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I'm 22 years old, never been kissed virgin. I'm not upset about this per say, but I wish I could be with someone. It's not that I'm not attractive or have a bad personality, it's just I have this fear of getting closer to someone. I'm aware of the problem, but I just don't know what to do about it.
I have no problem with men being attracted to me, having crushes on me, or hitting on me. But when they try to take it the next level (actually try to date me, or want to hook up) I get very uncomfortable. I turn into a child with an, "ew, yucky sex" mentality. Like I said before, I have no problem with men finding me attractive, but when I realize they have sexual desires for me, it freaks me out. I love fantasizing about sex and I play with myself from time to time, but when I'm not daydreaming, and actually think about the act it truly freaks me out. I thought I was asexual, but I'm perfectly attracted to men.
I'm like the definition of, "You can look, but can't touch"
I don't have a history of sexual abuse, but I do have my fair share of experience with teasing and bullying (as any child) and sometimes I wonder if that played a part in my fear of being open, and someone actually "knowing me". The idea of belonging to someone scares me, and I don't know why. My parents have a seemingly happy marriage, and have been together for years. I don't have daddy issues, my dad's my BFF, my amigo, my homie for life!
I turn into a little girl when the topic of sex is brought up, but then I realize I'm 22 years old, this behavior is no longer cute. It's getting into the weird territory. My peers enjoy sex and talking about with no precaution, and here I am going "ew, boyz r totally gross" like a 9 year old. I think I'm just not mature in that stage maybe, because I'm very adult in other topics.
I get awkward around guys I find attractive, or men that blatantly find me attractive. The only guys I like are the ones that are gay, and the ones that don't seem interested. I don't have a problem gushing over hunky male stars , but I clam up when it comes to real every day men. I also hate flirting, and never know what to actually do or say spur of the moment.
It sounds to me like you just need to "get it out of your system". Once you do the "dirty deed" and be done with it you will quickly realize how insignificant it actually is. Having sex is completely natural as is being naked. I think the only reason it weighs so hard on you is because you have gone so long without experimenting. I really think experimentation is probably the best route to go. Find someone you trust and slowly take things to the next level. Stay safe while doing it of course.
I'm sure others will also recommend some sort of therapy if your anxiety is that bad. I'm assuming you aren't in need of therapy, based on your post you sound pretty typical. It isn't like I sense that you have high social anxiety or anything.
Yes. I've had past crushes, all men. I have female crushes but they're not romantic, they're more like "I wanna be like her" fascination, more than an actual sexual desire.
I think you should stop beating yourself up. Everybody is scared of intimacy. It's scary to put yourself out there, to risk getting hurt or rejected. And it's part of the thrill. It's that trepidation that is the butterflies in your stomach, the feeling that you are losing control, the dizzying wonder of wanting to be with another person in every way possible.
You have an off-putting defense mechanism, going into little-girl mode (does that defense mechanism jump into gear in other stress situations?), which you can control. It will take practice, but you can control it.
And in the meantime, don't fret so much. You will meet someone who you'll feel comfortable with, that you'll trust, and what comes naturally will come naturally. You haven't met the right person yet. For some people, it takes time. But you'll get there.
Professional help, OP. If you're still in college, you can get free counseling on campus. If you missed that opportunity, it will cost you, but it's the only way to get to the bottom of your issue. We can't psychoanalyze you here.
I think I'm just freaked out about "belonging" to someone, and vulnerability. Expressing feelings, sharing secrets, and such.
Sex has nothing to do with sharing secrets or "belonging" to someone. That faster you figure that out the better you will be at being intimate. However when it comes to relationships, that is a key factor.
Don't fret. I was the same way, and had similar thoughts as you. But I also had really low self-esteem and confidence, and I was positive guys were not into me. I had plenty of crushes and stuff too growing up, but no one ever showed interest in me. Not in high school. Not in college. Not for years after college.
I got my first boyfriend (and first everything else physical) when I was 27. I just chalked it up to me being a late bloomer.
I do wonder sometimes though if the way I was brought up has anything to do with it. Not that I had a bad childhood or anything. My parents were just never overly affectionate with me, physically or emotionally.
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, but I clam up when it comes to real every day men. I also hate flirting, and never know what to actually do or say spur of the moment. 
