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No, your post implies that the OP line of thought comes out of a place of malicious intent.
No you assumed that and you don't know what the OPs intent was, it could very well have been malicious or it couldn't have been. You nor I know the OP or the people involved to say what his intent was, I gave my opinion based of what he stated period and you're not the OP so you can't tell me my opinion is wrong. Especially given you pretty much said the same thing I did, saying not to view dating as a competition is no different than saying not to treat dating as a game.
Exactly. There is something remarkably self-centered about this poster. She was never into him. I am not sure there was even a real "date" in the first place. ("After-dinner date" sounds like they unintentionally ended up alone after a work dinner). But somehow, he is in a "competition" for her favor? He has the right to give her the silent treatment because she is in a relationship with someone other than him?
Not cool, man. Act like an adult in the workplace and let it go.
Thank you all for the feedback so far. I totally understand if this story has rubbed some of you the wrong way; I'm self-aware of my ****-ups and am owning up to them, though I wish I'd done so much, much earlier.
Believe it or not she did reciprocate my feelings somewhat, though nowhere near to the extent of what I'd felt (which I understand in hindsight,as they were alarmingly deep). That's what led to that date (a genuine, proper date). She wasn't callous at all in letting me down; she did so politely and regretfully.
We even went to catch a movie a month or so after said date, though it was more subdued and platonic (which I intended, as I didn't want to scare her off as I did the first time). Unfortunately the movie sucked as did that outing; it didn't feel like we were on the same wavelength anymore. Perhaps she felt like she was giving off mixed signals as she grew distant shortly after this.
Deep down, and well beyond treating this as a game of winners and losers, not handling rejection gracefully and letting my ego and emotions turn me into this ugly, petty person...I'm just heartbroken that I gave it my all and it didn't work out. I never meant to hurt anyone. But I'm genuinely trying to grow and not make the same mistakes again...I want to be happy, and to share that happiness with someone.
OP, you may need to seek professional help to get this part of your life worked out and move past it.
Just because she rejected you does not mean you are unworthy, it merely means you were not compatable for her.
There are plenty of women out there and as hurt as you are, allow yourself to grieve the loss and start the healing process.
Beyond that, wish them well and let it all go.
Thank you all for the feedback so far. I totally understand if this story has rubbed some of you the wrong way; I'm self-aware of my ****-ups and am owning up to them, though I wish I'd done so much, much earlier.
Believe it or not she did reciprocate my feelings somewhat, though nowhere near to the extent of what I'd felt (which I understand in hindsight,as they were alarmingly deep). That's what led to that date (a genuine, proper date). She wasn't callous at all in letting me down; she did so politely and regretfully.
We even went to catch a movie a month or so after said date, though it was more subdued and platonic (which I intended, as I didn't want to scare her off as I did the first time). Unfortunately the movie sucked as did that outing; it didn't feel like we were on the same wavelength anymore. Perhaps she felt like she was giving off mixed signals as she grew distant shortly after this.
Deep down, and well beyond treating this as a game of winners and losers, not handling rejection gracefully and letting my ego and emotions turn me into this ugly, petty person...I'm just heartbroken that I gave it my all and it didn't work out. I never meant to hurt anyone. But I'm genuinely trying to grow and not make the same mistakes again...I want to be happy, and to share that happiness with someone.
There you have it. Do you still believe the OP is some sick malicious person now?
There you have it. Do you still believe the OP is some sick malicious person now?
Oh calm down for whatever reason you are taking this way too personally and for the record I never felt OP was a malicious person as I don't know him to know what his intent was. However from a woman's perspective I can clearly see why someone would be turned off by him. It's a personal issue within OP that he knows he needs to handle and change otherwise he's going to continue to scare women off. No woman would be welcoming of the OPs behavior which is evident because she moved on.
Where you and I differ is that I don't see OP as a victim because he's not.
Oh calm down for whatever reason you are taking this way too personally and for the record I never felt OP was a malicious person as I don't know him to know what his intent was. However from a woman's perspective I can clearly see why someone would be turned off by him. It's a personal issue within OP that he knows he needs to handle and change otherwise he's going to continue to scare women off. No woman would be welcoming of the OPs behavior which is evident because she moved on.
Where you and I differ is that I don't see OP as a victim because he's not.
Not attacking the OP and not seeing the worse in him means I see him as a victim? Okay got it.
I feel Shysister is being ridiculously harsh and demeaning to the OP. All unnecessarily so.
OP, there are others of us who do not take a negative approach to what you have explained about yourself, and I see you as quite self-aware and humble about your human frailties or failings.
I see a better future for you. And I would ignore the unreasonable harshness from any other poster here, who just try to hurt others when they are down and try to demean others when there is no cause to do so.
Your post as well as your replies is a good example of why you *general you* should not spend too much time alone with someone of the opposite sex with whom you are not romantically interested in when the other person is.
Your feelings are not going to change no matter how much time alone you spend with the other person.
I've shared various chapters of this "novel" on this board in this past, so here's the abbreviated version as I'm looking to close the book on this for good:
- Befriended a girl at work (small non-profit), became deeply infatuated with her as I got to know and spend time with her.
- Months of infatuation culminated in an after-dinner date, which went really well until I misread her intentions and bungled things up towards the end.
- Was rejected by her shortly afterwards, partly because of my mistake and because she ultimately didn't feel for me romantically. We maintained a friendship, but I was devastated and guilt-stricken in private.
- There's a mutual friend/co-worker of ours who similarly felt for and pursued her during this time, albeit more outwardly. It developed into an unspoken, awkward love triangle, where all of the parties involved were aware of each other's feelings/intentions, but never spoke up about it.
- Some time after the date she gradually stopped contacting and hanging out with me like she used to, and started spending more time with him. Won't lie, I felt extremely hurt and jealous over being faded in favor of him. I also beat myself up over it as I felt there was something wrong or inferior about me that led to this fade. All of these emotions got the best of me and prompted me to act cold/indifferent towards her, which made things awkward and tense.
- We reconciled somewhat a couple of months later, though neither of us were totally honest with each other (about the love triangle and our feelings) as we didn't want to go there. I did it for the sake of peace at the workplace and the circle of friends/co-workers which we're both a part of.
- Last month at a b-day dinner for one of our former co-workers, I sat next to the both of them and caught them being touchy-feely under the table. Much as I'd feared all along, she moved on and is dating him in private. It broke my heart.
- I went cold on her again, as it's gotten to the point where it hurts seeing them together in and out of the workplace. Things are once again awkward between me and her, but I've otherwise been cool with our mutual friend throughout all of this.
So yeah...I fell HARD and hurt even HARDER when things didn't work out and when she moved on to someone within the same circle.
I've also felt like a scumbag for losing my cool and acting like a moody dick, as they've both genuinely good people that have largely been warm, patient and friendly towards me despite their secret relationship. It's not the kind of person that I am; I've been acting out of hurt because I've felt wronged and don't know how to cope.
To my credit I've tried my damnedest to move on in the months after that date; went on dates, had a hookup or two. They reminded me that I'm date-able and have redeeming qualities, things which I'd lost sight of. But I don't think I can truly move on until I come to terms with this.
Too much time, energy and happiness spent over this...I promised myself going into 2016 that I'd let go of this hurt and anger towards them, forgive myself and make things right, somehow. But I'm stuck in a hole that I've dug myself into, and don't know how to get out.
Any advice would be appreciated, thanks.
So you are emotionally distressed and heartbroken over a woman who you've never had sex with? That's interesting since a lot of the men here say that they don't get emotionally attached prior to sex.
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It broke my heart.
