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I have been interested in this woman for 2 years, I asked her out last year and she said she wasn't ready for a relationship, then I saw her out recently and we had a great time so I asked her out again, she accepted and we went out for dinner. We had a fantastic time together but there were some red flags. About 2 hours into the date she told me she started dating this guy when she was 20 years old (now she is 35), he told her he was 26, when she was 22, (he 28) she found out he was 38. She told me she continued to see him for 8 more years (10 total) and he mentally abused her everyday, to what extent I don't know. She told me she got out of that situation 5 years ago but when she was with him they bought property together and she owns all the loans. She says she doesn't see him anymore but she does talk to him because of the properties and assured me she wants nothing to do with him.
After the 2nd date she starting telling me how great I am and how no one has every treated her so well, she told me she was so happy and I sucked it up and continued to give her compliments. We went out 4 times and all 4 times were fantastic and she seemed really into me but now she has changed I tried calling her and left a message for her to call me and she responded via text "no thank you", I haven't spoken with her in a week. I didn't like the disrespect of "no thank you" after I have been so kind to her.
I am 45 years old. Should I run? In the 4 dates I was with her I know she has trust, fear, possibly commitment issues that I would love to fix but I can't fix them she has to fix them on her own.
Do I leave her alone and move on and if she come back then go from there? Part of me feels like I'm to old for this drama but I really do think she is a fantastic woman, unless I find out she is with someone else after all we weren't in a relationship just in the getting to know each other phase.
I also find it weird that if she has been free of this guy for 5 years, I'm sure she has dated other men, why didn't she tell me about them why is she going back 15 years to the guy that abused her, kind of makes me think she still has feelings for him. She says she doesn't. Don't know because I have no idea what is going on in her mind, she shutdown and became cold and rude.
Last edited by EmilyP78; 01-12-2016 at 07:04 AM..
Reason: Another question
I have been interested in this woman for 2 years, I asked her out last year and she said she wasn't ready for a relationship, then I saw her out recently and we had a great time so I asked her out again, she accepted and we went out for dinner. We had a fantastic time together but there were some red flags. About 2 hours into the date she told me she started dating this guy when she was 20 years old (now she is 35), he told her he was 26, when she was 22, (he 28) she found out he was 38. She told me she continued to see him for 8 more years (10 total) and he mentally abused her everyday, to what extent I don't know. She told me she got out of that situation 5 years ago but when she was with him they bought property together and she owns all the loans. She says she doesn't see him anymore but she does talk to him because of the properties and assured me she wants nothing to do with him.
After the 2nd date she starting telling me how great I am and how no one has every treated her so well, she told me she was so happy and I sucked it up and continued to give her complements. We went out 4 times and all 4 times were fantastic and she seemed really into me but now she has changed I tried calling her and left a message for her to call me and she responded via text "no thank you", I haven't spoken with her in a week. I didn't like the disrespect of "no thank you" after I have been so kind to her.
I am 45 years old. Should I run? In the 4 dates I was with her I know she has trust, fear, possibly commitment issues that I would love to fix but I can't fix them she has to fix them on her own.
Do I leave her alone and move on and if she come back then go from there? Part of me feels like I'm to old for this drama but I really do think she is a fantastic woman, unless I find out she is with someone else after all we weren't in a relationship just in the getting to know each other phase.
I know the feeling- you invested all this time and you felt there was or there is a connection- which I think there is. She gave you her life story (which is the most FORTUNATE aspect) because you now have something to work with.
Emilyp- no matter what you think, you can't fix anyone unless you spend a lot of time and get to know them on a NON-INTIMATE level. This will take patience and a lot of time/care. The worst possible outcome is to put yourself in a position where you are "fixing" someone while trying to date them and don't even know them.
She has issues and you have acknowledged these issues- and so have I. You need to leave this one alone (despite me thinking you really won't take this advice). I am telling you that this is not where you want to be ESPECIALLY at 45 years of age. You can be there for her as a friend because we are supposed to help others. But don't get too deep or else you will create an unhealthy environment for the both of you.
I see no disrespect in "No thank you", she has decided she does not want another date and she stated such very clearly.
You already stated you decided to "suck it up" on the second date and it was your choice to ask for more dates. It is also her choice to turn you down.
OP, for her to say no thank you, did you ask her a question (do you want to go out etc etc..?)
She has a lot of mental baggage to carry. I was hoping she would at least tell you why the 'no thank you' but consider yourself lucky that you might have avoided a bigger item with her as in dealing with possible relapse.
Seems that you were nice to her and complimented her a lot. She is probably not used to it and most likely has severe trust issues. She probably just needed someone to vent her mind and you happened to be there.
As much as it stinks, move on, if she doesn't give you the time of the day after you were nice to her, she doesn't deserve you. She most likely has issues that she needs to deal with and can't be bothered.
She went back 15 years to tell you about that guy, because she still has financial ties to him. She thought things might go somewhere with you, so she wanted you to know her dealings with the ex were purely financial, nothing more. She was doing the right thing by disclosing that to you.
Then, she changed her mind about you. There's no way to know why, unless she later contacts you to tell you why. Very odd, but she clearly has unresolved baggage. You don't need an on-again, off-again situation, do you? What she did, basically, is tell you "It's not you, it's me", and that's the truth. She may well have a lot of work to do on herself before she can be in a good, stable, loving relationship. I know it doesn't make sense, but that's the way it is, sometimes.
You'll have to look elsewhere for relationship material, OP. Good luck.
That part, I get. She was giving him so many signals that she was into him, that he was going full speed ahead, then he hit a wall, and is left wondering, "How did this wall get here?"
What I don't get is the part about "sucking up" compliments, as if they were something bad. She was enjoying herself with him, and was vocal about it, but he says, "I sucked it up". What does that mean?
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 01-12-2016 at 11:40 AM..
OP, for her to say no thank you, did you ask her a question (do you want to go out etc etc..?)
She has a lot of mental baggage to carry. I was hoping she would at least tell you why the 'no thank you' but consider yourself lucky that you might have avoided a bigger item with her as in dealing with possible relapse.
Seems that you were nice to her and complimented her a lot. She is probably not used to it and most likely has severe trust issues. She probably just needed someone to vent her mind and you happened to be there.
As much as it stinks, move on, if she doesn't give you the time of the day after you were nice to her, she doesn't deserve you. She most likely has issues that she needs to deal with and can't be bothered.
Consider this a blessing in disguise
Asgardian, I was going to ask her out again but she didn't know that, some people think that there is nothing wrong with "no thank you", I believe it is disrespectful, she could of just said sorry I'm not really in a mood now, when I want to talk I'll call you and then never call if she isn't interested. Why burn the bridge? The last time I spoke with her and texted her everything was great, I feel like I got blindsided and she did a complete 180 on me all of a sudden. I received no explanation from her and I never asked I just thought to myself how can someone be so rude to a person that was nothing but kind to her. She told me that she would never take my kindness for granted, What do you call this? Maybe she was interested in someone else, maybe her ex came back, maybe she was using me to make someone else jealous, but the things she told me and texted me made me feel/think she was really into me. I think I need to walk away and if she comes back she will have to contact me. It is what it is, Right?
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There's no way to know why, unless she later contacts you to tell you why. Very odd, but she clearly has unresolved baggage. You don't need an on-again, off-again situation, do you? What she did, basically, is tell you "It's not you, it's me", and that's the truth. She may well have a lot of work to do on herself before she can be in a good, stable, loving relationship. I know it doesn't make sense, but that's the way it is, sometimes. 
