posting this post. You're on your way out of that closet, and ... good for you. People are people. Be who you are. Find your normal, continue with basic human kindness and loving thought.
You know, especially, for yourself.
I think you're gonna do fine... based on what you've said here. Just don't be a dick, you know? And, be honest about things, and always keep checking in with yourself, you know? Am I happy? Is this working? Is it working for me? Because, I'll tell you... it's not fun when you realize you spent ... really, only three and half, four years with a selfish, unfeeling *******—you made a beautiful baby with him, even (insert hilariously-funny, dead-panned, but meant nicely and quite possibly... fact based witty remark. )...
Yeah. I knew he was dick long before I left... My point is watch your back. It take a long long time to really get to know a person. Time will tell... and, if they're charming you like crazy... that's the time to watch out for inconsistencies in their words and behavior. That's also the time where, if they're anything like my son's father, the are very charming and attentive... so it's easy to get sucked in. Just guard your heart, but don't shut the damn thing down like I did. ****, I then spent at least 15 years, many of them without issue... I was perfectly fine to not be...having... you know... doing... what I hope I get to do maybe one more time, please, before my time is done...
Geez. I just babbled on like a nutcase, here, haven't I? ...could be my problem... maybe, ...hmmm.
Anyway, don't do that, and it sounds as though you do fine... Whatever happens, remember you probably wanna be able to look back on everything and know you were sincere, you meant well, and that you showed integrity as best you knew how. Just, don't... you know... be a dick.
I have not read any of your threads, ...that I remember. Course, it's completely possible I posted in one of your earlier threads and have forgotten. Now that I think about it...UrbanCheetah does seem familiar... wait a minute! Did a CD-er make a big stink in one of your threads? I may have do a post search on myself... never have. *gawd, am I in a weird mood*
And, another thing... actually, a few paraphrased quotes:
"You must be fulfilled with yourself before you can be fulfilled by another person. And, uh, same goes for them."
"You can't be happy with someone until you are perfectly happy with yourself."
"You complete you, Jerry Maguire"
*Omg, it's 3 in the morning... no wonder I'm weird*
Best to you, UrbanCheetah.
PS: I am NOT proofreading this...
You betcha, I've learned a LOT about myself since entering the realm of dating in the last 8 months.
- I'm not actually into casual sex even though I don't want to commit past a certain point with anyone.
- There are things I like, and things I don't, about polyamory, but for the most part it works for me.
- I cannot deal with insecurity or jealousy in a partner beyond a fleeting spate of emotion. If it's a big part of who they are, I have to avoid that and not date them.
- I have needs in the realm of s/m and power exchange that, now that I know how fulfilling that is, I doubt if I'll want to NOT have those needs met in future relationships.
- I really do like older men, and I really do have trouble taking men my age or younger, seriously.
- Being set on fire can be a lot of fun under the right circumstances.
- omg Hitachi wand I had no idea
I'm sure there's more. But not for this forum.
Being set on fire CAN be fun under certain circumstances... LOL!!!
Congrats, OP! I totally agree, and subscribe to this mindset. Being true to yourself is the absolute only way to succeed! Especially in Love, because even if you don't "win", you learn! & Knowledge applied is power. * Internal gravity is what draws correct (+) things to you. Rather than you being drawn to the stronger (+/-) energies of another down their path.. Keep on!
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