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Old 02-27-2016, 10:41 PM
 
7,489 posts, read 4,923,725 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa View Post
LOL, my FIL just turned 70 and has an 18-year old daughter via his second marriage. They have a blast. Growing up, he was able to be the parent that went to all her stuff and was ultra involved, because he was retired and had time. Contrasted to my husband's upbringing, when his dad was working all the time and able to be involved in very little, not such a bad deal.
Absolutely! Parenting an addition to the family as a 22 year old, and as a 40 year old, is an entirely different experiences, but each is enriching, fulfilling, and worthwhile. I don't understand why anyone would think, at the age of 40, that having a 20 year old 20 years later would be a negative.
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Old 02-27-2016, 10:51 PM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,412,743 times
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One thing my FIL says is that he now has the opportunity to look back on what he would have done differently with my husband and his older sister, and do it right with his younger daughter. Different perspective.

I will say that my spouse is delighted to have an infant son in his early 40s. He wasn't sure he'd meet a spouse or have kids at all, and he's over the moon...not moping about how tired and worn out he is. He's only 43, in good health and good shape, and he hasn't spent the past twenty years raising kids, lol.
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Old 02-28-2016, 01:54 AM
 
63 posts, read 56,541 times
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I don't think it's uncommon for a man to have children in his late 30's. In fact, I think if my relationship was viable, I think he would consider the option if that is something that was very important to me, but providing the rocky state of our relationship and my inability to "try to change" as he stated, he didn't feel it was possible for things to get better later down the road. The day of the breakup, I remember I kept saying, I hope you are making the right decision. I hope you are making the right decision. He responded by saying he hopes so too. I don't think there will come a time where he will question his decision. He will run with it.

There hasn't been a time i know our relationship where he has tried to save it. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who they are unsure if they are afraid to lose you? No matter how many days went by without speaking, no matter who's fault, I have always been the bigger person to fix things. I think he could care less if I stayed or went. This was his decision and I don't think he's going to go back on that. It's been over a week and not once has he reached out to me. While I agree, we both need time. Time to allow the resentment and anger to disappear, I still feel that if someone truly valued you, they wouldn't allow too much time to pass by. Against the advice of others, I'm still hoping to hear from him. I miss them terribly.

Tomorrow, well today, since it's Sunday already, I just want to stay in bed all day. I don't want to see the sun. I just want to rest. Everyday is such a challenge for me.
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Old 02-28-2016, 04:21 AM
 
8,170 posts, read 6,018,431 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lieneke View Post
Absolutely! Parenting an addition to the family as a 22 year old, and as a 40 year old, is an entirely different experiences, but each is enriching, fulfilling, and worthwhile. I don't understand why anyone would think, at the age of 40, that having a 20 year old 20 years later would be a negative.
Because those of us that were parenting at 20 are ready to start living our own lives again, without everything having to be centered around what is best for our kids.

There is nothing in this world that would make me have another child. I am very much done. I was too old having my youngest at 32.

In your 60's you should be enjoying your grandkids and sending them home.
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Old 02-28-2016, 04:28 AM
 
8,170 posts, read 6,018,431 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa View Post
One thing my FIL says is that he now has the opportunity to look back on what he would have done differently with my husband and his older sister, and do it right with his younger daughter. Different perspective.

I will say that my spouse is delighted to have an infant son in his early 40s. He wasn't sure he'd meet a spouse or have kids at all, and he's over the moon...not moping about how tired and worn out he is. He's only 43, in good health and good shape, and he hasn't spent the past twenty years raising kids, lol.
Yes but those of us that have spent our 20's-40's raising kids are tired. I am ready to live my own life again. Frankly I would rather leap off a bridge than have a child at this point. My life would be over either way.

I love my kids dearly and wouldn't trade them for the world... But I don't want more. I am 37 with an almost teen and a toddler. My only regret was not being able to have my second closer to the age of my oldest.
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Old 02-28-2016, 04:31 AM
 
8,170 posts, read 6,018,431 times
Reputation: 5963
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ksol90 View Post
I don't think it's uncommon for a man to have children in his late 30's. In fact, I think if my relationship was viable, I think he would consider the option if that is something that was very important to me, but providing the rocky state of our relationship and my inability to "try to change" as he stated, he didn't feel it was possible for things to get better later down the road. The day of the breakup, I remember I kept saying, I hope you are making the right decision. I hope you are making the right decision. He responded by saying he hopes so too. I don't think there will come a time where he will question his decision. He will run with it.

There hasn't been a time i know our relationship where he has tried to save it. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who they are unsure if they are afraid to lose you? No matter how many days went by without speaking, no matter who's fault, I have always been the bigger person to fix things. I think he could care less if I stayed or went. This was his decision and I don't think he's going to go back on that. It's been over a week and not once has he reached out to me. While I agree, we both need time. Time to allow the resentment and anger to disappear, I still feel that if someone truly valued you, they wouldn't allow too much time to pass by. Against the advice of others, I'm still hoping to hear from him. I miss them terribly.

Tomorrow, well today, since it's Sunday already, I just want to stay in bed all day. I don't want to see the sun. I just want to rest. Everyday is such a challenge for me.
Stop. You don't want a man that wants you to change. Find the man that is happy with you just the way you are.

Don't be someone else's project. Be happy with who you are. The right guy will appreciate you
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Old 02-28-2016, 09:16 AM
 
7,489 posts, read 4,923,725 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ksol90 View Post
I don't think it's uncommon for a man to have children in his late 30's. In fact, I think if my relationship was viable, I think he would consider the option if that is something that was very important to me, but providing the rocky state of our relationship and my inability to "try to change" as he stated, he didn't feel it was possible for things to get better later down the road. The day of the breakup, I remember I kept saying, I hope you are making the right decision. I hope you are making the right decision. He responded by saying he hopes so too. I don't think there will come a time where he will question his decision. He will run with it.

There hasn't been a time i know our relationship where he has tried to save it. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who they are unsure if they are afraid to lose you? No matter how many days went by without speaking, no matter who's fault, I have always been the bigger person to fix things. I think he could care less if I stayed or went. This was his decision and I don't think he's going to go back on that. It's been over a week and not once has he reached out to me. While I agree, we both need time. Time to allow the resentment and anger to disappear, I still feel that if someone truly valued you, they wouldn't allow too much time to pass by. Against the advice of others, I'm still hoping to hear from him. I miss them terribly.

Tomorrow, well today, since it's Sunday already, I just want to stay in bed all day. I don't want to see the sun. I just want to rest. Everyday is such a challenge for me.
What you seem to be saying is that you feel that you don't have closure on the relationship; that you have unresolved feelings, and that you want to resolve them with the man that has pushed you away. A slide into depression is easy at this point, but what you need to do is fight that - drag your butt out of bed, wear something bright and fun, step outside, and be kind to a stranger.

It is probably very easy to lie in bed and avoid the sun, and a struggle to get up with an enthusiastic view to the future, but you need to do the latter. Each night, can you make a plan about something special that you will do for yourself the next day such as: coffee with a friend, a walk along the water, buy a cool scarf, photograph a bird, go for a swim, buy coffee for a stranger, smile as you walk down the street (people actually smile back), wander around a museum, and so on?

When your thoughts wander to your relationship with him, you should mentally repeat to yourself "banish all thoughts" until you can focus on something positive. Even if you do speak to him again and you do patch it up, I'm of the opinion that you are simply prolonging the inevitable.
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Old 02-28-2016, 09:31 AM
 
7,489 posts, read 4,923,725 times
Reputation: 8031
Another thing you might want to do is spend some time thinking about why this man's ex-wife is such a mess. Clearly she wasn't a mess when they married, but today she is unable to care for her children. That should be a warning sign for anyone. How did she morph from a woman that he wanted to marry to a woman who is unable to cope with day to day responsibilities? Is it possible that her self-esteem was ground into the dirt to the extent that she is having difficulties pulling herself out of that hole? What happened in their relationship such that he is doing well, and she is not even thriving?

You do not want to become a woman who cannot cope with daily responsibilities. Regardless of what he says about his wife, common sense says that whatever problems she has today were not there when they were married.
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Old 02-28-2016, 09:41 AM
 
63 posts, read 56,541 times
Reputation: 24
Lieneke,

Thank you. I woke up this morning feeling a little numb. I told myself after the Facebook situation, I wouldn't reactivate. I don't want to see what is going on in his life. I couldn't resist. I went back on. He posted a status saying, nothing is permanent...

I'm trying not to over analyze everything. He is not a person to post status' or even pictures. I don't know what to make of anything anymore. It doesn't do me any good looking at his Facebook. He made this decision and I don't see him changing his mind. I just hurting myself more by looking. I need to stop doing that.

I know after this numbness passes, there will sadness. Kind of preparing myself for that. I'm going to try to get some things done around the house. I feel like im treading water, but I need to be productive as I can when my spirit is lighter. Hopefully I can hang on to this for a little longer. I do wish I could talk to him, but I know it's not time. Maybe that time will never come
I'm hopeful and against all odds, I'm holding on to faith. We just need to take some time to renew. To change, to grow, and hopefully when the time is right, we will find our way back to eachother.
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Old 02-28-2016, 09:44 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ksol90 View Post

I just hurting myself more by looking. I need to stop doing that.
Yep.

That and stop "hoping" you will find your way back each other. That may not even the best thing.

He didn't want that, and you still seem to be having trouble grasping that there were serious problems present.

The more you post, the more it sounds like you need therapy to overcome your emotional problems. This was not about having kids.
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