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Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
Not to mention the fact that you can't really feel "romantic" about an online profile.
Well, there you go. Hence OLD has little or nothing to offer me. Again, I would want to get to know them AS A FRIEND, have some history together, tell her my stories, she if she makes me feel better when I'm feeling down, etc....what I'm describing is not available through OLD.
hmm I'm not sure if it was instant, but yes I have had romantic feelings for certain women. Fewer than ten. It is very, very rare that I feel that way. And the sad part is that it has never been reciprocated. They never feel the same.
Now if you're defining "chemistry" as just being sexually attracted to someone, well, that's pretty much every woman I see (80 or 90 percent). So I assume you're talking about that extra "click" of romantic feelings. That's very rare for me. Which is part of why I can't relate to people finding so many people on OLD that they want to date. I've been browsing profiles on POF for probably the last two years, and I've found maybe two people about whom I feel vaguely romantic. Neither was located anywhere near me.
I would only ask for a date after we have a history together, and we know each other, feel comfortable together, etc. I have to know she cares about me to the extent that if we don't have sex anymore and we're just platonic friends again, that she'll stay as my friend. Especially now that I have had SO MANY NEGATIVE EXPERIENCES with having feelings for people.
Typically it is about three years before I find another person for whom I feel romantic feelings/chemistry/compatibility. And somehow it doesn't work out, and I feel depressed and discouraged.
Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle
You're really shooting yourself in the foot by trying to quantify "romantic" vs. "sexual" vs. "chemistry." You meet someone (or respond to their profile,) you think she's cute, conversation flows, you laugh, you flirt, and you go from there. If she feels the same way, you're on. Most women are not going to wait for months or years while you figure out what you want, even if she does initially like you.
Mate fleetiebelle hit it right on the head as usual
Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
4,375 posts, read 4,069,460 times
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Well, you know, what I'm really looking for is to be friends with someone, and spend time with them as friends, going to activities together with other friends, etc. Build a history together, feel comfortable together, get to know each other. Among people who I have done that with, if there is anyone for whom I feel that extra spark, and when I tell them, they say they feel the same way, then we could talk about kissing or having sex or dating or whatever it might be.
But all the women I talk to regularly online are just platonic friends, and while I don't really hang out with anybody of any gender these days IRL, in the past when I did hang out with female platonic friends, most stayed friends. It's just very rare that someone will cause that extra spark. Apparently it is a lot more common for other people. For me though...very, very rare. Six people, out of the tens of thousands of women I've interacted with over the decades since I first started feeling attraction to females. And, each time, I have to say it was someone that I knew. They were in my life on a platonic basis, and it just gradually grew in my heart until I realized that I felt something extra for those individuals. And of course they never felt the same.
Obviously there is something subtle about my personality that is causing this barrier between myself and others. But personality isn't something you can really change. It is who you are. If someone doesn't like (romantically) your personality, its all over.
I know I don't have any kind of clinical mental issue; I have been evaluated many times. You have to have a psychiatric evaluation to serve on submarines, for national security reasons, and Navy Medical did not detect any issues. A few years ago, I hit my head on the bottom of a Goodwill donation trailer, so I had the VA check me out for that, and they said everything looked normal. They did a psychological exam and that came back normal, and they did an IQ test and I was in the 72nd percentile (only 28 percent of humanity is as smart). They did an MRI scan and everything looked fine, no evidence of concussion or brain injury. I paid to see my civilian doctor who I saw as a kid and he agreed that he didn't think anything bad happened. I was also evaluated several times as a child, because people noticed me being different and would say "he needs help" (which is why it is extremely offensive to me to hear that, and I have blocked people on here for saying that), and it was determined that no help was needed; I was normal in every clinically detectable respect. Different behavior from others, perhaps, but within what is considered normal.
The Stanford neuropsychologists who were studying social anxiety disorder did say that I had a barely detectable form of that. But subjectively, I don't experience anything I would describe as that. I don't have panic attacks, I don't freeze up or anything. I'm just shy. But the Stanford scientists also said that given how mild my form of it is, it is more theoretical than practical. Compare me to, say, this guy who retired from Google in his late 20s, who was in our therapy group at Stanford. Put in a social situation, he would visibly sweat, he would start hyperventilating, and he couldn't speak. THAT is social anxiety disorder. I don't experience anything like that.
So yeah, no mental issues...but there must be something in the personality that causes me to be appealing as a friend but not for anything beyond that. Perhaps lack of humor...I've never been a funny person. I love watching comedies but I'm not good at making new jokes. Like I said though, it's hard to change your personality, that's who you are as a person. Most of us wouldn't WANT to change our personalities. I know I want to be the person who I am, not someone else. I need someone to want me the way I am, to like me (romantically) the way I am.
Anyway, this whole backwards dating thing that a lot of people do, weather through OLD or otherwise...I don't see how it would help. I would have no feelings for most of the people I'm dating (other than, of course, being sexually attracted). So that's just wasted time. Not to mention all the stress it would cause because meeting new people is difficult for me since I'm a shy person.
They were in my life on a platonic basis, and it just gradually grew in my heart until I realized that I felt something extra for those individuals. And of course they never felt the same.
Obviously there is something subtle about my personality that is causing this barrier between myself and others. But personality isn't something you can really change. It is who you are. If someone doesn't like (romantically) your personality, its all over.
So yeah, no mental issues...but there must be something in the personality that causes me to be appealing as a friend but not for anything beyond that.
Anyway, this whole backwards dating thing that a lot of people do, weather through OLD or otherwise...I don't see how it would help. I would have no feelings for most of the people I'm dating (other than, of course, being sexually attracted). So that's just wasted time. Not to mention all the stress it would cause because meeting new people is difficult for me since I'm a shy person.
Or maybe it's because you keep women in the friend zone so long, they give up on you as a romantic interest.
I've had it happen many many many times. No sexual chemistry is there, or no sexual compatibility, and the relationship is done. It's a lot more of a downer to find a relationship is over once you're emotionally attached or have emotional investment than to find out it has potential and then not have it work out. I had this happen this fall, unfortunately.
Wow...well clearly we are very different. (There goes that everyone is different thing I keep saying! ) I can't *get* attached unless there is chemistry there. The whole point of those first few getting-to-know-you dates, at least for me, is "discovery". At some point, and it varies with different guys, I realize that there is just not enough attraction/appeal/chemistry...for me to continue seeing him. Having sex before reaching that conclusion isn't necessary at all, and in fact I'd much rather NOT do the deed with someone when I am still trying to find common footing in the relationship. Certainly I have no desire to have sex if I am not feeling a very strong mutual chemistry there.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom
Wow...well clearly we are very different. (There goes that everyone is different thing I keep saying! ) I can't *get* attached unless there is chemistry there. The whole point of those first few getting-to-know-you dates, at least for me, is "discovery". At some point, and it varies with different guys, I realize that there is just not enough attraction/appeal/chemistry...for me to continue seeing him. Having sex before reaching that conclusion isn't necessary at all, and in fact I'd much rather NOT do the deed with someone when I am still trying to find common footing in the relationship. Certainly I have no desire to have sex if I am not feeling a very strong mutual chemistry there.
Me either. But chemistry between two people (call it interpersonal chemistry), as in the type you feel when you're talking to someone that you feel the charisma/interplay, and its like you've known each other for ages even though you just met, and there is excitement, a little butterfly... you can sit an talk for hours and time just flies... that chemistry...
And sexual chemistry... are two very different things. They're is not guarantee at all if the former is there, that the latter will be. And both need to be present to have a romantic relationship.
When that first interpersonal chemistry is there and its palpable, and the anticipation builds, and you do have sex... and then realize that sexual chemistry is just not there, well its damn depressing. And it happens. Not too infrequently.
Me either. But chemistry between two people (call it interpersonal chemistry), as in the type you feel when you're talking to someone that you feel the charisma/interplay, and its like you've known each other for ages even though you just met, and there is excitement, a little butterfly... you can sit an talk for hours and time just flies... that chemistry...
And sexual chemistry... are two very different things. They're is not guarantee at all if the former is there, that the latter will be. And both need to be present to have a romantic relationship.
When that first interpersonal chemistry is there and its palpable, and the anticipation builds, and you do have sex... and then realize that sexual chemistry is just not there, well its damn depressing. And it happens. Not too infrequently.
But it's less depressing to have sex and then discover you really don't like or aren't compatible with the person?
But it's less depressing to have sex and then discover you really don't like or aren't compatible with the person?
Why? Unless you think there is something wrong with the having of sex in the first place, why would it be depressing? Is sex a tool to get a relationship? I don't think so.
Why? Unless you think there is something wrong with the having of sex in the first place, why would it be depressing? Is sex a tool to get a relationship? I don't think so.
My point was that he says it's depressing to have chemistry and then discover sex isn't that great, as if it's okay to have sex and it's no big deal to find out after sex that you don't really want to be with with person.
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That's very rare for me. 
I've been browsing profiles on POF for probably the last two years, and I've found maybe two people about whom I feel vaguely romantic. Neither was located anywhere near me. 
) I can't *get* attached unless there is chemistry there. The whole point of those first few getting-to-know-you dates, at least for me, is "discovery". At some point, and it varies with different guys, I realize that there is just not enough attraction/appeal/chemistry...for me to continue seeing him. Having sex before reaching that conclusion isn't necessary at all, and in fact I'd much rather NOT do the deed with someone when I am still trying to find common footing in the relationship. Certainly I have no desire to have sex if I am not feeling a very strong mutual chemistry there.
